Thought Provoking Phases of Friendships

[KenpoTess]

Do you ever notice in friendships how we tend to go through phases. Hot/Cold.. nothing really inbetween.
We tend to either give it our all or just quasi go through the motions. You may be great friends with someone, doing stuff with them all the time, then suddenly.. Nothing really changes.. but they are no longer 'there'. This is an observation over the years and I'm wondering why it tends to occur.
People just wander off in their own worlds, ceasing to care? Or too busy to even notice there's anything wrong.

What are your thoughts.

 

[Touch Of Death]

Sometimes freinds come to you with their problems. You don't have that problem; so, you tell them exactly how to solve the problem. What you get is a million reasons why they can't do the simple thing you tell them to do. There is only so much of this one can take before you give up. These are my thoughts.

 

[MartialArtsChic]

I've often wondered this myself and I don't think there's really any one answer for it.

Somewhere along the line, I figured out, at least for me that some people are only meant to be in your life for a little while and if they are then hopefully somewhere along the way you learned either something from them or something about yourself for having known them. This is the reasoning that has occurred more often then not with me. I have many people who were in my life for a long, long time, always doing things, then it just stopped. I think about them now as time has passed with a certain fondness and know that they just weren't supposed to be in my life forever. But I am a better person for having known them for just a little while.

However, there are other reasons too. You are right, some people just get so busy with their lives, they don't have time for friends and by the time they get around to thinking about it, they figured they've been gone so long that why bother?

Pretty sad, I think.

Lorrie

 

[KenpoTess]

Lorrie and Touch.. I think you both have some good reasoning behind your thoughts, Just think back to HS, and all the friends you swore up and down you would never lose track of.. where are they now? And for whatever reason people you thought were friends through the years.. just vanished. Maybe you still see them almost daily.. but they retreated from you.. that's another aspect of ponderance. And with the Internet.. how many people can you really call a friend.. do you have to Know them in reality. Do you have to at least talk on the phone.. or maybe Internet Friendship is stronger than some real time relationships?
just food for thought
I like what you said Lorrie, Good stuff

Tess

 

[Rich Parsons]

There are Friends I can see or call and then we talk for a while and it is like old times. Yet, for many of them their family and or work eats up all their time. They make choices, in my humble opinion, that they think are the best for them and their family.

I also have friends I see regularly, I have know for years from college, yet almost none from High School now.

I have friends only through work, and others only through Martial Arts. Yet, some I only talk to at these events, and others I would loan money too.

I have friends I have only made in the last few years and we are like brothers, and others are just lunch buddies.

It is interesting to think about though.

:asian:

 

[Ceicei]

I still keep in touch with a friend I knew since we were both three years old in pre-school. We've always remained friends for over three decades.

However, since leaving for college and then getting married, both of us have not contacted each other as much as we could have. We average at least once a month or two, and if we do, it's usually for five to fifteen minutes at the most. I know we could do better--kids and work do keep us both busy.

- Ceicei

 

[MartialArtsChic]

Thanks, Tess.

I can see both sides. I'm single and don't have any kids so I have more time to go out and get together or talk on the phone. I do see how work, spouses/kids and their activities take up a lot of time. I usually just throw it in their lap and they tell me when they are free since my schedule is more flexible.

I have a small core of friends that I have known for 14 years and we've found our balance. We don't see/do things for months at a time, but when we do get together, it's pure quality catch up time. I also know that if push comes to shove and when I need them, doesn't matter how long it's been since I've seen them, they'll be there.

As for internet friendships, I think they can work well and sometimes even better. But both sides still have to work at keeping in touch and keeping it together.

You know, I read somewhere (women's magazine years ago) that people in romantic relationships talk to each other and break up with each other but people who are just friends don't. They tend to just drift apart and not see/speak again.

Lorrie

 

[TheRustyOne]

I have three bestest friends at home. Out of the buncha folks I came through high school with, I keep in touch with few. We just went our seperate ways. A lot of them either went to Salsbury State or Univeristy of Delaware or a U Maryland campus, while I went to West Virginia. Some of them stayed and went to the community college. If I see them, then we still talk and we remember each other, but this is rare.

