Grappling with PTSD

[Flea]

I got it again last night.

It didn't help that the night before some dolt messed with me on the street, and so I had spent much of the day cruising a particular neighborhood looking for houses up for sale. In other words, I had been in a fearful place for the past 18 hours or so.

We were working with arm grabs and evasions. While it's nothing like grappling, it's still a tough thing for me. I pushed through growing anxiety for a good half hour or so until we switched partners and the teacher approached me for a grab. I must have looked pretty rough because he stopped cold. I stammered something about needing a break. That break lasted about 40 minutes, and I finally jumped back in for the last 15 or so, doing strikes. I doled out a few, and they only struck me when I asked for it. Apparently, I'm getting pretty good at striking. :mst: I could feel a clear difference from the last time I did that, and everyone else commented on it too. So that was a positive note to end on.

My reason for bringing this up here is twofold: the first is that I get really angry with myself when this happens. It's been almost 20 years; what's wrong with me?!? This quickly snowballs into a depression and everything that entails. I know it's not constructive, but that's emotion for you. It just is.

The other thing is that I don't know how to work through the anxiety when I'm in the thick of a workout. I don't want to stop, but I'm not sure how else to go about this. Most of the advice I've gotten reads like this:

http://www.mosaicminds.org/safe-ground-new.shtml

One of the fastest ways to ground, or bring yourself back from the past mentally is to shock your body of sorts. Many people recommended ice or ice water for this... Keep telling yourself "That was then, this is now". Say it out loud. Notice things that reinforce that knowledge. Get in touch with where you are. Chances are you are having a hard time remembering that the memory, whatever it is, is not happening now. Look around you. See where you are.

A lot of these suggestions would be great if you're just picking your nose in the privacy of your own living room. But when the physicality itself is the problem? I could try the perfume suggestion, but one of my classmates has chemical sensitivities. Going barefoot could be a safety hazard. I'm not going to start chanting "that was then this is now" in front of everyone. That's goofy. My goal is to be able to make it through practice without stepping out for a break when this hits; I'll probably have to work up to that, but that's okay. I'm just not sure how to get there from here.

I would love some suggestions. I've been at work this morning and so it's taken me 4 hours to type this; I'm not sure when I'll be able to respond today. That, and I'm road-tripping to concert tonight of my favorite artist of all time. It's my birthday present to myself, and I'm going to have a magical evening if it kills me!! :tantrum:

I'd really appreciate any help you can offer. Thanks in advance.

 

[morph4me]

When you take your break, concentrate on your breathing, don't try to control it, just concentrate on it. When you're ready, inhale to a coutn of 10, hold for 10, and exhale for 10. It's hard to think about 2 things at once and if you're thinking about your breathing, you won't be thinking about anything else, and you should be able to relax. The next think is far more important. Cut yourself some slack, you probably wouldn't be upset if someone else was having a tough time, give yourself the same consideration.

 

[teekin]

Flea, Happy Birthday to You! Who are you going to see? This advice may sound rather dry but it is the only thing I have ever found that has worked every time I had to push through something that had a deep hold on me. Figure out what exactly the issue is, what is the underlying fear. Once you identify that fear and Name it decide what would have to happen to remove that fear forever. What is the first step in that direction? You know if you take that first step the next one will be easier.
Even if you falter and need to take a step back you can still see the path, you are still walking towards erasing that fear. I didn't get any of my fears solved alone, I asked for help from lots of people. The ones I found I could trust, who got to know me the best, helped me the most. It's not easy to trust anyone is it? But at some point I think you'll need to. Just be wise about who it is, OK?
lori