What Would You Think?

[wingchun100]

Normally I try not to get into personal stuff on here, although I did with a post about my mother-in-law. Something happened that I wanted to see what you people thought of. What does it say that I come to a website full of strangers to ask about this instead of family or friend? More than I care to admit LOL.

Anyway, I am going to try and give only enough info that you need to understand the situation. Wife and I have been having problems. These arguments don't stem from us not getting along on our own; they stem from some things that happened with my son (who I had by the girlfriend immediately prior to my wife). Different views on these issues (I'd rather not get into all of THAT) have caused quite a few heated debates between us, and we don't see to be able to reach an agreement on our own.

There is no one we can ask to mediate. Her mom doesn't like me; my mom doesn't like her; her dad hibernates in his room all the time to avoid this crap; MY dad is very ill and I would feel guilty dumping it all on him.

The only solution left: go to someone who gets paid to be dumped on!

So I contacted my therapist (who I have known since senior year of high school, 1993-1994) and set up an appointment. I told my wife it is next Thursday and asked if she could get someone to watch our son so she could go with me.

Her response?

"Yeah I guess."

Pardon me? you GUESS?

And that response is what I came to poll people about. What does that response even mean? It is clearly less than enthusiastic, but why? If we are unable to solve our problems on our own and I found an impartial party who can help, why would you respond that way? Is it a case of too much pride? Is she someone who feels like a failure because she needed a "shrink" to solve her problems? Is it the length of time I have known him? Maybe she feels he would be biased toward admitting I am always right. (If it is that, then he will quickly dispel that myth once we get talking.)

I don't know. Her blah kind of response makes me worry I am on a sinking ship. I guess I will know for sure next Thursday though, huh?

Sorry to dump on you folks, but I really have nowhere else to vent. :-(

 

[seasoned]

"Yeah I guess." Is less then enthusiastic, and a third party would be good. But, not someone you have known since senior year of high school. It needs to be someone that neither of you know, so you can start from square one..... (Just my personal opinion).

 

[Steve]

I have two quick thoughts... well, three really.

First, I'm glad you guys are working this out and hope you get through this.

Second, that she didn't immediately reject the idea is a HUGE plus. That she's going to the therapist with you is a bonus. Don't get hung up on whether she was excited about it.

Third, kids and how to raise them is, in my opinion, one of the MUST HAVE conversations needed prior to marriage. You have to be on the same page before you get married, or if not, certainly BEFORE you have kids together. Or your marriage is in trouble. It sounds like your son was part of the package for your current wife, but where kids are involved, you are marrying them, too. It's not negotiable.

Ultimately, as I said before, I'm glad you guys are going to see a pro. Hope it works out. Good luck.

 

[Steve]

"Yeah I guess." Is less then enthusiastic, and a third party would be good. But, not someone you have known since senior year of high school. It needs to be someone that neither of you know, so you can start from square one..... (Just my personal opinion).

This sounds like good advice.

 

[EddieCyrax]

Clarifying questions.....Did she know you were seeking out counciling? Did this come as a surprise? Did she have any input into the councilor?

Based on your answers to these questions a "Yeah I guess" could be very appropriate.......At least it wasnt a H^&# NO!

 

[ballen0351]

Knowing how my wife is the "I guess" part wasnt for the therapy its that you set it up and then asked her to find child care. If your going to take charge and set things up dont do half the job. Thats like planning a nice date and saying oh but you find a sitter.

 

[wingchun100]

"Yeah I guess." Is less then enthusiastic, and a third party would be good. But, not someone you have known since senior year of high school. It needs to be someone that neither of you know, so you can start from square one..... (Just my personal opinion).

The only thing I worry about with the square one idea is getting someone that either one of us thinks is terrible, then having to start our search anew. I understand the suggestion, but I think this guy is able to be impartial. We'll see.

 

[wingchun100]

I have two quick thoughts... well, three really.

First, I'm glad you guys are working this out and hope you get through this.

