Suicide: How society responds

[Ceicei]

Today, one of my good friends killed himself. He and I used to hang with our friends and did a lot of things while in college. We still kept in touch even though he got married and I did a year later. The last time I saw him was two weeks ago. His funeral will be this coming Saturday.

Watching how others reacted to this news, the subject of suicide is apparently rather taboo and up for speculation. Sadly, he never left any message as to why, and left his family and friends with many questions unanswered.

His death brought me to consider this question. Is society doing enough to prevent/reduce suicide? Why is suicide something that is still discussed "in whispers"? Why do people have a need to speculate, and make assumptions that may not be true--placing blame where it may not be deserved?

Well, Kevin now has left his life of pain and sorrow, and went where he believes is better. At least the last time I talked with Kevin, we had a lot of fun.

- Ceicei

 

[HKphooey]

I very sorry for the loss of your friend. I know how difficult it is. My sister lost her possible future husband to suicide. No note and she was the one that found him. 8 years later she is still re-living that nightmare.

I think we as a society need to be more aware of our loved ones and their actions. Many times the signs are ther but we are too busy to notice or we pass it off as no big deal. I have a friend that we wer lucky enough to notice the change in his behavior and got him help.

Once again my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Kacey]

That's a really hard thing to have to deal with - please accept my condolences on your loss.

As far as your question about suicide being talked about "in whispers", this is only my opinion... but death itself is still talked about in whispers by many people. As noted in the recent threads that Jenna has posted about fear of death, many people are uncertain what death holds; also, in addition to concerns about death, suicide is a sin in many religions, and no matter you rpresonal opinion on the matter, this belief permeates society. Even people who have rejected the concept of sin intellectually still respond on a visceral, emotional level when a stressful event occurs; in addition, many people believe that one should not speak ill of the dead. When these 2 concepts are combined, it becomes difficult to speak of people who committed suicide, because the action itself is a sin, and to speak of it therefore becomes speaking ill of the dead. Also, I think that many people feel responsible for not noticing the signs indicating that suicide might be coming, and avoid their feelings by avoiding the topic. The movie The Big Chill sheds some light on this subject and explores reactions to suicide, but society still has a long way to go, in teaching people to know when to get help for themselves and for others, when it appears that suicide has become a realistic option.

 

[Swordlady]

Oh my god...I'm so sorry about your loss, Ceicei. His family and friends are in my thoughts and prayers.

There are many reasons why some choose to end their lives. Some "telegraph" their intent to others (e.g., giving away treasured possessions). But others may not give out any clear signs about their current state of mind. Or it may be so subtle others may not "catch on" until it's too late.

I'd like to think that our society (at least American society) is trying to provide more services to those thinking about committing suicide. There are 24-hour hotlines, and one could voluntarily "commit" themselves to a mental hospital if necessary. There has been more of a push for people to seek counseling and therapy; mental health issues aren't nearly as "taboo" as they were decades ago. But regardless of the available resources, *someone* is still going to decide to end their life anyway. That is just the sad reality of it all.

One of the other unfortunate realities of suicide is that the loved ones left behind often (if not always) question themselves, wondering if there was something they could've done to prevent it. Suicide hurts everyone, not just the person who does the deed. You can't help but think about what you could've done, should've done differently.

I also knew someone who committed suicide. We were friends, but not really that close. But his death still filled me with the inevitable questions and a great deal of guilt. Of course his exgirlfriend (who I was very good friends with) took it the hardest. The only thing we knew what to do was gather at my house, and just pray the entire night.

I really don't have any other words. My deepest condolences to you and your friend's loved ones. May they find comfort and peace in their time of need.

 

[Jade Tigress]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend Ceicei. *hugs*

I have no explanations for the discomfort a suicide brings. I think society handles it in "whispers" is because it involves choice. However, suicide is a result of depression and needs to be treated as any other death by health impairment, whether the disease is psychological of physical.

I know 2 people who lost loved ones to suicide, though I did not personally know the victims.

I heard a recent ad on the radio for a walk to raise suicide awareness, this is a good thing there needs to be more of. It carries the same stigma as mental illness still does. Societies perspective on mental illness and suicide needs to shift to the medical component at the root of it. I don't know how this can be done. Awareness needs to be raised just as it has been done with other medical diseases in which cures are being sought.

