Cruentus
Grandmaster
Ceicei... Where exactly do you work? Are you a psychologist working in a hospital?
I am just trying to figure out how you are in contact with "clients" who threaten violence towards you. Where you work and the nature of your job makes all the difference in how the situation can be handled.
Regardless; if your in a dangerous job of some sort, you need to keep a complete seperation between you at home and you at work. This means that the you at home has an unlisted phone number and address. This means that the you at work is only you at work; doesn't have a family, friends, or anywhere to go. I have worked jobs before where there could have been some level of danger for me or my family. So, I never told anyone I was married (except other supervisors, but no one I was supervising) or anything about my personal life, or even what town I lived in. I people knew about me was the "Paul" I presented while on the job. People simply shouldn't be able to get a hold of you easily. You have to do this as best as you can.
Now that he has your number, I suggest only using cell phones and keeping your home phone only for messages and emergancies. I would shut off the ringer even. Use the answering machine for tracking and screening purposes. Someone made a good and accurate suggestion, which was to get a second line and leave that line open to screen. I say follow that advice (but again, now a days it is better to do this with cell phones).
Also, I am in agreement that you have to cut off all contact with someone who is stalking/threatnening you. The sympathetic response is to say that "maybe he just needs to talk" and that "ignoring him will only make things worse." I disagree for most cases. By communicating with him in any way, you reward the bad behavior, and it will make it that much more difficult to get your stalker to back off. It may take him 2,000 phone calls before he finally gives up. But, if after the 1,000th phone call, you finally pick up and curse him out, you just rewarded him with a response. You will have to start all over, except this time it might take 2,500 calls of no results before he gives up. If after the 1,000th call, a private investigator visits him or he gets a restraining order in the mail, consider that contact and reward (although negative), but now he's more fustrated. So perhaps it'll be 4,000 more phone calls you'll have to put up with. And so on.
So, you can't reward this person with contact of any kind, because it will only escalate more contact. In my example, we are talking about phone calls, but we all know that could escalate to something worse.
Furthermore, don't think that by giving this person sympathy by allowing him "just to talk" or "just to vent" is going to help. There are exceptions, but generally this will make things far worse. This is because the person is obviously not psychologically right, and therefore his expectations will most probably be be completely unreasonable. Since you cannot fullfill his expectations, you will only escalate and aggravate the situation, potentially leading it to violence. So if for example, his expectations are that you'll leave your husband and move to South America with him, you letting him vent will only make him think that if he is persistant enough, that his expectations will be met. He may think that you obviously really want to fullfill his expectations because of all the attention your giving him. And, keep in mind that this person's expectations may change from day to day as well, making it really impossible and unreasonable for you to meet them. All communicating with this person will do, no matter how well meaning, will reward his bad behavior, and tell him that if he is persistent enough, he will get what he wants.
Remember, this is a person who has already demonstrated that he has no respect to your rights as a human being. You can't reasonably expect that he will all of a sudden start respecting your rights and wishes just because you decided to have a conversation with him. You can only expect that communication will make things worse.
This is the case for most situations, at least.
I am just trying to figure out how you are in contact with "clients" who threaten violence towards you. Where you work and the nature of your job makes all the difference in how the situation can be handled.
Regardless; if your in a dangerous job of some sort, you need to keep a complete seperation between you at home and you at work. This means that the you at home has an unlisted phone number and address. This means that the you at work is only you at work; doesn't have a family, friends, or anywhere to go. I have worked jobs before where there could have been some level of danger for me or my family. So, I never told anyone I was married (except other supervisors, but no one I was supervising) or anything about my personal life, or even what town I lived in. I people knew about me was the "Paul" I presented while on the job. People simply shouldn't be able to get a hold of you easily. You have to do this as best as you can.
Now that he has your number, I suggest only using cell phones and keeping your home phone only for messages and emergancies. I would shut off the ringer even. Use the answering machine for tracking and screening purposes. Someone made a good and accurate suggestion, which was to get a second line and leave that line open to screen. I say follow that advice (but again, now a days it is better to do this with cell phones).
Also, I am in agreement that you have to cut off all contact with someone who is stalking/threatnening you. The sympathetic response is to say that "maybe he just needs to talk" and that "ignoring him will only make things worse." I disagree for most cases. By communicating with him in any way, you reward the bad behavior, and it will make it that much more difficult to get your stalker to back off. It may take him 2,000 phone calls before he finally gives up. But, if after the 1,000th phone call, you finally pick up and curse him out, you just rewarded him with a response. You will have to start all over, except this time it might take 2,500 calls of no results before he gives up. If after the 1,000th call, a private investigator visits him or he gets a restraining order in the mail, consider that contact and reward (although negative), but now he's more fustrated. So perhaps it'll be 4,000 more phone calls you'll have to put up with. And so on.
So, you can't reward this person with contact of any kind, because it will only escalate more contact. In my example, we are talking about phone calls, but we all know that could escalate to something worse.
Furthermore, don't think that by giving this person sympathy by allowing him "just to talk" or "just to vent" is going to help. There are exceptions, but generally this will make things far worse. This is because the person is obviously not psychologically right, and therefore his expectations will most probably be be completely unreasonable. Since you cannot fullfill his expectations, you will only escalate and aggravate the situation, potentially leading it to violence. So if for example, his expectations are that you'll leave your husband and move to South America with him, you letting him vent will only make him think that if he is persistant enough, that his expectations will be met. He may think that you obviously really want to fullfill his expectations because of all the attention your giving him. And, keep in mind that this person's expectations may change from day to day as well, making it really impossible and unreasonable for you to meet them. All communicating with this person will do, no matter how well meaning, will reward his bad behavior, and tell him that if he is persistent enough, he will get what he wants.
Remember, this is a person who has already demonstrated that he has no respect to your rights as a human being. You can't reasonably expect that he will all of a sudden start respecting your rights and wishes just because you decided to have a conversation with him. You can only expect that communication will make things worse.
This is the case for most situations, at least.
