Ok, stop with the jokes! My wife says if I ruin one more keyboard by spittin' coffee all over it I'm in for it next time I'm her uke.:whip1:
Sorry, no can do
Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that"
"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"
Another version of the same joke and one I personally like better (this one I remembered, but since I can't type the accent, I had to search for it, which how I came about the first version)
On the eve of the Gulf War 2, Angus Greenblatt came doon frae' the hills into Inverness to enlist in the Queen's Own Highlanders (Seaforths & Camerons). He presented himself before the Recruiting N.C.O., and according to orders, receited his credentials. The Warrant Officer nodded approvingly at his answers. Angus thought that he he was in for sure.
Suddenly, the Warrant Officer slammed Angus' file folder closed, and said: "Och lad, no go".
"wha'ts this, Sar't Major?" asked the perplexed Angus.
"We canne ha'e ye in the Yoonit," replied the Warrant.
"But why, Sarn't Major? " asked Angus. "Me family's lived in Scotland since the '45, and me faither sairved in North Africa in the Black Watch under Montgomery durrin Wairl Warr Twa. Why dinnae ye want me in the Yoounit?"
"Ye're circumcised, isnae that kerrect?" asked the Warrant.
"Aye", replied Angus. "And tha's an oondeniable fact."
"Och, lad, then that's the reason".
Angus drew himself up to his full height, looked the Warrant Officer in the eye, and said:
"Och. I can oonderstand that if a mannie wanted to join the Coldstream, or the Welsh or even the Scots Guards that he'd have to have the "proper family connections", but this is the fiurrst I eveer heard that ye had to be a complete prick to get into the Queen's Own Highlanders."
