Self Preservation

[Jade Tigress]

Major depression is very serious. You can't just pull yourself out. There are real, physical symptoms. I have been diagnosed with major depression. The thing is, I am an optimistic person by nature. A lifetime, and I mean LIFETIME, of one traumatic event after the other has come my way. I could tell story after story from early childhood to present. All things that have been out of my control. I dealt and dealt the best I could. The first suicidal thought I had was around age 9 or 10. They have haunted me for a lifetime. I have had numerous plans. What keeps me from going through with it? As a child, I don't know, age I guess. I didn't know what depression was or that the feelings of despair I had were depression. I repressed memories to cope, but it didn't alleviate the depression, it just hid why I was depressed. As an adult, what keeps from doing it is my children and my faith, though that doesn't stop me from thinking about or wishing for some sort of escape, to the point of death.

I have been on an antidepressant for about 4 years now. Before I started on meds, my life got to the point where I couldn't function...at all. The simplest of tasks took every ounce of energy I had and I lost interest in doing anything at all. Now I can *function*, but I still feel depression every day and there are still days I just want to crawl into bed and never wake up. At first the med helped alot, but once again, circumstances stole away my progress. Now the antidepressant helps me keep going. Is is not a "happy pill" by any means. They are over prescribed and many people who shouldn't be on an antidepressant are. But for those with true major depression, they can be a lifesaver. Without it, I would be unable to hold a job. When I finally did go to the doctor for it, he asked if I was working. Fortunately I wasn't at the time. I knew I couldn't have if I did, and he was ready to put me on medical leave if I was. I have been in counseling 3 times. Twice before starting the antidepressant, and once after. Counseling didn't/doesn't help me much.

I was doing some research on depression a few years ago. I found this bit of information, it's just something I saved because it explains things for me knowing that I am not a negative or gloomy type person. I like to laugh, I like to have fun.

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Recently, a study has been done on the way chronic stress contributes to depression (Health Magazine, April 2000). Researchers believe that continuous stress over a long period of time "hard wires" the brain into operating in stress mode all the time, triggering depression. [/FONT]

I believe this is what happened to me. I have continued to hang on because I have hope for the future. Then again, at times the future seems so desolate, and I struggle with my choices and the direction they will take me. I'm currently at a major crossroad in my life, wondering whether to continue on a new path or return to the known one. And this is where you get to feeling there is no way out. You feel stuck.

Well, enough of my rambling. I started this reply to address the articles claiming depression can be good. I disagree with the use of the term depression in the articles. Having the "blues" at times can be good. Feeling sadness can be good. These things can prompt evaluation and good change. Major depression is NOT good and interferes with every aspect of life.

 

[morph4me]

I really value your posts and your insights, especially in "The Study" and "The Locker Room". I'm really glad you stepped back from the brink and are still here with us today.

I second that, MT would not be the same without you.

 

[Sukerkin]

I'm very flattered at the kind words above, Catalyst and morph4me - thank you deeply for the sentiment :rei:.

 

[JBrainard]

...I truly couldn't see my way out of it so, in common with many manic depressives, I propped myself up with copious amounts of alcohol (the appropriately named Southern Comfort being my 'crutch of choice' (can't stand the stuff now )). It evens out the highs and lows a bit but I wouldn't recommend it as a treatment method as hangovers plus depression is not a pleasant equation...

My experience was a little different. When I really started to downspiral I started drinking as a means to cope but, while it dulled the pain a bit, it hindered me from being able to deal with the environmental issues that were contributing to my depression. I was also a very angry drunk, which never helped things.

Major depression is very serious. You can't just pull yourself out. There are real, physical symptoms. I have been diagnosed with major depression. The thing is, I am an optimistic person by nature. A lifetime, and I mean LIFETIME, of one traumatic event after the other has come my way. I could tell story after story from early childhood to present. All things that have been out of my control. I dealt and dealt the best I could. The first suicidal thought I had was around age 9 or 10. They have haunted me for a lifetime. I have had numerous plans. What keeps me from going through with it? As a child, I don't know, age I guess. I didn't know what depression was or that the feelings of despair I had were depression. I repressed memories to cope, but it didn't alleviate the depression, it just hid why I was depressed. As an adult, what keeps from doing it is my children and my faith, though that doesn't stop me from thinking about or wishing for some sort of escape, to the point of death.

I have been on an antidepressant for about 4 years now. Before I started on meds, my life got to the point where I couldn't function...at all. The simplest of tasks took every ounce of energy I had and I lost interest in doing anything at all. Now I can *function*, but I still feel depression every day and there are still days I just want to crawl into bed and never wake up. At first the med helped alot, but once again, circumstances stole away my progress. Now the antidepressant helps me keep going. Is is not a "happy pill" by any means. They are over prescribed and many people who shouldn't be on an antidepressant are. But for those with true major depression, they can be a lifesaver. Without it, I would be unable to hold a job. When I finally did go to the doctor for it, he asked if I was working. Fortunately I wasn't at the time. I knew I couldn't have if I did, and he was ready to put me on medical leave if I was. I have been in counseling 3 times. Twice before starting the antidepressant, and once after. Counseling didn't/doesn't help me much.

Jade, if I may make a (hopefully helpfull) observation: Counceling, in my experience at least, helps a hell of a lot to bring closure to traumatic events that have happened in ones life. I wouldn't give up on that method of treatment. The problem you are having with counseling my be due to the fact that there are A LOT of ****** counselors and a select few really good ones out there. Counseling itself may not be ineffective for you, just the counselors you have/are seeing. I would recomend (and if you don't agree I won't be offended, as these things are very personal) that you ask around and get multiple referalls to a counselor that is well versed in helping people who have to deal with the baggage associated with traumatic life events. It may help you more than the meds ever will.
But then again, I'm not a doctor, I just play one on TV

I was doing some research on depression a few years ago. I found this bit of information, it's just something I saved because it explains things for me knowing that I am not a negative or gloomy type person. I like to laugh, I like to have fun.

I believe this is what happened to me. I have continued to hang on because I have hope for the future. Then again, at times the future seems so desolate, and I struggle with my choices and the direction they will take me. I'm currently at a major crossroad in my life, wondering whether to continue on a new path or return to the known one. And this is where you get to feeling there is no way out. You feel stuck.

Well, enough of my rambling. I started this reply to address the articles claiming depression can be good. I disagree with the use of the term depression in the articles. Having the "blues" at times can be good. Feeling sadness can be good. These things can prompt evaluation and good change. Major depression is NOT good and interferes with every aspect of life.

I firmly believe in the whole "re-wireing" idea about trauma/depression/whatever. It takes a process of developing healthy coping skills and using them over time to re-wire your brain back to a healthy state (as much as is permitted by a person's brain chemistry).
You also mentioned that the "blues" and sadness can be good. Your absolutely right. About 6 months ago something happened to me that was, well, depressing and it was hard to for me to know how to react. Should I fight the depression it caused? Would supressing my depressed reaction be healthy? It's a crazy road we are on...