This subject is incomplete. This email also includes a few notes
for those of us who are not animal lovers. Please note the
instructions for the pets are much longer than the ones for the
non-lovers of pets. You can make your choice. It is a free
country.
To all of you who love your furry children. Thought you'd enjoy
this.
TO: The Family Dog and Cat
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All
other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: Placing a
paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on
it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way).
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object and tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your
inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up
in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me on this one
please. I've been using the bathroom for years . . . canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball
on my crotch, or smack my nose to wake me up, no matter how much
that makes the other family members laugh.
8. DOG: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and
whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a
puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and whimpering only validate
that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
9. CAT: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a
signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most
disgusting hairball in history.
10. DOG AND CAT: The proper order is kiss me, THEN go lick
yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front
door:
RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal; to me, it is an adopted child who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to
train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive
your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you
can sell the results.
for those of us who are not animal lovers. Please note the
instructions for the pets are much longer than the ones for the
non-lovers of pets. You can make your choice. It is a free
country.
To all of you who love your furry children. Thought you'd enjoy
this.
TO: The Family Dog and Cat
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All
other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: Placing a
paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on
it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way).
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object and tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your
inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up
in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me on this one
please. I've been using the bathroom for years . . . canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a
sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball
on my crotch, or smack my nose to wake me up, no matter how much
that makes the other family members laugh.
8. DOG: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and
whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a
puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and whimpering only validate
that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
9. CAT: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a
signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most
disgusting hairball in history.
10. DOG AND CAT: The proper order is kiss me, THEN go lick
yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front
door:
RULES FOR NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal; to me, it is an adopted child who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to
train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive
your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't
worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you
can sell the results.
haha they made me smile 
)
