I agree with this, and like Bill, I have a so-called commuter marriage. My wife and I live 801 miles apart, and yet in another sense are as close as two people can be.
Is Monogamy Realistic?
- Thread starter Jade Tigress
- Start date
I agree with this, and like Bill, I have a so-called commuter marriage. My wife and I live 801 miles apart, and yet in another sense are as close as two people can be.
I also have an 800-mile commuter marriage. Michigan to North Carolina. We talk on the phone every night for an hour and she comes up here twice a year, I go home twice a year. One of my coworkers laughed when I told him and said he lives with his wife and doesn't talk to her for an hour a night. Different strokes and all, I guess.
One lesson I learned about commuter marriages: Better the right person there part of the time than the wrong person there all of the time.
A fellow faculty member who specializes in human relations also told my wife that we have more interactions than many who live under the same roof full time.
A fellow faculty member who specializes in human relations also told my wife that we have more interactions than many who live under the same roof full time.
David43515
Master Black Belt
I knew a guy who was in a committed relationship with 5 women. They all lived under the same roof and wouldn`t have it any other way. They even invited me to join them. But it`s deffinately not my thing.
I love my wife. Singular. And I really wouldn`t want anyone else.
I love my wife. Singular. And I really wouldn`t want anyone else.
My gf was doing a lot of research into this (polyamory) for a little while and I basically nipped it in the bud by telling her that she's interested in that she can find someone else. I would not stand for her being in someone else's arms or being in love with someone else while she is (supposedly) in love with me... that is just screwed up thinking IMO.
I was raised in a monogamous household and have seen the benefits of a monogamous relationship and am in a monogamous relationship right now.
Polyamory is basically going to be one of the downfalls morally of this country if it keeps up. Just speaking my own personal beliefs and hope that I won't get attacked for it... disagreed upon I can live with.
I can foresee that a polyamory relationship breaking down a lot sooner than a monogamous relationship over a long term. You CANNOT be with someone without some kind of emotional investment getting in the way... it just won't work. Just like in that movie 9 1/2 weeks both were just committed to a purely sexual relationship but ended up falling in love (and getting their hearts broken because they kept their bargain) in the end.
Plus think about your love being in the arms of another and not calling it an affair? Plus think about your love being in the arms of another and actually calling what YOU have love?
I'm afraid it isn't... no matter how you slice it.
Many animals have more than one mate... but they're animals ... we're not.
To me it's just one way of having a lover while married and not getting into trouble for it with the spouse.
Financially? Yeah right... you want to share YOUR hard earned dollars with someone else? Selfish? Maybe but if they go spending something for THEMSELVES they'll need to prove it came from THEIR paycheck and not out of yours right? A lot more headache than it's worth.
IMO it's immoral and it's stupid.
Historically, polygamy has been one man with several women. It made sense in some cultures and periods as it allowed women to have financial security and protection and it allowed resource rich men to have the pubic status and private 'spice' of several sexual partners.
For myself, I can understand why people have affairs and the statistics show that many do - indeed, to my shame, in my younger days I have been the 'other man' when women were seeking escape and solace when their marriages seemed to be failing. I don't want to give the impression that this was a common occurence - it just happened more than once and only in one case did I know beforehand that the lady was married. But even then, I was under no illusions as to my 'role'. I was no more than an avenue for them to test whether their 'real' relationship meant anything to them or not.
My own opinion and the one that I have made known to every woman who has been in my life is that, whilst I might not expect them to have an affair, I am realistic enough to know that, at least once, they may be tempted. If they are, all I ask is that I don't know about it - no 'crisis of honesty' that causes them to tell all and make a wound that will fester for ever. For understanding something intellectually and accepting it emotionally are two very different things.
For myself, I can understand why people have affairs and the statistics show that many do - indeed, to my shame, in my younger days I have been the 'other man' when women were seeking escape and solace when their marriages seemed to be failing. I don't want to give the impression that this was a common occurence - it just happened more than once and only in one case did I know beforehand that the lady was married. But even then, I was under no illusions as to my 'role'. I was no more than an avenue for them to test whether their 'real' relationship meant anything to them or not.
