Helping a depressed or suicidal friend

[Ella]

I'm not exactly sure what forum this goes in, so I apologize if this was an incorrect guess.

One of my friends has been having a real time of it lately - unfortunately, we live thousands of miles away from each other, so we're restricted to phone or snail mail these days. I'm worried for him, but I don't really know how I can best help him.

I always was particularly pleased to recieve hand written letters. It made me feel loved that someone cared about me enough to take the time with actual paper and pen. He might not even notice, but I'll try anything. I sent him
this quote (printed)

and a letter;

S,
I found this poem tonight and I think its something we would both do well to remember. You are an amazing person and you deserve to be happy. The world is a better place because you are in it, and I want you to remember that.
You have such a big heart and so much love to share. You're incredibly gifted [at your job]. Your passion for it is exceeded only by the number of people whose lives you've touched in your short life. Your unique views on life never fail to make me examine my own beliefs - and that's definitely a good thing.
You have a great sense of humor - and because of that people love to be around you - it's just part of your vibe. You have a way of taking the mundane and routine and giving it your own flavor.
Your inner strength is unparalleled - you've already dealt with more sorrow than most do in a lifetime, and still, you've come out on top. I have NO DOUBT that with your courage, you'll take over the world - your way.
I consider you my best friend, and, on more than one occassion, you were the only reason I didn't attempt suicide.
Your unconditional love - I don't know what to say other than I honestly believe experiencing it is going to be the ONE most important thing which will help me grow into a stable, happy woman.
You TRULY are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON in every way.
I love you, S
Ella

If any one has ever been in a similar situation, or even if not, most (if not all) of you have more life experience than me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want him to know that I love him and that I'm there for him - is there anything else I can do? Anything else I can say? I would be devistated to lose him.

 

[Drac]

If any one has ever been in a similar situation, or even if not, most (if not all) of you have more life experience than me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want him to know that I love him and that I'm there for him - is there anything else I can do? Anything else I can say? I would be devistated to lose him.

Yes Ella, I've been there and been the one needing help at one dark point in my life..I was lucky as those I knew in need of help lived very close and I would FORCE them to go out me as they forced me out with them..A suicide threat is a call for help..The letters and phone calls are great, keep them coming..If the tone of their responses gets darker and you feel they have taken a turn for the worse contact local law enforcement..It may sound harsh but it might make difference in your friends life..

 

[MJS]

As Drac said, the letters, calls, etc., are a very good start. Does your friend have any family members or other friends that are closer, where he lives? If so, it may be a good idea to try to contact them, explain the situation, and perhaps they can do something on their end.

Good luck with all of this.

Mike

 

[Kacey]

Ella, that's always a rough issue to deal with. Here's something I posted elsewhere on the same topic (I'm a special ed teacher and a guidance counselor, so I'm not just pulling this out of a hat) - so some it may not quite apply, because I copied the whole post:

First - make sure you are there for your friend to talk to. Suicides often come in waves - the first will trigger several others, often in friends of the first person.

Second - call friend's parents, siblings, or any of his friends that you know in the area. This cannot be stressed enough - people nearby need to know, so they know what to look out for - no matter what your friend has to say on the matter. Suicide is one of those dirty little secrets that often get swept under the rug. Also, suicide attempts, like eating disorders and mood disorders (depression, conduct disorders, etc.), are often expressions of a systems issue that affect the whole family.

Third - Suicide attempts are a cry for help (I don't know if it's gone this far - but better to intervene sooner if you can - and it's never too late to try to help). Find any way you can to reach out to your friend. Help him find support in the community, through his school if he's in college, and through community mental health services. Community mental health programs should be able to direct you to additional resources, as should your friend's doctor.

Suicide is generally an expression of depression - and depression can be treated. Here are some key indicators of depression:

–Changes in appetite or weight
–Insomnia or hypersomnia
–Psychomotor agitation or retardation
–Fatigue and decreased energy
–Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
–Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
–Recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation or plans or attempts

If you have seen any of these signs in your friend, then it is even more vital that he see a doctor.

Please keep us up on how your friend is doing.

