What Would You Think?

[wingchun100]

No I understand just trying to say sometimes the tough choice is the better choice. I deal with these issues everyday at work.

I'm glad you said that. Sometimes things can come off as abrasive, especially on an internet site where one person cannot hear the other's tone of voice. so I appreciate that response.

 

[oftheherd1]

I just want to clarify it has nothing to do with actually raising him. The stress comes from the fact that sometimes kids don't like stepparents...sometimes kids will tell lies to get out of seeing those stepparents...sometimes those lies are of a horrible nature...and sometimes those lies will cause trouble for the stepparent. Unfortunately, what my son is too young to realize is (1) how damaging and hurtful such lies are, and (2) that if it causes trouble for my wife, it causes trouble for me too.

How old is your kid? Boy or Girl?

After this or some sessions, you might want to consider bringing your child into the sessions, or getting separate counselling.

Considering the support, or lack thereof, from both your families, have you considered moving to another job in a distant locality?

I certainly wish you the best in this. I will pray for the best outcome for all involved.

 

[wingchun100]

My son is 8 years old.

His mother and I plan on getting him into some counseling of his own, which I will be a part of. Then again, his problem isn't with ME...it is with his stepmother (my wife). I'd prefer if SHE came to the counseling as well, but I think if she got near my son's mom, there would be bloodshed LOL. And I can't say I would hold my wife back; my son's mom has put us both through a lot.

Moving away to a distant place? No. I don't have custody of my son, so moving far away would make it impossible to see him.

Thanks for the prayers and wishes.

 

[Crossracer]

One thing is the problem that both families seem to hate the other spouse. My ex and I both agree that we listened to too many people telling us how bad the other person was instead of working on our issues. Negative influences in our lives are everywhere and very destructive.
As a step father I have had to work thru many issues of the " your not the dad " variety. Even stoday, ( he is 24) I'm more then a friend and less then a dad. But that is life, we all can only do what we can do.
Honestly problems in the home often have more then one cause and one irritant. Even without therapy try and talk to your wife and identify some simple things YOU can do to reduce the stress in the household. I stress you since you are the only one you really can control in this life. If need be get therapy for yourself, work on making yourself the best person you can be everyday, let life handle the rest.

Bill


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[wingchun100]

Marriage is a two way street. If it has problems, it's most likely the fault of BOTH. I have no problem seeking out therapy for myself, but she definitely needs it too.


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[Crossracer]

Marriage is a two way street. If it has problems, it's most likely the fault of BOTH. I have no problem seeking out therapy for myself, but she definitely needs it too.


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I agree, but that's not my point. Don't get wrapped up in what she needs, instead concentrate on what you need to do be a better dad and husband. You have no control over her, and to imiagne you do is a fools errand.
Fix yourself first. Think of it this way. If you are both to blame, then fixing yourself is by definition fixing 50 percent of the problem.
If your attitude is direct attack, make her get help then this will probally fail. People will dig in and refuse help if they think they are being pressured. Think Sun Tzu and the Art of War. He says the greatest generals are the ones who win without fighting at all.
Find ways to influence her to find the answers she needs to find. Not saying they are your ideas of correct answers, but in the end it's all about moving forward.

Marriage is tough. My wife and I have been thru more crap then you would believe. After 15 years we still have to work on things. But it's always getting better.

Bill


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[wingchun100]

While I'm not saying I am in need of NO fixing, I will say that one big problem is one of us has the "my way or the highway" attitude. I don't blame her: she was raised with it (my mother-in-law has the exact same approach to life). My fear is that, when it is pointed out, it won't change. Even if she does agree it is an issue, I know it won't change overnight.

This is probably the toughest spot I have ever been in. Hopefully this Thursday will be the beginning toward a better future together. I know one thing: I don't want to give up. Everyone from the previous generation of my family has been married and divorced multiple times. I don't want to be that way. Then again, sometimes you wonder if there isn't a point where you have exhausted all options, and you have to realize there is no compromise to be found. A lot of people say "quitters never win," but what if quitting means you win a life free of daily stress and arguing? (You'd still probably argue with an ex-wife, but not as much as you would if you lived there!)