Again, I am deeply sorry this tragedy has struck the lives of those who loved this man.

 

[Phadrus00]

Ceicei,

Please accept my condolences on your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you and his family.

Best Regards,
Rob

 

[shesulsa]

Suicide is still one of "those things" that "other people" do. As long as we keep pretending that we are not human and are above experiencing such loss in our lives, we will continue this disjointed existence as a species. Sad.

CeiCei, please accept my condolances and sympathy for your loss.

 

[matt.m]

Ceicei,

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I knew someone who killed themself in the Marine Corps. This guys girlfriend dear johned him. He got the letter two days before he was going to fly to Ohio and propose to her.

It killed his feeling of self worth. We all felt bad, he was a good Marine.

 

[Ping898]

CC,

You have my deepest sympathies.

I think some of the reasons suicide is still talked about in whispers is a) it often claims the young or people in the "prime of their life", makes people wonder what that person might have accomplished, b) there is the stigma of the person having a pyshcological disorder and that is looked down upon at least in the US and c) there is always this feeling of "did I miss a sign this was going to happen?", "Could I have done more?", or "Shouldn't the husband/wife/mom/dad etc, seen this coming and stopped it?"

It is only recently that those who committed suicide were allowed to be buried in church cemetaries and most life insurance policies refuse benefits to death as a ressult of suicide at least in the first few years of the policy.

 

[Xue Sheng]

I am sorry for your loss.

A friend of mines fiancée committed suicide and he never found out why either.

 

[Jonathan Randall]

My condolences.

I lost a friend to suicide as well and I know that it can be one of the most difficult things for a person to face. However, sometimes people are in such emotional pain and distress that they see suicide as the only way to end what, for them, is an intolerable existence. Unfortunately, many jackass's have never faced such emotional distress themselves and make clear that they have no sympathy for those poor souls. We have a long way to go as a society.

 

[Eternal Beginner]

I know I was very surprised by people's reactions when my husband's best friend committed suicide. We all worked for a large company and when we heard one of our fellow co-workers decided to take up a collection to help out his widow and two young children. The amount of people that were angry at him for doing this and refused to contribute really shocked me.

Of course, more people donated than refused, but I really wasn't prepared for the anger.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Ceicei]

Thank you for your replies.

I would like to explore further how society thinks of suicide and what could be done to modify these perspectives.

- Ceicei

 

[shesulsa]

Thank you for your replies.

I would like to explore further how society thinks of suicide and what could be done to modify these perspectives.

- Ceicei

There was a massive movement not all that long ago to raise awareness on suicide and prevention. I truly think massive awareness is what's got to happen and this means survivors need to talk openly and frankly about their pain and keep doing it.

You've started it, CC. Let's keep it going.

 

[Jonathan Randall]

There was a massive movement not all that long ago to raise awareness on suicide and prevention. I truly think massive awareness is what's got to happen and this means survivors need to talk openly and frankly about their pain and keep doing it.

You've started it, CC. Let's keep it going.

I, personally, think that bipolar disorder (diagnosed or not) as well as regular depression is a major factor in many, if not most, suicides. Also, a relationship, whether spousal, parental, or friendship with a narcisssistic personality is a significant contributor as well. There is also what I consider the "accidental" suicide - individuals who are not generally suicida whol take the step during a moment of duress without thinking or considering the consequences and succeed at this first attempt. Many teen suicides, but certainly not all, fall under this category.

Ceicei, I've been through what you're going through (although I was much younger at the time) and have some ideas of resources that may help you through this. PM me anytime (I don't want to share too much on an open forum - no matter how much I love Martial Talk). Best wishes.

 

[Ceicei]

I went to Kevin's funeral today. It was very nicely done. The three people who spoke about him (brother, a close friend, and the bishop of the congregation) did not sugar coat their words. They were direct, acknowledged that the suicide did happen, and it effected all people around him. They also said to question ourselves "why and what if" is in a sense needless because this gives us an unnecessary burden for something that may not be within our control. The bishop also said that it is not our place to judge Kevin for his actions, as it is up to God who knows us all well, better than we know each other, and that He knows our hearts and minds. We should all remember Kevin for the good he has done and the love he showed to the people around him.

