Soul Searching

[green meanie]

More often than not. "As long as there is a tomorrow, the only way I can face it is with no regrets...", has been my signature on here.
But this is one of those times when I find myself doing a little soul searching...

I had a friend, a fellow Marine, whom I haven't spoken to in several years called me last night. He's trying to organize a reunion and has gotten in touch with several of our friends already. As we tried to get each other up to speed on what's been going on, one thing that was mentioned was how I was one of the 'lucky ones'. He, and several others he's contacted, all went into dangerous professions not knowing what else to do with the training we'd received. He's a crime scene investigator; another is a explosives & demolitions expert; another is an undercover cop in the narcotics division; several are cops and prison guards... and there are a few who are on the wrong side of the bars too.

When he asked what I do I told him I'm just living this 'normal little life': I live in a tiny little town in the deep woods of Pennsylvania where I go to work in the morning, come home in the evening, see my wife and kids, and run my Ju jitsu classes and Wrestling practices. He was almost in tears telling me how much he envies my life... how I'm one of the 'lucky ones'.

I can't deny how lucky I am and how fortunate I feel to have a good job and a loving family where everyone is happy and healthy. I'm thankful for what I have and the life I'm living. But I'm so amazed and proud of my friends... the difference they're trying to make and the sacrifices I know they must be making, risking their lives like they do. I just can't help but wonder if maybe I'm supposed to be doing more with the things I've been taught and the talents I have, or had. I don't think he was disappointed with me but he seemed so surprised that I was just living this 'normal' life when he could remember how I used to do my old job with such... 'enthusiasm'.

I don't know. I love my blessed little life and wouldn't trade it for anything but I can't help but wonder: was it selfish of me to not want to do the dangerous work that I used to be good at and just want a 'normal' life? What if I could've made a difference? But at what cost? Blargh.

 

[Martial Tucker]

Just curious....prior to having the conversation with your friend, had you been having any feelings about "not doing enough" with your life?

Regardless of your answer, I would suggest neither dismissing your feelings outright or putting too much weight on them right away. Now that your "pot has been stirred", give it some time to settle down, say 6-12 months, and re-assess how you feel about things. You and all of your buddies have paid your dues in terms of serving. Just because they continue in risky professions of public service does not make them any more noble than you.

I suggest:

1. Continue to live and enjoy your life as it is.
2. Listen to your inner voice if it continues, but take time to make sure
you're processing the "message" correctly, and not just acting on emotion.
3. Don't forget that there are many ways to "make a difference" that don't involve high risk, and choosing those ways is just as valuable to society, and no less noble or courageous.

 

[bluemtn]

You chose your path, and quite often, the first choice is the correct one in my opinion. Talk to your wife and see what she thinks of your life so far... Chances are, she's happy and more than thrilled of the life you two have together and wouldn't want it any other way. Are/ were you selfish? No! Not everyone wants to live on the edge 24/7, for good or bad. Who says you're not making a difference now? You never know who's lives you're touching by just being you and doing what you do.

 

[Robert Lee]

You do the work you like to do. Every one does not want to go into law enforcement, demolition ect. You choose what you choose. No second guessing the past. Look at where you are if you like what you do and have been doing then thats all that matters. We were all young before I can look back and see what I liked in the past. And had some good times But we settle in for a regular life style That we some how choose If your marine buddies Like the field they went into Thats great. Sounds like you have one that thinks you have done great.

 

[matt.m]

You know devil dog, I am rated at 60%. I am married without children. I know what your going through. The others have good intentions. However, without wearing the uniform it is just that, a good intentions.

I work in a financial aid office. So, I feel I am making a contribution by helping people get an education. With an education they are self sufficient. You know I was an artillery sergeant, so how does that translate? It doesn't, I didn't want law enforcement either. So while going to school, I always thought "Is my life worthwhile?" "Am I doing enough?" "What's the point? etc"

Here is a big reason why that is. I mean we have augmented feelings in this manner because for 4 yrs. we were running at 150 miles an hour, were always busy and always had some kind of immediate gratification from others. It is easy to get bummed after an enlistment in the Marine Corps. I know some of my peers have expressed envyious traits towards me and my life now.

However, these are the same people that were like that while I was on active duty. You know, the advice of talking with your wife is probably the best advice so far. Here is why: She knows you best of everyone and is your best friend. That is how it goes.

Take care and Semper Fi,

Matt

 

[pstarr]

You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing and what you do DOES make a difference. It may not be a difference that people can see right away, but it's there.