My own opinion and the one that I have made known to every woman who has been in my life is that, whilst I might not expect them to have an affair, I am realistic enough to know that, at least once, they may be tempted. If they are, all I ask is that I don't know about it - no 'crisis of honesty' that causes them to tell all and make a wound that will fester for ever. For understanding something intellectually and accepting it emotionally are two very different things.
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Omar B
Senior Master
Sukerin! You telling me that story reminded me of something from in my late teens.
I was working in Long Island and living in Queens taking the Long Island Rail Road home every night. Unlike the MTA subway, the LIRR at night sometime takes a half an hour between trains. So there I was sitting on a bench and got into a conversation with these 2 girls waiting on the train. They were in town from Boston for the weekend partying. So I gave them my number. Turned out they were staying just 1 train stop away from where I live.
They called me the next night and met me at the train station. We hang out at a bar near my place then go home. One of them came home with me. Next morning talking I get to find out, she's married! Imagine how awful I felt, some husband in Boston thinks his wife's in NY with her sister for the weekend and what's she doing?
I was working in Long Island and living in Queens taking the Long Island Rail Road home every night. Unlike the MTA subway, the LIRR at night sometime takes a half an hour between trains. So there I was sitting on a bench and got into a conversation with these 2 girls waiting on the train. They were in town from Boston for the weekend partying. So I gave them my number. Turned out they were staying just 1 train stop away from where I live.
They called me the next night and met me at the train station. We hang out at a bar near my place then go home. One of them came home with me. Next morning talking I get to find out, she's married! Imagine how awful I felt, some husband in Boston thinks his wife's in NY with her sister for the weekend and what's she doing?
Yes, monogamy is realistic, I have been married for over four years and I'm completely fulfilled with my wife and my wife alone. I have no desire to stray, no desire to have another or swing or any of that. One man, one woman, together is very realistic and practical and really the way to go.
mook jong man
Senior Master
I'm pushing the proverbial up hill now just trying to remember one bloody anniversary.
If there were several to keep track of I'd have no hope.
If there were several to keep track of I'd have no hope.
Bruno@MT
Senior Master
Freudian slip of the tongue?
Additionally, in some cultures, a high mortality rate among men may have had to do with it as well. Society as a whole then needed to adapt to come up with a role for the surplus of women.
OP
OP
Polygamy and polyamory are a bit different. They don't want another spouse, or multiple spouses, they want to be *committed* to their spouse with the freedom to have a sexual and emotional relationship with other people.
Many, many people have affairs. Short term affairs and long term affairs. It's basically polyamory kept secret.
For the record, I believe in monogamy. People who believe in polyamory believe jealousy is a sign of weakness in a relationship and something that must be overcome. (I personally know someone who believes in polyamory and that's what he told me).
I believe some jealousy in a relationship is healthy and normal. Not over the top out of control jealousy, which can be equally damaging as having no jealousy. But to me, jealousy means you care about that person. You're not jealous if you don't care.
The guy in article, *Mark*, stated it does not bother him to see his wife with other men but he also stated it was odd to see. If you really care about someone you will feel jealousy if they are with someone else on a romantic level. I think the polyamorous crowd just denies and suppresses their feelings of jealousy.
My polyamorous friend told me about his first long time girlfriend. They were in an open relationship and he told me about having to overcome his feelings of jealousy, he said it like experiencing jealousy was a low intelligence distasteful thing. I can't remember his exact words but they believe that monogamy and jealousy is unevolved and polyamory is the higher level of existence.
Interestingly, he and his girlfriend broke up after 8 years, the open relationship finally took it's toll and I know he's sorry because of the way he talks about it. BUT, he STILL believes in polyamory and has been searching for another open relationship since he lost his last girlfriend.
Many, many people have affairs. Short term affairs and long term affairs. It's basically polyamory kept secret.
For the record, I believe in monogamy. People who believe in polyamory believe jealousy is a sign of weakness in a relationship and something that must be overcome. (I personally know someone who believes in polyamory and that's what he told me).
