In my email today:
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was
living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and
I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another
Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a
few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah! He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed. I needed a building permit. I've been
arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've
violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building
the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a
bond be posted for the future costs of moving
power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but
they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the
spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save
the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact
study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to
work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah
looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're
not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was
living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and
I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another
Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a
few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah! He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed. I needed a building permit. I've been
arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've
violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building
the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a
bond be posted for the future costs of moving
power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but
they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the
spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save
the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact
study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization is checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to
work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah
looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're
not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