 

[MA-Caver]

In my history of working with and experiencing suicides I've learned that there are three types of suicides.

A. The ones who will tell anyone and everyone that they want to die and that they're going to kill themselves. This is, as Drac observed a call for help. A means of saying "please pay attention to me and my problem!" They may make a half hearted attempt but either will stop at the last moment or do so in effect that they only injured themselves or made themselves really sick. A young gal I know tried swallowing a whole bottle (500 tabs) of aspirins in her attempt... and just threw it all back up and was sick for a couple of days. In my own experience 99% of these types don't go through with it because they've not the courage to do it... believe me it takes a lot of guts to take your life. Listen to them all the same and talk them out of it... some are stupid enough to do something stupid and accidentally take their life when they really didn't mean to.

B. These ones will tell a select few that they want to die and will take their own lives ... if no-one listens or makes a move to help. These people are definitely determined to kill themselves and most of the time they will succeed. These definitely need strict attention and need the heaviest counseling or a long talk with a close friend/confidant. Working a suicide hotline once I talked a fella out of vehicular suicide (he wanted to drive 90 mph into a bridge support) just by being there and listening to him when no-one else would. Mainly he thought there was no other option to his dilemma. The irony of that word shouldn't be escaped. My base answer to most of these was/is "God doesn't give you anything He knows you can't handle... are you saying you're smarter than God?" But of course if they're atheists ... well there are other ways around that too.

C. These are the ones that no-one can do absolutely anything about... mainly because they've already done it. They will speak to no-one about their plans nor give any outward indication that they may take their own life. They may be withdrawn or reserved or quiet but not so that someone's alarms goes off. Nothing is seemingly wrong with their life, job, relationship, etc. but they got something going on inside... they're not telling. Recently a close friend of mine was one of these. Nobody had an idea that she would actually take her life. It was only afterwards that her "secret life" was discovered. Point is she just did it.. no note, no last phone call to say goodbye... nothing. We can only mourn them afterwards however we may mourn, and take care of the survivors.

There are those who suicide nobly in their efforts to save others; i.e. soldiers falling on live grenades, LEO's putting themselves in the line of fire of unarmed citizens, fire-fighters rushing in to make sure everyone is evac-ed out of a burning building and so forth... But these are of course unintentional suicides. If they were asked they would probably prefer to be among the living.

Suicide is a selfish act to be sure. It's a blind "last minute desperate solution" to a seemingly hopeless problem. If you know of someone who talks of it... hear them out. Maybe their problem seems like "nothing" to you but it's a big deal to them. And never, NEVER-EVER compare your problem to theirs. At that moment they couldn't give two ***** about your (or anyone else's) problem. So keep that in mind.
Remind them that they're loved, remind them that they're just as important to you as you are to them. Be there, be human and be kind. A call for help is the same as if it were coming from you.

 

[Hawke]

Greetings Ella,

Hope things are getting better with your friend.

Here's a website that might be helpful:
http://suicidal.com/helping/

In Peace and Grace.

 

[Ella]

Thanks for the replies. He seems to be feeling better lately, though still not great. One of my friends who IS in town told me that the letter I wrote him is on his fridge! wow! I can't believe it!

I told one of our mutual friends in town to keep an eye out on him cuz he seemed down to me... I didn't tell him the extent, but either way, he seems more cheerful on average. I'm still worried for him, though...

 

[Drac]

Thanks for the replies. He seems to be feeling better lately, though still not great. One of my friends who IS in town told me that the letter I wrote him is on his fridge! wow! I can't believe it!

Sometime the simplist gestures that come from the heart have the most profound effect...

 

[Kacey]

Thanks for the replies. He seems to be feeling better lately, though still not great. One of my friends who IS in town told me that the letter I wrote him is on his fridge! wow! I can't believe it!

I told one of our mutual friends in town to keep an eye out on him cuz he seemed down to me... I didn't tell him the extent, but either way, he seems more cheerful on average. I'm still worried for him, though...

It sounds like you're doing the best you can from a distance - hopefully, the friends you contact will be as good a friend as you are.