I believe some jealousy in a relationship is healthy and normal. Not over the top out of control jealousy, which can be equally damaging as having no jealousy. But to me, jealousy means you care about that person. You're not jealous if you don't care.
The guy in article, *Mark*, stated it does not bother him to see his wife with other men but he also stated it was odd to see. If you really care about someone you will feel jealousy if they are with someone else on a romantic level. I think the polyamorous crowd just denies and suppresses their feelings of jealousy.
My polyamorous friend told me about his first long time girlfriend. They were in an open relationship and he told me about having to overcome his feelings of jealousy, he said it like experiencing jealousy was a low intelligence distasteful thing. I can't remember his exact words but they believe that monogamy and jealousy is unevolved and polyamory is the higher level of existence.
Interestingly, he and his girlfriend broke up after 8 years, the open relationship finally took it's toll and I know he's sorry because of the way he talks about it. BUT, he STILL believes in polyamory and has been searching for another open relationship since he lost his last girlfriend.
Definition of PMS: The few days each month when a woman acts like a man acts ALL the time. (don't blame me; I didn't make it up)
Good points!
I know some people, who think its odd or wrong, for you to go out with the opposite sex, without your significant other. So, in other words, for me to go out, socially, for lunch, for example, alone, without my wife, that means I'm up to no good, cheating, whatever. I call BS on that, and IMO, those people need to snap back to the present time and most importantly, mind their own business. Just because those people have an issue with it, doesnt make it right for them to question what I'm doing, involve themselves with what I'm doing or wonder how my wife feels about it. Personally, I think I know my wife better than they, so enough said. As I said in other posts, if this is what someone wants to do, well, whatever floats their boat. As long as both parties involved are ok with it. Would my wife approve of me having a casual sexual relationship with someone else? I'd be lying if I said yes.
I'm happy, she's happy, and hopefully we'll grow old together.
There is a difference. Many people have affairs, but most people state that they do not think affairs are a good thing. In other words, like cheating on taxes or running stop signs or failing to pull over for a fire truck, people do it, but if you ask them, they deny doing it and also claim it is a bad thing that others do it. Polyamorous people don't just hide affairs, they claim it is morally acceptable to do so. Many polyamorous people 'hide' just like those who merely cheat - but they may choose to hide from a spouse or from the rest of their family or from the world at large.
One argument that has been persistently used in arguing for polyamory is that since so many people cheat in relationships, it must be our natural state or proclivity. In other words, we are going to do it, so what's the big deal about accepting that we do it?
Perhaps it is natural for humans not to mate for life or not to mate exclusively with one partner at a time. However, for our social structure to continue to exist in its present form, it appears to be one of the pillars that keeps our society working. If this structure is to be abandoned, one might consider what other structures will be lost along with this one.
OP
OP
Good points!
Yep, that's BS. The key is a romantic involvement. I have many male FRIENDS. They are like brothers to me. There is one guy I know who I am very close too. He is my brother from another mother. I am also very good friends with his wife. One day last summer my friend and I ran to the store together. His wife had a fit because we were alone in the car together. THIS WOMAN KNOWS ME AND CALLS ME HER FRIEND. She knows her husband would never cheat on her. I was offended at her implication, but I also know she is a very insecure person. I just expected her to trust her husband and her friend. Her husband is the most true blue guy I know.
You make good points Bill. My point is that a person having an affair is in an emotional as well as sexual relationship with someone other than their spouse. They are romantically loving more than one person. That is polyamory. They know their spouse won't accept it so they hide it. It's polyamory in secret. It's different than casual sex cheating. A one night stand somewhere. I'm talking about affairs.
Polyamory is like having an affair out in the open, not having to hide it because the spouse is fine with the affair and can have an affair of their own without recourse if they so choose.
People having an affair know it's not a good thing because they know it will damage their primary relationship. In a polyamorous relationship the parties involved claim it does not damage the primary relationship, therefore, it is not kept secret.
At this point, I rather suspect enough else is crumbling that we'll be too busy to notice when this one does too.
