hardheadjarhead
Senior Master
A few more:
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
------------
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
-------------
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
-----------------
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
----------------
In Germany, the airport servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew. They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route.
This is the account of one such flight in particular...
"Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."
"British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."
"Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."
The tower answered rather huffily, "British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before ?"
"Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop."
-----------
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy..."
------------
A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old Command Sergeant Major and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"
"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we 've always covered our pr***s with leaves."
----------------
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
-----------
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his passions any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, mon Capitain, usually they just use it to ride into town."
--------------
In The US Armor school, the following are definitions, as appropriate, by the different organizations that support the tank:
In the tank gunnery school, you are taught that if your tank could move, and communicate but could not shoot, what you had was a worthless tank.
In the tank propulsion school, you are taught if your tank could shoot, and communicate, but could not move, what you had was a worthless tank.
In the tank communication school, you are taught that if your tank can move, and communicate, but can not shoot, what you have essentially is a 75 ton portable radio.
------------
A very posh British surgeon at a field hospital looks down at at bleeding
and moaning Australian 'digger':
Surgeon: "My God, man! Did you come in here to die!"
Aussie: "No, Sir, I came in here yesterday"
Regards,
Steve
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
------------
During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The Marine replied, "I got my four Sir."
-------------
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
-----------------
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
----------------
In Germany, the airport servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew. They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route.
This is the account of one such flight in particular...
"Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."
"British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."
"Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."
The tower answered rather huffily, "British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before ?"
"Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop."
-----------
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy..."
------------
A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old Command Sergeant Major and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"
"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we 've always covered our pr***s with leaves."
----------------
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"
-----------
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”.
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his passions any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.
"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, mon Capitain, usually they just use it to ride into town."
--------------
In The US Armor school, the following are definitions, as appropriate, by the different organizations that support the tank:
In the tank gunnery school, you are taught that if your tank could move, and communicate but could not shoot, what you had was a worthless tank.
In the tank propulsion school, you are taught if your tank could shoot, and communicate, but could not move, what you had was a worthless tank.
In the tank communication school, you are taught that if your tank can move, and communicate, but can not shoot, what you have essentially is a 75 ton portable radio.
------------
A very posh British surgeon at a field hospital looks down at at bleeding
and moaning Australian 'digger':
Surgeon: "My God, man! Did you come in here to die!"
Aussie: "No, Sir, I came in here yesterday"
Regards,
Steve