 

[trueaspirer]

Dont feel like your doing something wrong by not living as dangerously as your friends. That kind of thought and feeling is related to survivors guilt. They are doing things that put them in danger and give them a risky course through life, you are not. Therefore you wonder what gives you the right not to also be doing that, and feel your life is possibly on the wrong track. For you, it might be, or it might not be. Give it time, but try not to convince yourself one way or the other. Perhaps your feeling was right, maybe you should have been doing something else. On the other hand, maybe its better for you and your family that you are doing what you are doing. You are changing the world, in your own way. Training people, helping them, whatever. And in the end, it is your decision. I know that's an uncomfortable position. In a way, you'd rather the choise made for you. But accepting what is, and knowing that it's really your choice will help you later, even if it hurts more now.

Good luck and may you never regret all that you have done.

 

[FuriousGeorge]

I think its normal to have those feelings...and its always important to reassess one's life, but...Its easy when you hear what others are doing, what heroic or noble paths they have taken, to lose sight of the heroic and noble things you do in your seemingly normal life.

The first thing that comes to mind when I consider your situation is your family...you're job may seem too easy or not noble enough...but you do that job to support your wife and kids...who need and love you. What would they do if you died working as a cop or in the armed forces? At the very least they would greatly miss their husband and father. Your life doesn't need to be dangerous to be heroic...heroism comes from selflessness in my opinion.

 

[donna]

You are an active, participating, Father to your children, Husband to your wife, and that is making a HUGE Impression.
Here am I on the other side of the planet, and your words touched me, I will be thinking about what you have said as I go about my daily chores.
We cant always be sure of HOW our lives affect others, but we can be sure that they DO.
Ask your wife how she feels about where you are now, ask your children, ask the people who are lucky enough to be taught martial arts by you.
I am sure they will tell you that you make a lot of difference in their lives.

 

[matt.m]

Your life doesn't need to be dangerous to be heroic...heroism comes from selflessness in my opinion.

That statement is absolutely awesome brother. It is so true on so many levels.

 

[green meanie]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to get involved in this. I just got in from practice and I feel so much better. It may not be glamorous or dangerous life I'm living but I know in my heart that when I'm on the mat I'm where I'm supposed to be. Thanks again. You've helped more than you can possibly imagine and it's very deeply appreciated. :asian:

 

[tradrockrat]

did I read your first post correctly in that you teach jiu jitsu and wrestling?

If so, I really think you need to take some time to assess what making a difference really means. Your a husband and a family man and a teacher. All three higher callings if you ask me. and all three make a difference every day.

 

[Xue Sheng]

Once again, I know I'm late.

You are doing what you are doing for a reason, and what is, is.

If your happy, you are lucky.

Doing a dangerous job is commendable but there are many people contributing to the world whose contributions are equally as important, they just contribute in a differnet way, and if you are happy at what you are doing and happy in your life you sound like you are already one of these people.

Besides if you are living tiny little town in the deep woods of Pennsylvania, I am already jealous. I spent some time in some tiny little town in the deep woods of Pennsylvania and they are great places to be.

 

[Lisa]

I don't know. I love my blessed little life and wouldn't trade it for anything but I can't help but wonder: was it selfish of me to not want to do the dangerous work that I used to be good at and just want a 'normal' life? What if I could've made a difference? But at what cost? Blargh.

Is there anything less selfish then parenting and being there to love your wife and raise and love your children? We each make a difference in our own way. It doesn't have to involve personal peril to make a difference. You touch people every day with a kind word or a simple act of appreciation.

 

[green meanie]

Just curious....prior to having the conversation with your friend, had you been having any feelings about "not doing enough" with your life?

No, this was comparable to going to your 20 year high school reunion and after comparing notes questioning some of the choices you've made in your life. The difference is, I'm not envious of how the choices they've made I've got the life I've always wanted -a simple life with a wife and kids. I just felt a little guilty after hearing about the hard choices my friends have made. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. :asian:

 

[Carol]

No, this was comparable to going to your 20 year high school reunion and after comparing notes questioning some of the choices you've made in your life. The difference is, I'm not envious of how the choices they've made I've got the life I've always wanted -a simple life with a wife and kids. I just felt a little guilty after hearing about the hard choices my friends have made. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. :asian:

That's a great life you have there, Mean Green one.

I'm envious.

 

[green meanie]

did I read your first post correctly in that you teach jiu jitsu and wrestling?

If so, I really think you need to take some time to assess what making a difference really means. Your a husband and a family man and a teacher. All three higher callings if you ask me. and all three make a difference every day.

You read correctly and you're right. And I usually know better... I do. This just gave my internal compass a bit of a spin and it took a little time and A LOT of support from my MT buddies to help get my bearings back. A big thanks to all of you for that. :asian:

 

[bluemtn]

Don't you just love those little "spins" life throws at you sometimes? No problem and anytime, Denny.