How to piss off Telemarketers

[Sarah]

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

19. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

 

[Tgace]

Have soundboards like this handy on the computer.

http://www.theflashgames.com/homer_simpson_soundboard-swf.html
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/michaeljackson-sb.html
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=8704

 

[OUMoose]

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

Works even better if the telemarketer is also male.

 

[Sam]

LOL! too funny, moose.

my favorite thing to do to them is just start speaking spanish til they hang up.

Lo siento, yo no hablo inglis. Tu hablas espanol? No comprende. No comprende. No comprende. espanol? adios!

 

[Shaolinwind]

I am guilty of serious telemarketer abuse. I give them a chance, when I say I am not interested and they don't go away, they become fair game. Same with pushy booth vendors at the mall. "Would you like me to tell you about product x?" "No, but I'm sure you're going to anyway.".

 

[Deuce]

I have a buddy who convinced a telemarketer to say the Lord's Prayer with him over the phone before he would let them say anything. They said it from start to finish, and then my buddy just said he wasn't interested and hung up.

 

[Drifter]

I have a buddy who convinced a telemarketer to say the Lord's Prayer with him over the phone before he would let them say anything. They said it from start to finish, and then my buddy just said he wasn't interested and hung up.

 

[Rich Parsons]

I used to ask them for their home phone so I could call them when I was ready to talk at 3:30 AM :eg:

I also would ask them where they work and or live. This way I can stop by and say hi, and let them know how the product is working out.

 

[kid]

how about jahova's witnesses? One day i looked out the window and seen two people coming up the driveway one was holding a bible. I told my younger brother that someone was at the door wanting to talk to him. Remember this, my brother during this time would call the operator because he was bored and would just talk to them. So he answers the door and i am around the corner listening. These people tell him what they are doing. " We are going door to door in the neiborhood telling families about our religion and handing out bibles. Are your parents or older brothers or sisters around?" So he tells them what he has been doing. "You know the yellow thing inside the door knob that makes it click? In this video game i was a turtle that had swords. Do you eat food? Our chairs slide on the carpet. This is my dog her name is coco." this went on for about 15 to 20 minutes with them hardly getting a peep in. finnally when my brother was patiently waiting for a response for what he had told and asked them they gave him the bible and left never to return. I wonder if they heard me snickering around the corner?


Kid

 

[Gary Crawford]

I usually tell em " You know,if the best job I could get was telemarketing,I'd cut my own throat!" then hang up.

 

[dubljay]

My personal favorite is to set the reciever down, go make a sandwich, come back and say "oh im sorry i wasnt paying attention, could you tell me again about XYZ?" Then set the reciver down and go for a walk.

Another fun one is for the credit cards, though I dont get calls for those anymore, thank goodness. For the credit card i would let them go through their spiel and at the end when they say "do you have any questions?" i would ask "do you have to be 18 to be approved?" Ohhh they didnt like that.

The most absolute fastest way to get a telemarketer off the phone without being rude in any way is to tell them that the call is being recorded. They hang up lightning fast.

-Josh

 

[Bob Hubbard]

I had some JW's show up once. They wanted to talk, so we talked.
I sat em down, pulled out a whiteboard and proceded to give them the Amway marketing speel. Sadly they didn't sign up, but it was fun.

I like to tell the political callers that I prefer to vote for folks who do honest work for a living.

 

[kid]

lol! Thats great. I don't understand JW's; Don't they beleive that only so many people are allowed in heaven? If thats true why are they trying to recruit more people to their religion? Doesn't that lessen their chances?


kid

I had some JW's show up once. They wanted to talk, so we talked.
I sat em down, pulled out a whiteboard and proceded to give them the Amway marketing speel. Sadly they didn't sign up, but it was fun.

I like to tell the political callers that I prefer to vote for folks who do honest work for a living.

 

[OUMoose]

lol! Thats great. I don't understand JW's; Don't they beleive that only so many people are allowed in heaven? If thats true why are they trying to recruit more people to their religion? Doesn't that lessen their chances?


kid

Jehovah's Witnesses—Who Are They? What Do They Believe? Not a straight answer in the whole thing, but I didn't really expect anything less.

 

[kid]

Jehovah's Witnesses—Who Are They? What Do They Believe? Not a straight answer in the whole thing, but I didn't really expect anything less.

So according to them we inherit our for fathers sins? Thats ridiculous, if that were true satan would have to put in an express lane or a drive through. They beleive in jesus right he died for us, for our sins, or so it says well how can we inherite sins that have been forgiven. Or have they been forgiven? A god that holds a grudge. hmmm. I guess this is a topic for another thread. I'm not a thread starter but i will participate in one if it is begun.


Kid



kid

 

[someguy]

My sister moved away to get married a while back. Telemarketers still call and ask for her. One day way too early in the morning for me a telemarketer called. I responded with my usual "She no longer lives here have a nice day bye” response. The only thing is I was kind of annoyed and said it rather sharply by accident.
That was the only time a telemarketer has ever apologized to me for calling. They thought they really screwed up.

 

[Silat Student]

A buddy of mine (who has a cordless phone) picks up the handset and holds it very near the base while the speaker phone is on. Suprisingly one telemarketer held out for two minutes before the feedback made 'em hang up. Another fun thing to do is use different personalities on them, my favorites are:

Drunken Scotch/Irishman (make sure to tout your favorite brand of booze the entire call)

Newly Arrived Immigrant (the broken english makes for interesting times)

Gushing Gossip (make up lots of interesting stories about your neighbors and relay them all in an over the top energetic tone)

Burglar (requires a little will power to keep from busting out laughing)

Investigating LEO (in case the same TM calls back again)

Irate Southerner (This is my natural state when a TM calls but for the rest of you it would be an act

These are just a few that myself and my friends have tried.

 

[ppko]

I personally like to tell them that the person has just died

 

[Croxley]

Friend of mine used to be a buyer for the company he worked for, and if the salesperson wasn't up to scratch he'd always teach 'em a lesson. So one day a telemarketer calls him at home- double glazing or something. My mate was bored and so said to the guy on the phone, "Sure, come round tomorrow evening and show me the presentation".

Next evening the poor guy spent about 2 hours doing his presentation, handling objections, all those things they teach you in Telemarketing for Dummies, and goes for the close.... "So when can we install" or some such.

My mate says "Sorry not interested in buying"

At which the sales guy freaks and rants about wasting his time, then my mate said "But you didn't establish if I wanted to buy your <double glazing or whatever>, I just told you I was interested in learning about it! Thanks for telling me all about it, Good Night"

 

[deadhand31]

There are two ways I liked to screw with telemarketers before I had my number put on the Wisconsin Do-not-call database. I had recorded myself on my computer making a rather flamboyant voice making moans and groans which might be normally heard during a certain biological act. I put the file on my computer's desktop, since my comp is on from morning to night, and clicked on it the second I realized it was a telemarketer. They didn't take that one too well, since I liked to sound interested.

The other way was strictly for credit card telemarketers. I would scream out "CREDIT CARDS ARE THE WORK OF THE DEVIL! THEY'RE MADE SO WE BUY WORLDLY GOODS! YOU CAN'T BUY A BIBLE WITH A CREDIT CARD, DID YOU KNOW THAT? EITHER THE REGISTER WILL JAM OR BURST INTO FLAMES!!!!!" at which point, they would go into their "If you'd like more information....." at which point i would scream "SAVE YOUR SOUL!!!!" and hang up.