Prepare for a long rant but this is an important issue in martial arts that I think deserves some attention.
Growing up, I was always taught to sit silent when confronted or to not attempt to defend myself or de-escalate a violent situation if I was attacked. I was raised with the idea that instigative violence against me is OK while defending myself is wrong, a ridiculous dogma that is both legally and morally reprehensible. I was basically taught to be a passive, weak person under the guise that it will somehow make me morally superior. But all it did was make my life more difficult and let people walk all over me.
Fast forward a couple decades and after 6 years of studying Shotokan Karate, I am an assistant instructor who has been assigned to a kids class (as apparently you have to teach kids before you can teach adults). My job involves teaching children not just how to physically defend themselves but also how to de-escalate bad situations using their words. Just as a maths teacher teaches arithmetic, it is now apparently my job to teach assertiveness.
One thing that I notice about the classes I teach is that there is a 50/50 split between assertive and non-assertive children. The assertive ones strike the hardest, are the most social/happy, and have an easy time paying attention and following directions. The non-assertive ones strike the bags/targets hesitantly, have a harder time socializing, and often find it challenging to follow instructions. They are also often told to sit out of class due to behavioral reasons and appear to be quite passive during sparring matches, rarely scoring any points. And from what I hear, they apparently have a lot of difficulties in school as well.
This concerns me a great deal, largely due to the fact that I know what it is like to be conditioned as a passive, weak individual early on in life. It is my hypothesis that the latter group of children are being taught by their parents and teachers the same dishonest, counterintuitive doctrine that I was taught, i.e. "always be the bigger person regardless of the situation, even if it means being a total pushover." And it appears that this doctrine has subconsciously conditioned some of these children to be quiet, weak, sensitive individuals. This weakness is evident in their behavior as much as it is in the roundhouse kicks they throw at the heavy bags. From my perspective, being emotionally passive and having weak technique has transcended correlation and has become a full-on connection with almost 100% accuracy. In other words, if a confident kid walks in, they throw strong punches on day 1; if a quiet, shy kid walks in, they throw weak punches several months into their training.
By sheer luck, I personally managed to break free of this "always be gentle and passive" nonsense around the time I started university and currently live a happy life, finding it easy to stand up for myself when appropriate. However, in my experience, the people who choose to be passive and non-confrontational into adulthood end up being miserable, unsuccessful, unhealthy individuals that then pollute the world by instilling this destructive logic onto their own offspring. Even some of the friends I grew up with have fallen victim to this toxic state of mind, and of course, they have grown up as miserable, unsuccessful, unhealthy individuals.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I see this same kind of passive behavior in some of the adults that I train with. Now, I am by no means good at sparring, nor an intimidating-looking individual, and yet I have had kumite matches with high-ranking opponents in which they continuously back away from me despite plenty of openings from them to attack and me not throwing a single technique. I can see the hesitance in their eyes and it is easy for me to capitalize on it simply by being the least bit assertive in my technique. Once again, it is my prediction that they were taught from a young age to be passive, and that these teachings are responsible for their lack of vigor. This seems to even show up when they do kata, with the same people still being afraid to kiai properly even after several years of training.
I don't want my young students to turn out like this. I want them to grow up as strong, assertive people. I want to override any passive, anti-confrontational rubbish that their parents and teachers might be poisoning them with and let them know that being a confident, assertive person is the one true key to success and happiness. I don't want to see any of them sent into the adult world as weak pushovers, as it will only bring them disappointment in the long run. Does anyone have any advice on how best to teach this? It could be something as small as a physical drill or something or as big as a pep talk, and it can be as small as what a single lesson would cover or as big as something to teach over the course of several years. Granted, I don't want to teach them to be aggressive, as that emotion is just as harmful as being passive; I want to teach them to be assertive yet still civil.
More importantly, do any other instructors here face this dilemma? Am I the only one who notices this assertive vs. passive split, not just in the dojo but in everyday life? This is a topic that has fascinated me for quite some time now and I would like to know what other martial artist - students and instructors alike - think about it.
P.S. I am by no means trying to judge or denounce anyone, as I am a firm believer that everyone has the potential and deserves the opportunity to better themselves. I am simply looking to bring light to a certain problem and assist people in getting rid of it.