 

[Crossracer]

In the end only you can truely decide when enough is enough. In the end people are who they are, small changes are possible, but big changes normally require a person to hit a rock bottom of some kind.
So where does it leave you?

Basically you can leave.

You can stay, try and work it out, and be angry.

You can stay, try and work
It out, and accept that there will be things you disagree on.

After our divorce my ex and I spent three years dating other people. After 3 years we looked at each other and said " you arnt that bad". So we have been continuing to work on our relationship. I'm
Betting we will be still working on it till the day one of us dies. But compared to some of the other issues I found dating, her issues where not that bad.

Good luck, I hope all goes well for you.

Bill



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[oftheherd1]

While I'm not saying I am in need of NO fixing, I will say that one big problem is one of us has the "my way or the highway" attitude. I don't blame her: she was raised with it (my mother-in-law has the exact same approach to life). My fear is that, when it is pointed out, it won't change. Even if she does agree it is an issue, I know it won't change overnight.

This is probably the toughest spot I have ever been in. Hopefully this Thursday will be the beginning toward a better future together. I know one thing: I don't want to give up. Everyone from the previous generation of my family has been married and divorced multiple times. I don't want to be that way. Then again, sometimes you wonder if there isn't a point where you have exhausted all options, and you have to realize there is no compromise to be found. A lot of people say "quitters never win," but what if quitting means you win a life free of daily stress and arguing? (You'd still probably argue with an ex-wife, but not as much as you would if you lived there!)

I think you have a while to go before you should give up and run. But that should be an option you aren't afraid of if you are certain you have exhausted all tries at resolution, with no success.

But let me suggest another way of looking at this. You have said that you don't have custody. It sounds like his mother and her family don't have a whole lot to say good about you, and nothing good to say about your wife. And it doesn't sound like that will change. Perhaps you should consider moving just you and your wife, accepting that your aren't going to have a good relationship with your son until he is older and able to make some of his own decisions with more independent facts.

I was in the 7th grade when my father died. For a very long time my mother didn't seem interested in dating again. I thought that was correct and proper. Honor to my dad and all. Then she started seeing a guy. I was very jealous of him, and hurt by my mom. How could she? Then for a reason she never fully explained, she broke up with him. I always suspected he wanted something she wasn't willing to give outside of marriage. Later, she met and started dating another man. He was a really wonderful man. But that didn't make any difference to me. I was jealous of him too, and so didn't like him. Hey, mom didn't need a man around the house, I was there. How foolish we can be sometimes.

Later I joined the US Army. Through basic and AIT, it began to dawn on me that my mother didn't have me any more. I wasn't there to 'protect' her. I started to feel bad. Then one evening I called her and she hesitatingly told me she had gotten married. I can't really tell you how relieved I was to hear that. That was when I began to look at my step dad very differently. He was a wonderful man in any way you would want to measure him. They were very much in love with each other, and I was so happy for that. And thankfully, told her so.

What I hope you can see is that kids can get some very crazy ideas, all on their on. Is your son jealous of your wife? Is he angry at you for 'abandoning' him, and hoping to get you out of the marriage so you and your ex can get back together? Who knows? Your son may not even really know. In my case, until I had my epiphany, nobody could have convinced me to be anything but antagonist against any man my mother dated.

You owe some things to your son, and moving away from him would not be easy, and might cause both you and your wife to feel guilty. But remember, you made some explicit and non-explicit commitments to your wife as well. Getting your son to change his outlook at this point in his life may be difficult to impossible. Something to consider, but I don't mean to tell you what to do. You are the only one in the end, who can really say what will be best for you. And whatever you choose is something you have to live with for the rest of your life. I hope you choose well.

 

[wingchun100]

I think you have a while to go before you should give up and run. But that should be an option you aren't afraid of if you are certain you have exhausted all tries at resolution, with no success.