Second, that she didn't immediately reject the idea is a HUGE plus. That she's going to the therapist with you is a bonus. Don't get hung up on whether she was excited about it.

Third, kids and how to raise them is, in my opinion, one of the MUST HAVE conversations needed prior to marriage. You have to be on the same page before you get married, or if not, certainly BEFORE you have kids together. Or your marriage is in trouble. It sounds like your son was part of the package for your current wife, but where kids are involved, you are marrying them, too. It's not negotiable.

Ultimately, as I said before, I'm glad you guys are going to see a pro. Hope it works out. Good luck.

I just want to clarify it has nothing to do with actually raising him. The stress comes from the fact that sometimes kids don't like stepparents...sometimes kids will tell lies to get out of seeing those stepparents...sometimes those lies are of a horrible nature...and sometimes those lies will cause trouble for the stepparent. Unfortunately, what my son is too young to realize is (1) how damaging and hurtful such lies are, and (2) that if it causes trouble for my wife, it causes trouble for me too.

 

[wingchun100]

Clarifying questions.....Did she know you were seeking out counciling? Did this come as a surprise? Did she have any input into the councilor?

Based on your answers to these questions a "Yeah I guess" could be very appropriate.......At least it wasnt a H^&# NO!

She knew I was going to go to him. After the last argument we had, I told her we needed to see him, and we have actually gone to him before (once...ages ago). We have both been through a lot, and we can't seem to reach an agreement on certain things. I suggest a plan and she shoots it down, but does not suggest an alternative. So I keep coming up with ideas...which keep getting shot down AGAIN with no alternative suggestions. I can take only so much of that before I start to get a little frustrated, which causes anger and resentment....yeah, we need third party help.

 

[wingchun100]

Knowing how my wife is the "I guess" part wasnt for the therapy its that you set it up and then asked her to find child care. If your going to take charge and set things up dont do half the job. Thats like planning a nice date and saying oh but you find a sitter.

I would if it weren't for the fact that anyone I suggest to watch him isn't "good enough!" (Yet ANOTHER issue to be worked on: I am a fairly intelligent guy. There is no way EVERY suggestion I have is always a bad one!)

 

[ballen0351]

I would if it weren't for the fact that anyone I suggest to watch him isn't "good enough!" (Yet ANOTHER issue to be worked on: I am a fairly intelligent guy. There is no way EVERY suggestion I have is always a bad one!)

I understand that but its your kid too man sometimes its easier to ask for forgiveness then it is to ask permission. Less excuses more action

 

[wingchun100]

I understand that but its your kid too man sometimes its easier to ask for forgiveness then it is to ask permission. Less excuses more action

So I should cause yet another fight because I want someone to watch our son that she is dead set against? The main person I would ask would be my mom but, because she and my mom don't get along, she doesn't want him there. But then she will also turn around and criticize her for not wanting to spend any time with him! What happens when I point out "you won't let him?" Well, results vary, but I can tell you it is never pleasant. Whenever you corner someone and prove their logic is faulty (yeah, let's go with that adjective), their usual response is to fight back with anything they can, even if the majority of those comebacks fall below the belt. Then again all is fair in love and war, right?

 

[wingchun100]

At any rate, that is a whole other issue. (Often I find the main problem with talking about personal things on here isn't so much the fact that people feel like they are being dumped on, but it is damn near IMPOSSIBLE to share the full story. Without that, how can anyone really understand what anyone else is going through?) The whole point was to just see what other people would feel about the reaction I got toward the appointment.

 

[K-man]

OK. I went through a marriage breakup where I was the one who decided to call it quits. We had counselling at my ex's insistence. Maybe a more skilled counsellor could have engineered a different outcome but instead of being independent the counsellor sided with my ex, not criticising or blaming, but labelling me as angry and the depressed. I don't think I was either but the guy just pissed me off. As a result I turned off and that was the end of the penny section.

