Joke De Jeur

[MA-Caver]

A martial artist arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted.

St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God to save me, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

Curiosity getting the best of him St. Peter asks: "So what happened next?"

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron, and gave him a spinning round house kick in to the groin. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."
:rofl:

 

[TheRustyOne]

:lol: nice one

 

[MA-Caver]

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife says,"Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Are you sick?"
He said, "No, I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said," Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why, are you sick?"
She said, "No, but if you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.' :rofl:
-------------------

An old man is driving down the freeway when his wife calls him on their (new) cell phone.
Frantic she cries out: "I want you to be careful on the way home! I just saw on the news that there one car driving down the freeway in the wrong lane!"

The old man says: "One car?! Hell, it's all of them!"

 

[MA-Caver]

One for the ladies
Jack was engaged to be married to Jill. The day before the wedding, his
father sat him down for a little chat. "Jack, let me tell you something."

On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and
handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on. So she did and then
told me, 'These are too big, I can't wear them. So I told her, 'Exactly. I
wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night we have never had any problems. "Jack, I think that
might be a good thing to try out."

So on his wedding night, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here,
try these on" She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit
me."

Following the script, Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

In response, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says,
"Here, you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into your
pants."

She replies, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-a** attitude,
you never will!!!" :uhyeah:

 

[KenpoTex]

All of those are good, I really like the first one.

A preacher dies and goes to heaven, when he gets to the pearly gates he finds himself in line behind a rather rough-looking man. This man walks up to St. Peter who asks him: "what did you do down on earth?" The man replied, "I drove a cab in Noo Yawk." St. Peter replied that that was very nice. He handed the man a beautiful silk robe and a golden staff and told him to go in and enjoy himself. Seeing this made the preacher feel very smug so he walked up to the gate. "what did you do for a living?" St. Peter asked. The preacher replied "I was a minister." St. Peter replied, "oh that's very nice" and handed him a plain cotton robe and a wooden staff. "Hold on just a minute!" the man said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful but I was the pastor of the largest church in the city and I only get a cotton robe and a wood staff, whereas that guy was a total dirtbag and he got a silk robe and a gold staff...what gives?" St. Peter smiled and replied, "well you see, up here we base things on results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove people prayed."

 

[MA-Caver]

good one kenpotex... hope others will share thiers as well...

ok here's a story...

A native american boy wandered around his village. He was downcast and depressed and was moping around by his lonesome. The chief was outside his teepee noticed the sad boy and called him over and invited him to sit with him for a while.
"what is the problem my son?" the chief asked gently
The boy was silent for a moment then looked up at the chief and asked..."Oh great father of our tribe, tell me how do the people of our village get their names?"
The chief nodded slowly in understanding and spoke thus:
"My son, when the people of our great tribe are born it is the custom of our fathers to step out of their teepees and look out onto nature from where we came and the first living thing that we see gives the child their names; for example: when your father was born, your grandfather stepped out of his teepee and the first thing he saw was an elk running through the forest... therefore your father's name is 'Running Elk'. When I was born, my father stepped out of his teepee and looked into the everlasting sky and saw an eagle there...therefore I am called 'Soaring Eagle'. When your mother was born her father stepped out of his teepee and happened to look into the trees and there he saw an owl, so your mother is called 'Spotted Owl'.
So now you know how the people of our great tribe receive their names. Go now and ponder this matter no further 'Two Dogs Screwing'."

 

[KenpoTex]

Lmao!

 

[MA-Caver]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards him; and then, lo and behold,
she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business; I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was
the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was
going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I
use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about male sexuality."
"Really?" he said. What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent. I have, however, found that the
best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name.
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."

 

[Taimishu]

A great fan of the old west decided to have a mural painted on his front room wall depicting Custers last words.

So he asks a famous artist to do one while he is on holiday.

When he comes back from holiday he enters the room and sees the whole wall covered in what looked like the american indian Karma Sutra.