And when I'm home, I don't really converse with my college friends.

But I am a big internet socialite. I have at least 5 friends online that I've trusted enough to give my number to, and we've chatted. In fact, I stayed in London for a few days with two ladies I met over a message board. If someone I chat with a lot online asks, then I'll give them my cell number or home address to get snail mail or a call.


As for that drift that happens, I don't know why. I guess it's like I said before, we just go our seperate ways.

 

[ABN]

Commonality or lack of same? Change is the only constant in humanity that I've seen. In H.S. your base of experience is fairly equal. Your world is rather homogenous.

Post H.S. begins the separation process of one aspect of life and begins the next homogenous environment of college, military etc. You also begin to develop a more complex version of "you". You begin to shape your value systems and your world view on your own experience rather than on the second hand opinions and experiences of others, such as your parents and teachers. Your base of experience is no longer the same. Your world is very heterogenous now. My friends were in a bunch of different colleges, I was either at Ft. Bragg or in countries that geography major would be hard pressed to find on a map... you have less and less in common. Silence due to absence is easier to accept than tension due to presence. In other words memories of what things were like are sometimes better than the fact that you can't agree on anything anymore.

Post college (mid to late 20's), you become wrapped up in establishing yourself, changing the world or at least blowing up 35% of the planets surface. Putting down roots perhaps, or the opposite, becoming comfortable as a gypsy. Either way you spend more time developing that sense of your self, your world, and your place in it. Some are also a bit more competitive. I remember hearing that my 10 year reunion was more a case of who's got what, who's doing what, who's doing the best...

Now I'm married more settled and I find myself talking to old friends from HS, college, and the military more often. Most of us are married and in fairly stable careers, some have children, some are still practicing . Marriage and family has brought about a new type of commonality. So it begins again. It's all cyclical. Seeing that some of you are from Shepherdstown reminds me of a friend I had at one point who went to Shepherd. and I wonder what happened to her...

Anyway, that's my doctoral thesis on the topic...


andy

 

[Nightingale]

Originally posted by Touch'O'Death
Sometimes freinds come to you with their problems. You don't have that problem; so, you tell them exactly how to solve the problem. What you get is a million reasons why they can't do the simple thing you tell them to do. There is only so much of this one can take before you give up. These are my thoughts.

Most of the time, when someone comes to you with their problems, they're not looking for a solution. They're looking for someone to listen. A lot of times, when you talk things over with someone else you find your own solutions. The problem will get solved when they're ready to solve it. Until then, realize you're helping by lending an ear.

 

[theletch1]

My definition of "friend" is a bit extreme I suppose. I have tons of people whom I consider acquaintances to one degree or another but no true "friends". Being a friend is a point of very high responsibilty to me, almost equal to being a sibling. I had someone that I considered a "friend" from age 5 until age 26. He betrayed me in a way that was unforgivable. From that point on I haven't allowed anyone to get that close to me. I'm not a hermit, stand-offish or introverted, I simply have very concrete boundaries that I do not allow others to cross. I attempt to be as good a "friend" to others as possible while keeping others at arms length. I find, surprisingly, that many people don't realize that the intimacy is one way. I listen well and often, as Nightengale stated, people are just looking for an ear to listen to them.

 

[Cryozombie]

Originally posted by TheRustyOne


But I am a big internet socialite. I have at least 5 friends online that I've trusted enough to give my number to, and we've chatted. In fact, I stayed in London for a few days with two ladies I met over a message board. If someone I chat with a lot online asks, then I'll give them my cell number or home address to get snail mail or a call.

Your Cell Number is in your away message... EVERYONE on the internet has it, I'm sure. :rofl:

As for me, I am still close freinds with my best friends from High School. One of them is my roommate now...

I stop talking to people because I just get tired of them, and decide I dont really like them. I assume they do the same to me...

