Men's Guide to Women

[Skip Cooper]

A Martian guide to Venetian women (Men Are From Mars...). Guys this is important, put down the remote and pork rinds:


1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of
nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying UP yours.

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

[Shaderon]

*SIGH* Whatever.....

That's ok :EG:

 

[Drac]

I could have used this guide YEARS ago..It would have save me a lot of headaches...

 

[jdinca]

Nice, watch your back. The EM will be knocking on the door at any moment now...

 

[Blindside]

Actually, men do understand this just fine, these sorts of pretend definitions are put out by our agents so we just look insensitive not selfish and self-centered. Answers in Black represent probable course of male action:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
"OK," proceed along pretending you have no idea what this definition really means, after all she said it was "fine," and this lets you do what you wanted to do.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Wait, like you had a choice.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
Ignore the obvious entry point into a discussion, you wouldn't want to concede weakness by opening the conversation, wait until she boils over and act like the stoic male.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
Identical to #1, proceed along pretending you have no idea what this definition really means, after all she said "go ahead," and this lets you do what you wanted to do.

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of
nothing.)
Misunderstood? Yeah right, try intentionally misunderstood, after all she finally shut the hell up.

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Identical to #1 and #3 above, pretend you don't know exactly what this means and you get to do what you want.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.
Reply with "you're welcome" and hope to God this means that later she'll do be willing to do that "special thing" you've been pestering her to try.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying UP yours.
Apparently she is ambivelent about your intended course of action, use #1, #3, and #6 as guidelines.

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
Cripes, its about time, you've been playing intentionally inept for three weeks, "uh, I couldn't find the vacuum cleaner bags; uh, I was going to put those in the black load; uh, I thought the baby looks great in striped pants and the spotted shirt." If you do your job badly enough she we take up the slack, besides this is chick work.

 

[Shaderon]

Blindside, if I were married to you I'd have buried you under the patio by now

 

[LawDog]

Skip Cooper,
I hear these statments when I am on many various calls. Thanks, I now know what they mean.