The best smart *** answers of 2005

[ppko]

Smart *** Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart *** Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart *** Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart *** Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW FOR THE #1 SMART *** ANSWER OF 2005:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

[Bigshadow]

Those are funny! Thanks for sharing! I have sent them in email to some co-workers.

 

[terryl965]

PPKO you are killing me with this stuff.
terry

 

[hemi]

You gotta love it those are great thanks

 

[kid]

Here's your sign.

 

[ed-swckf]

I found number 2 the funniest, funny stuff.

 

[Sarah]

A guy was standing at a car with a clothes hanger jammed down the window, another guy walks up to him and says "locked your keys in your car?" to which he replied "nope, just washed it, now im hanging it up to dry!"

(here's your sign) lol

 

[Kreth]

I think I posted this on another thread, but anyway...
A couple of months ago, the company I work at was going through a major PC turnover as they standardized desktop hardware. I was working with another guy, packing up monitors and loading them onto a truck to be shipped to a warehouse. A consultant from another contractor walked by as we were loading monitors onto a flatbed handcart, and asked, "Loading up monitors?" I replied, "No, we just take them for a walk every once in a while."

 

[bluemtn]

One some of us that used to work at a department store felt like saying when asked:

Customer (middle of store): "Do you work here?"
Associate (after a VERY long day): "No, I just stole a store vest and put it on, because I love to pretend that I work here, and cause confusion. I've been doing this for a week now."

 

[Marginal]

Unintentional one on my part back while I was working fast food.

Customer: Just to let you know, some a-hole backed up the men's toilet.
Me: Well, that stands to reason.

 

[frank raud]

When I was in high school, I didn't get along very well with my english teacher. I was late with an assignment as usual, as I walked into class, the teacher asked"What do you have for me today?" "Contempt" was my reply. That was the last conversation I had with that teacher.

I have mellowed a little since then.

 

[MA-Caver]

These were the best smart *** answers of 2004, 2003 and 2002 and probably years past that...

Old news dude. Sorry.

 

[karatekid1975]

Ok, this might seem gross, but I work for a company that makes everything from emergency med supplies, to coffin "protection" covers. One girl wanted to play a joke on her mom. She wanted to take home the directions for the coffin cover. Another lady said, "She might say that I'll end up in that thing from watching your 3 kids all day!" Her mom doesn't work, so she watches her kids all day. And from what I hear, they are brats. That was a quick and good come-back. The girl threw out the directions LOL.

 

[Raewyn]

Ok, this might seem gross, but I work for a company that makes everything from emergency med supplies, to coffin "protection" covers. One girl wanted to play a joke on her mom. She wanted to take home the directions for the coffin cover. Another lady said, "She might say that I'll end up in that thing from watching your 3 kids all day!" Her mom doesn't work, so she watches her kids all day. And from what I hear, they are brats. That was a quick and good come-back. The girl threw out the directions LOL.

Verrrry good

 

[Jonathan Randall]

Mine occurred during college when I worked at a Spa and Hot Tub store. One very, very hot afternoon a man came in to ask for brochures and some basic information. He said he was in a hurry because it was hot. "Oh, do you have a dog in the car", I asked. "No, my wife", he responded - with a smile.

 

[MA-Caver]

I recall a number of years ago I was at a theater with my oldest brother and his wife to watch Animal House. I was at the concessions (something that I don't do anymore) to get the staples and was appalled at the high prices (more so now than before). When given the total amount due I looked at the girl behind the counter while handing her the money and sighed: "Remember when everything was cheap at the movies?"

She looked up from her till and with a straight face said: "Nothing's cheap, I'm only 16."