Practicing while sick/injured

[Flea]

Tonight I finally took the plunge and told my head instructor. I didn't really need to do it; I was pretty out of it tonight so it was clear that there was something amiss. He said his main concern was that I got what I felt *I* needed from the class, and if sitting out is what I need on a given day then so be it.

Then he gave me some well-intentioned pointers on holistic living. *sigh* Clearly that's worked wonders for him, but I know my own path. To each their own. In any case, it was a good conversation and I'm glad I had it. I may not have needed to put it off as long as I did, but that's okay. It's one more part of the journey.

 

[grydth]

You gave your instructor, and previously the assistant, the chance to be understanding and caring human beings, and they took it. As for you, you are not weak, but rather quite strong.

Look how your courage and forthrightness have paid dividends..... for all of you.

One of the leading British aces of the First World War recounted that his greatest challenge was conquering his own fear.

I have long felt that those who have to work the hardest at MA often become the best. Now go enjoy your class and your fellow students.

 

[Flea]

Thanks, hon. That means a lot to me.

I can already tell what my Next Big Challenge is going to be. I'd never done anything like MA before, and the novelty had shocked my brain into a wonderful high that's lasted almost 6 months. Delicious! But now that novelty has worn off. The honeymoon is over, and that means that I'll be showing up depressed more often than not. I'm not being dramatic, it's just how my brain operates.

So the next big challenge is sticking with it for real. Now depressed, my learning curve is going to slow way down. My patience with myself is going to dwindle away to nothing. Simply because I don't respond to fun and humor the way most people do, it's going to feel a lot more like work - so I'm afraid of alienating my fellow students by being "the sad sack." I have a rock solid track record in all of this, so I know exactly what to expect. The power of positive thinking can take one only so far, especially when one is physically incapable of thinking positively.

I'm still determined to make this work. Given my record with this stuff I'm not sure how it'll go, but I'm a stubborn little bastard if nothing else. I would love some suggestions if anyone can offer any.

 

[Stac3y]

I have longstanding problems with depression, also. I've noticed that when I am starting a downward slide, it can be more difficult to get myself to class or to the gym. Sometimes very difficult, and I have had nights when I've been in weepy mode and have worried that I would break down in the middle of class. So far, though, what's worked for me is to just get in there and start the class. Once the endorphins kick in from the workout, my mood lifts. When I have trouble doing that, I remind myself that I am not just an individual taking a class--I am PART of the class, and the others depend on me to be there--our learning is symbiotic, sort of. This is probably easier for me than it would be in your situation, though, since I assist in the kids' classes before my own class. The kids let me know quite clearly that they miss me when I'm not there.

BTW, I haven't broken down in class (yet), but I've seen others do it, and no one holds it against them. The people I train with are great.

Even though you've had a lot of experience with this, and know how you react to similar situations, perhaps it might be helpful to try to convince yourself that this is a plateau rather than that the novelty has worn off. I guess I lean toward the behaviorist side of psych; I think that forcing actions can lead to appropriate feelings--acting "okay" helps you to feel "okay," if that makes sense.

Hope some of this is helpful.

 

[Flea]

perhaps it might be helpful to try to convince yourself that this is a plateau rather than that the novelty has worn off.

I like that. Thank you.

My main issue is what I call The Stoopids - I simply can't focus at all regardless of my emotional climate. I've been known at my worst to call a friend to coach me through pouring myself a bowl of corn flakes. Sometimes, there are just too many steps in the process. :disgust:

So that's what I'm up against here. It's not the emotional content, it's that I just can't think. Somebody comes at me, and I'll stare stupidly and let them grab me. Then I'll just stand there. Of course this isn't every class, but it's enough that there's a definite trend. It's not so much a safety liability as a humiliation. I'm tired of sitting out, it's not what I come for.

 

[teekin]

Ohhhhh Flea, I have gotten utterly lost in the middle of a sequence, can't remember past the first move, some days do the mirror images( inverted) or have zip short term memory. If this is your life sweety, learn to laugh and see the irony in it and so will your partners. . (There are days I am quiet, and I hide inside myself too. The guys respect those days. )This isn't a dress rehearsal, this is IT. Life ain't going to change, your response to it can. In fact, it is the only thing that can.
lori
Keep up the good fight

 

[Flea]

Maybe this is thread-related, maybe I just want to hear myself talk ... but what the hey. Thread-following is voluntary, after all.

I'm taking a couple weeks off practice. I really have to. I've had a huge flare-up, cycling up and down two or three times a day, within arm's reach of psychosis. It's been excruciating. I almost went to the ER a couple days ago, but had the fantastic luck to call a psych office and find a cancellation on the same day. Now I'm shuffling around like a Medication Zombie. Also no fun, but it beats the pants off the alternative. Nancy Reagan, eat yer heart out.

I tried class on Thursday and lasted about half an hour before my brain shut down. It was funny in a sad way - I must have had that "obliterated" look because everyone asked me "are you okay?" as they showed up. Yeah, I've been sick ... After I begged off for the evening I stuck around to watch for a bit. We practice outside in a city park, so I decided to refocus with some buddhist walking meditation. Pretty quickly I noticed a praying mantis nymph and stopped to admire it. For several minutes. Nose to nose. :lol: If my classmates didn't notice anything weird about me before, they sure have by now! (For the record, I've always loved insects, maybe not at such close range. But they're cool.)

I left a message with my teacher to ask him more about the holistic stuff. I have no intention of giving up the pharmaceuticals, but every bit of knowledge helps. I'll miss class, but there's no mania trigger like confrontation and I have no intention of relapsing. Besides, if I can't focus and can't move, it defeats the purpose anyway. Once my body adjusts to the new medication it'll be a different story.

Here's to a quick recovery ...

 

[teekin]

Flea Darling, it is too bad we can't go to the same class. :lol2: Between the two of us we'd turn Drew gray inside a year . I feel your pain baby, I've played medication roulette as well trying to figure out the best way to live life safely but NOT as a zombie. I try to let go of what people think of me when I have a seizure, or am zoned out, or exhibit some of the other odd emotional behavior the medication and the seizures cause but I still feel a sense of shame and horror that I burdened someone else with that behavior. I haven't quit class (yet) ( joking Andrew), but I sure have wanted to. I know just how you feel. Hang in there baby, it WILL get better, I promise.:cheers:
lori

 

[Tensei85]

Heh ... .willpower don't enter into it. My city had a marathon today, and I watched the parade go by for over an hour. Why? Strong bouncing women in shorts, that's why!!

:highfive:


Seriously though, I really appreciate the support. I've been burned enough that I won't totally believe that I'm copacetic until the main instructor comes back to town and I'm not ejected after a couple weeks. But I do feel a lot better. In the meantime, I'll just kick back for the next marathon. :ultracool

I do the same thing all the time!

 

[Tensei85]

Flea,

By the way wish you well and speedy recovery!