Growing up, I was always taught to sit silent when confronted or to not attempt to defend myself or de-escalate a violent situation if I was attacked. I was raised with the idea that instigative violence against me is OK while defending myself is wrong, a ridiculous dogma that is both legally and morally reprehensible. I was basically taught to be a passive, weak person under the guise that it will somehow make me morally superior. But all it did was make my life more difficult and let people walk all over me.
Fast forward a couple decades and after 6 years of studying Shotokan Karate, I am an assistant instructor who has been assigned to a kids class (as apparently you have to teach kids before you can teach adults). My job involves teaching children not just how to physically defend themselves but also how to de-escalate bad situations using their words. Just as a maths teacher teaches arithmetic, it is now apparently my job to teach assertiveness.
One thing that I notice about the classes I teach is that there is a 50/50 split between assertive and non-assertive children. The assertive ones strike the hardest, are the most social/happy, and have an easy time paying attention and following directions. The non-assertive ones strike the bags/targets hesitantly, have a harder time socializing, and often find it challenging to follow instructions. They are also often told to sit out of class due to behavioral reasons and appear to be quite passive during sparring matches, rarely scoring any points. And from what I hear, they apparently have a lot of difficulties in school as well.
This concerns me a great deal, largely due to the fact that I know what it is like to be conditioned as a passive, weak individual early on in life. It is my hypothesis that the latter group of children are being taught by their parents and teachers the same dishonest, counterintuitive doctrine that I was taught, i.e. "always be the bigger person regardless of the situation, even if it means being a total pushover." And it appears that this doctrine has subconsciously conditioned some of these children to be quiet, weak, sensitive individuals. This weakness is evident in their behavior as much as it is in the roundhouse kicks they throw at the heavy bags. From my perspective, being emotionally passive and having weak technique has transcended correlation and has become a full-on connection with almost 100% accuracy. In other words, if a confident kid walks in, they throw strong punches on day 1; if a quiet, shy kid walks in, they throw weak punches several months into their training.
By sheer luck, I personally managed to break free of this "always be gentle and passive" nonsense around the time I started university and currently live a happy life, finding it easy to stand up for myself when appropriate. However, in my experience, the people who choose to be passive and non-confrontational into adulthood end up being miserable, unsuccessful, unhealthy individuals that then pollute the world by instilling this destructive logic onto their own offspring. Even some of the friends I grew up with have fallen victim to this toxic state of mind, and of course, they have grown up as miserable, unsuccessful, unhealthy individuals.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I see this same kind of passive behavior in some of the adults that I train with. Now, I am by no means good at sparring, nor an intimidating-looking individual, and yet I have had kumite matches with high-ranking opponents in which they continuously back away from me despite plenty of openings from them to attack and me not throwing a single technique. I can see the hesitance in their eyes and it is easy for me to capitalize on it simply by being the least bit assertive in my technique. Once again, it is my prediction that they were taught from a young age to be passive, and that these teachings are responsible for their lack of vigor. This seems to even show up when they do kata, with the same people still being afraid to kiai properly even after several years of training.
I don't want my young students to turn out like this. I want them to grow up as strong, assertive people. I want to override any passive, anti-confrontational rubbish that their parents and teachers might be poisoning them with and let them know that being a confident, assertive person is the one true key to success and happiness. I don't want to see any of them sent into the adult world as weak pushovers, as it will only bring them disappointment in the long run. Does anyone have any advice on how best to teach this? It could be something as small as a physical drill or something or as big as a pep talk, and it can be as small as what a single lesson would cover or as big as something to teach over the course of several years. Granted, I don't want to teach them to be aggressive, as that emotion is just as harmful as being passive; I want to teach them to be assertive yet still civil.
More importantly, do any other instructors here face this dilemma? Am I the only one who notices this assertive vs. passive split, not just in the dojo but in everyday life? This is a topic that has fascinated me for quite some time now and I would like to know what other martial artist - students and instructors alike - think about it.
P.S. I am by no means trying to judge or denounce anyone, as I am a firm believer that everyone has the potential and deserves the opportunity to better themselves. I am simply looking to bring light to a certain problem and assist people in getting rid of it.