This is a very refreshing funeral, compared to a few others I've been to in the past (when the deceased also committed suicide). These other services kind of glossed over or avoided the subject of suicide.

I think the openess with this funeral is because there were indeed a lot of questions and some negativity that circulated at the viewing prior to the funeral services. There were many who were having a hard time (especially his four daughters). I also think the openess with this funeral may be more for the daughters to give them "closure" and to help them understand they did not need to feel like they were responsible for his death.

It looks like the "massive movement" (that Shesulsa mentioned) is finally showing results. I hope this continues on and people may be able to shake off the shackles of the fear, misunderstanding, and aversion of discussing suicide.

- Ceicei

 

[Jenna]

I went to Kevin's funeral today. It was very nicely done. The three people who spoke about him (brother, a close friend, and the bishop of the congregation) did not sugar coat their words. They were direct, acknowledged that the suicide did happen, and it effected all people around him. They also said to question ourselves "why and what if" is in a sense needless because this gives us an unnecessary burden for something that may not be within our control. The bishop also said that it is not our place to judge Kevin for his actions, as it is up to God who knows us all well, better than we know each other, and that He knows our hearts and minds. We should all remember Kevin for the good he has done and the love he showed to the people around him.

This is a very refreshing funeral, compared to a few others I've been to in the past (when the deceased also committed suicide). These other services kind of glossed over or avoided the subject of suicide.

I think the openess with this funeral is because there were indeed a lot of questions and some negativity that circulated at the viewing prior to the funeral services. There were many who were having a hard time (especially his four daughters). I also think the openess with this funeral may be more for the daughters to give them "closure" and to help them understand they did not need to feel like they were responsible for his death.

It looks like the "massive movement" (that Shesulsa mentioned) is finally showing results. I hope this continues on and people may be able to shake off the shackles of the fear, misunderstanding, and aversion of discussing suicide.

- Ceicei

Ceicei I am genuinely moved hearing of your friend and I am SO glad that the ceremony to mark his final departure was as you say "refreshing" because I think there is one word that wholly engulfs suicide and that is SHAME.. where "normal" death itself has even a certain honour or what we talk of dying with dignity well this is not what we say out loud or to ourselves of suicide and all there is for those who see no option but suicide is an unspoken shame and while I understand this at the same time I will say I find this attitude of having shame stinks and is VERY disagreeable to me

and here is how I see it which is my opinion and is not to say it is right .....
^ first of all there must be an education to the widest possible society and the teachers of necessity ought to be those who have lived a suicide either themselves as survivors or the families of those who were tragically lost and which will give our societies an awareness of the nature of suicide and the wherefores of it
^ and then once such knowledge begins to implant itself there is a greater education and appreciation and then the shame and the stigma will be lessened greatly
^ and then when the cloak of shame has been pulled away from suicide then someone who has weighed into the cold waters of their own emptiness and is in contemplation of committing the act will be more easily heard should they raise their voice just once to say I am here but I do not want to be here
^ and then once a voice is heard and acknowledged many other voices may hear it also and realise they are not the only one and this is a help even though it may not appear to because to know you are not alone is often a spur to raise a hand and say yes..... me too

and Ceicei yes suicidal thoughts are common.. a lot more common than is ever acknowledged by anyone and if it was acknowledged as a thing that happens to ordinary people and not solitary outsiders but just ordinary people of every persuasion and social background then I think it would certainly lessen the weight on the shoulders of those who are burdened

and I want to say something if I am allowed and suicide is NOT a cowards option as is so often the awful stereotype and if I am allowed to say straight out one thing it is that those who find themselves moving deeper into the waters of suicide well.. they are courageous! Yes I will say that and will DEFEND it also for all and everything I am worth and IF ONLY those moving out further into these deep waters could see this COURAGE as the true virtue it is it might be as a flotation aid to them to let them just HANG ON with fingertips for just a little longer until the rescue boat comes along because the thing of it is that the person in these dark suicidal waters will not even have noticed the rescue boat doing circuits of the harbour but I will say that boat IS THERE and just think of the courage it takes in yourself to even have weighed so far into these suicidal waters and let that be enough to just reach out a hand for the flotation aid... the boat is coming..

and Ceicei thank you for this thread you are a genuinely good person to try to remove that cloak of shame from suicide:asian:

Yr most obdt hmble srvt,
Jenna