I guess what I'm saying is be very careful with your choice of counsellor because if he upsets your wife instead of being truly balanced it might be really counter productive. Being male, we expect a counsellor to tell our partners that we are right, but that is not what counsellors do. Tread lightly.
:asian:

 

[wingchun100]

OK. I went through a marriage breakup where I was the one who decided to call it quits. We had counselling at my ex's insistence. Maybe a more skilled counsellor could have engineered a different outcome but instead of being independent the counsellor sided with my ex, not criticising or blaming, but labelling me as angry and the depressed. I don't think I was either but the guy just pissed me off. As a result I turned off and that was the end of the penny section.

I guess what I'm saying is be very careful with your choice of counsellor because if he upsets your wife instead of being truly balanced it might be really counter productive. Being male, we expect a counsellor to tell our partners that we are right, but that is not what counsellors do. Tread lightly.
:asian:

We have gone together in the past. Then things quieted down for a while, but now they have flared up again. At any rate, he hasn't hesitated to tell me I am wrong, whether it is during a solo OR couple session. But the jury is out.

 

[Buka]

My guess is a lot of us have been in situations similar. Not "the same" because relationships have more differences than Martial Arts schools. I think the most important thing is you both want the relationship to be better. I wouldn't focus on her "I guess" too much, just keep your eye on the goal of a better relationship. Patience is key. As well as not letting your "inner guy" out without some emotional restraint. Especially where there are other family members involved - and we all know how that is.

My heart is with you, brother. Best of luck going forward and maybe take a deep breath as the others in the equation irritate the whole damn thing, which seems to be standard practice in families - try not to get sucked in.

 

[ballen0351]

So I should cause yet another fight because I want someone to watch our son that she is dead set against? The main person I would ask would be my mom but, because she and my mom don't get along, she doesn't want him there. But then she will also turn around and criticize her for not wanting to spend any time with him! What happens when I point out "you won't let him?" Well, results vary, but I can tell you it is never pleasant. Whenever you corner someone and prove their logic is faulty (yeah, let's go with that adjective), their usual response is to fight back with anything they can, even if the majority of those comebacks fall below the belt. Then again all is fair in love and war, right?

If your wife cant trust you enough to find an appropriate person to watch your own kid then you may have issues beyond therapy. Sometimes its better for all parties to walk away before it gets too bad. I go to the same houses over and over again and people basically hate each other but neither will take the step to end it because they fear the unknown. Its better for kids to have 2 good parents that are separated then 2 parents that are together that hat each other. No saying your at that point yet but if you cant even agree on a sitter for a few hours then...........

 

[wingchun100]

My guess is a lot of us have been in situations similar. Not "the same" because relationships have more differences than Martial Arts schools. I think the most important thing is you both want the relationship to be better. I wouldn't focus on her "I guess" too much, just keep your eye on the goal of a better relationship. Patience is key. As well as not letting your "inner guy" out without some emotional restraint. Especially where there are other family members involved - and we all know how that is.

My heart is with you, brother. Best of luck going forward and maybe take a deep breath as the others in the equation irritate the whole damn thing, which seems to be standard practice in families - try not to get sucked in.

I just want to say I am amazed at the support I get from so many on this site. On any other, I might get bashed for opening up about my problems, but here I have seen nothing but helpful replies. Even the ones that cal me out on BS aren't what I would call insulting. Thanks a lot!

 

[wingchun100]

If your wife cant trust you enough to find an appropriate person to watch your own kid then you may have issues beyond therapy. Sometimes its better for all parties to walk away before it gets too bad. I go to the same houses over and over again and people basically hate each other but neither will take the step to end it because they fear the unknown. Its better for kids to have 2 good parents that are separated then 2 parents that are together that hat each other. No saying your at that point yet but if you cant even agree on a sitter for a few hours then...........

Like I said, there is so much more to it than I can explain here. I aired a LITTLE dirty laundry...doesn't mean I want to air it all.

 

[ballen0351]

Like I said, there is so much more to it than I can explain here. I aired a LITTLE dirty laundry...doesn't mean I want to air it all.

No I understand just trying to say sometimes the tough choice is the better choice. I deal with these issues everyday at work.