Outraged he asked the artist "what have you done I wanted Custers last words"

The artist answered I did, wernt Custers last words "look at all those f******g indians"?

David

 

[KenpoTex]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lool: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[MA-Caver]

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

Halfway through the trip, the mother-in-law dies. So the guy goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it'll cost $5,000. Or, they can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.00.

"We'll ship her home," says the son-in-law.

"Are you sure?" asks the Undertaker. "That's an awfully big expense. And I can assure you that we do a very nice burial here"

"Look," says the son-in-law, "two thousand years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[Seig]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards him; and then, lo and behold,
she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business; I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was
the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was
going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I
use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about male sexuality."
"Really?" he said. What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent. I have, however, found that the
best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name.
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends all call me Bubba."

Another myth about us Southern Redneck Jews debunked....

 

[Seig]

Two Marines walked into a bar. One looked at the other and said, "Damn, that hurt!"

*************************************************
Two Southern Belles were sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade. One looked at the other and asked, "How was your trip to New York?" The other woman looked at her and said,"I saw and experienced things you just would not believe. For example, did you know that there are men that have relationships with other men and that they are called 'Gay'?"
"NO!" exclaimed the first woman.
"Yes," said the second woman, " and there are women that have relationships with other women and they are called 'Lesbians'". "You don't say!" exclaimed the first woman.
"Yes, I do say," said the second, "and there are men that will lick a woman down there too!" "Really," asked the first woman, "and what do you call them?"
"I called him 'precious'" answered the second woman.
***********************************************
More later......

 

[MA-Caver]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk
into a pub together. They each buy a pint of beer.
Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy
beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets
stuck in the head. The Englishman pushes his beer
away in disgust, and orders another one.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and
continues drinking as if nothing happened. The
Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then
holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit
it out, you b@stard!"
:cheers:

 

[MA-Caver]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in trouble now!" Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around.

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away. "Whew, says the leopard,"that was close. that dachshund nearly had me.

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole thing from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes. But the dachshund sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my
back and see what is going to happpen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, what am I going to do now??

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending, he hasn't seen them yet....and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says........

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

[KenpoTex]

:lool:

 

[MA-Caver]

From the mouth of babes:
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the
back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at a public pool and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs,
unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he
gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

 

[MA-Caver]

Cell phones and men's restrooms
--------------------------------
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,"Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously.............

"Listen honey, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions!

 

[MA-Caver]

Written by a woman, modified and still just as cute/funny whatever!
------------------------------------------------------------------
The other night I was late from my MA class, I called and told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the after practice drinks with the rest of the girls went down way too easy. Around 3 AM, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and
I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got
away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh s***," cuckooed four more times, cleared
it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

[MA-Caver]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2
hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop
full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill,
follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while
later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks
up, tears in his eyes from laughing and says, "Your house
--------------------------------------------------------

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you. " So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Confused Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A. M. , drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door. "
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married .
---------------------------------
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit.
------------------------------
Mixed emotions is seeing a Greyhound bus of lawyers going over a 500 ft cliff----with one empty seat. . .
-------------------------------
Teacher in 3rd grade was asking the classroom what does your fater do? Bobby said my father is a train engineer, he drives the train, Mary said her father was a doctor and made sick people well, this went on until the teacher got to Chucky and he said I ain't telling, teacher was surprised and after repeated attempt he still would not tell. Teacher takes Chucky to the principal and principal ask what does your father do, Ain't telling I'm ashamed. Principle assures him no one else will know if he tells, so Chucky says " HE EATS LIGHTBULBS", confused the principal How do you know he eats lightbulbs? He looks at the principal and said he was passing his mom and dad's room and he hear his daddy say "If you turn out the light I'LL EAT IT'. .
-------------------------------
When God was handing out attributes and talents to Man and Woman, He said, "I only have two things left to give out. The first is the ability to pee while standing up, and. . .

" The man interupted hastily, "Ooh Me! Me! I really want that one!" "OK. " said God, and turning to the Woman said, "I guess you get what's left. . . multiple orgasms.