But let me suggest another way of looking at this. You have said that you don't have custody. It sounds like his mother and her family don't have a whole lot to say good about you, and nothing good to say about your wife. And it doesn't sound like that will change. Perhaps you should consider moving just you and your wife, accepting that your aren't going to have a good relationship with your son until he is older and able to make some of his own decisions with more independent facts.

I was in the 7th grade when my father died. For a very long time my mother didn't seem interested in dating again. I thought that was correct and proper. Honor to my dad and all. Then she started seeing a guy. I was very jealous of him, and hurt by my mom. How could she? Then for a reason she never fully explained, she broke up with him. I always suspected he wanted something she wasn't willing to give outside of marriage. Later, she met and started dating another man. He was a really wonderful man. But that didn't make any difference to me. I was jealous of him too, and so didn't like him. Hey, mom didn't need a man around the house, I was there. How foolish we can be sometimes.

Later I joined the US Army. Through basic and AIT, it began to dawn on me that my mother didn't have me any more. I wasn't there to 'protect' her. I started to feel bad. Then one evening I called her and she hesitatingly told me she had gotten married. I can't really tell you how relieved I was to hear that. That was when I began to look at my step dad very differently. He was a wonderful man in any way you would want to measure him. They were very much in love with each other, and I was so happy for that. And thankfully, told her so.

What I hope you can see is that kids can get some very crazy ideas, all on their on. Is your son jealous of your wife? Is he angry at you for 'abandoning' him, and hoping to get you out of the marriage so you and your ex can get back together? Who knows? Your son may not even really know. In my case, until I had my epiphany, nobody could have convinced me to be anything but antagonist against any man my mother dated.

You owe some things to your son, and moving away from him would not be easy, and might cause both you and your wife to feel guilty. But remember, you made some explicit and non-explicit commitments to your wife as well. Getting your son to change his outlook at this point in his life may be difficult to impossible. Something to consider, but I don't mean to tell you what to do. You are the only one in the end, who can really say what will be best for you. And whatever you choose is something you have to live with for the rest of your life. I hope you choose well.

I hear what you are saying, but I cannot move so far away that I could never see my son. I left his mother before he was old enough to understand what was going on. For a long time I lived with my mother (just couldn't land the kind of job where I could afford to be out on my own). Now while I am not bashing my mom completely (because she let me stay there), she DID have a habit of undermining the rules I tried to get my kids to follow. I won't get into too much detail here because the exact rules are not important. What IS important is the change he experienced when my wife came along.

I moved out so I could live with my wife. Now keep in mind she had come over when I lived with my mother and saw how the kids acted, and she wasn't any more of a fan of it than I was. So when I was out of there, that meant my son was now subjected to another person who BACKED UP my rules instead of obliterating them. I think it's safe to say that most kids would be resentful when they switch from a position like that. One minute they can do whatever they want...the next, they actually have to follow rules. (To this day I STILL deal with the residual effect of when I lived with her.)

I was the same way when I was young. My mom let me do almost anything I wanted. (Surprisingly, I didn't grow up being as out of control as one might expect. I have never been in trouble with the law so, despite her lack of discipline, I somehow turned out okay.) Then my dad married a woman who would...get this...made me follow rules! Gasp! LOL It wasn't until I was almost out of high school that I came to appreciate my stepmom, and now I have a GREAT relationship with her.

I just hope it doesn't take that long for Aiden to come around.

 

[wingchun100]

I think the hardest part is knowing when it is pointless. Everyone from my mom's generation of the family has been married and divorced several times. I don't know how much they went through before calling it a day, but I do wonder if they quit long before they should have. You can't run at the first sign of trouble. But how much is too much? I guess it is all up to each person's tolerance level...but what if the people are wimps? LOL You'd have people getting divorced just because their partner doesn't squeeze the toothpaste out from the bottom of the tube!

I hate gray areas like this because it always leaves me wondering: did I really try everything for a solution?