 

[KenpoTess]

Originally posted by theletch1
My definition of "friend" is a bit extreme I suppose. I have tons of people whom I consider acquaintances to one degree or another but no true "friends". Being a friend is a point of very high responsibilty to me, almost equal to being a sibling. I had someone that I considered a "friend" from age 5 until age 26. He betrayed me in a way that was unforgivable. From that point on I haven't allowed anyone to get that close to me. I'm not a hermit, stand-offish or introverted, I simply have very concrete boundaries that I do not allow others to cross. I attempt to be as good a "friend" to others as possible while keeping others at arms length. I find, surprisingly, that many people don't realize that the intimacy is one way. I listen well and often, as Nightengale stated, people are just looking for an ear to listen to them.

I am sure with you here.. I have quite a few acquaintances ... friends? That depends on one's definition.. Someone who has been through the thick and thin with you, who doesn't ask for anything in return, one who cares about you from the inside out... and could care less about the outside, Someone who knows by the expression on your face that you just need a hug, Someone you can sit in that wondrous rare comfortable silence with. the list goes on.. it's a rarity indeed.. and I can count but 2 people in my life that are friends..
The others.. fun people to be around.. but I'm not a part of their lives.. nor they a part of mine..
I guess I am a hermit of sorts, betrayal is a bitter pill to swallow.. and trust when once freely given .. is a now a challenge.
I forgive easily... I never forget.. I don't hate anyone.. the people that have hurt me.. are no longer important enough to have any emotion spent on them..

Just rambling

 

[Rich Parsons]

Yes there are people who fall into the following groups:

Friend of an Acquaintance
Acquaintances
Friends of Friends
Friends

Friends I call Brother or Sister
Family


Now in my case the Friends I call Brother or Sister are the closest to me. Family has done things I may not agree with, that would as non family may cause me to think about associating with them.


So, yes there are many levels, and When I posted before I was posting in the general sense of friends representing the complete list.

:asian:

 

[Touch Of Death]

Originally posted by Nightingale
Most of the time, when someone comes to you with their problems, they're not looking for a solution. They're looking for someone to listen. A lot of times, when you talk things over with someone else you find your own solutions. The problem will get solved when they're ready to solve it. Until then, realize you're helping by lending an ear.

How many decades do you suppose this might take? Because, after a while it can get pretty monotonous. Lou Reed said it best in the song 'Hangin' Round'... "You Keep hangin' 'round me, but I'm not so glad you found me. Cuz your still doin' things that I gave up years ago."

 

[TheRustyOne]

Originally posted by Technopunk
Your Cell Number is in your away message... EVERYONE on the internet has it, I'm sure. :rofl:

As for me, I am still close freinds with my best friends from High School. One of them is my roommate now...

Thats cuz a good majority of the people on AIM I trust with my number. Plus, half of my list (140 some...) is people from school...be it other college, my college, or high school, or MMA...but most of them are in college anyway...


...my high school friends don't wanna come to west virginia, i don't know why...



...as for Tess's comment on hating ppl...i do hate a few people...but i'll get over it when they swallow their pride and stop spreading crap around campus about me...

 

[RCastillo]

Originally posted by TheRustyOne
Thats cuz a good majority of the people on AIM I trust with my number. Plus, half of my list (140 some...) is people from school...be it other college, my college, or high school, or MMA...but most of them are in college anyway...


...my high school friends don't wanna come to west virginia, i don't know why...



...as for Tess's comment on hating ppl...i do hate a few people...but i'll get over it when they swallow their pride and stop spreading crap around campus about me...

Not a problem. After seeing your pic, I'll come see ya!

 

[TheRustyOne]

Aww! Spanx Castillo

 

[RCastillo]

Originally posted by TheRustyOne
Aww! Spanx Castillo

Thank you Ma'am may I have another! (With apologies to Animal House)

 

[TheRustyOne]

Originally posted by RCastillo
Thank you Ma'am may I have another! (With apologies to Animal House)

Denyed!!



...well, if your a good boy....