Girlfriend troubles...

[Touch Of Death]

I know I should just dump her and be done with it, but My new girlfriend doesn't have any control of her three year old daughter. I yelled for her not to run into the street last night and was in big trouble for yelling. Although we fought about it last night, we again experienced her running off this morning. This time I made no effort to correct the situation and I even pretended none of it was happening. My girlfriend said she could still tell I was upset, and had no right to be so. I said, all I can do is "show" no concern, but she me demands "having" no concern. She broke up with me in between a string of profanities. Should I stay or should I go?
Sean

 

[harlan]

I can't imagine a harder situation than to be in a relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship. Kudos to you for caring enough to get involved.

In the 'old days', when a man moved in, he was the 'defacto dad'. The roles for all were understood. The roles are not clearly defined anymore...and the problems are the same whether or not one is married or 'living together'. Issues of money, personal and shared space, and parenting and household responsibilities, etc. Especially where there are kids, and possibly another dad/parent still in the picture.

If the two of your are serious about a long-term relationship, and you stay, you might want to consider a little family counseling. Shouting, and profanities, isn't what I'd consider a 'constructive dialogue'...so that needs to be addressed first.

 

[Topeng]

Be done with it. In your first sentence she was described as your "new" girlfriend. With issues getting to the point of yelling profanities and breaking up early in a relationship without talking things out, I don't see a light at the end of that tunnel.
More importantly, holding on to something that isn't there can hurt the 3yr old in the long run.
Just my .02

 

[terryl965]

FD I will answer with a question, what do you want? We can all give advice about what is best for you but it would be in total dis-respect for you and her. Since we do not know everything and especially feeling we are not in the position to tell you. If you beleive so maybe a good couple counselor would be a step in the right direction and if you decide to walk out be prepared to leave everything behind that would include all emotions involved.

I hope the best for you.

 

[Big Don]

It is easier to stay out then get out. That said, the farther you get in the harder it is to get out.
Bail out now.

 

[Lisa]

Run for the hills. If she is string profanities at you this soon in the relationship, things aren't going to get any better. Maybe this is mean for me to say but maybe there is a reason that little girl's dad isn't around, maybe he got tired of being treated like that as well.

 

[Kacey]

Anyone who would yell at you for preventing potential injury to a child - especially potential injury to her own child - has issues that will appear more and more strongly as the relationship progresses. I would say get out - but if you feel you cannot, then I would go Terry's suggestion that you get couples' counseling... if you get lucky, you might get one who would talk her into parenting classes as well; it sounds like she needs it.

 

[Touch Of Death]

As it would happen we are on our way to counceling through her church if we make it that far. When I say New I mean since Columbus Day. I do want to help her but there are does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel... I also hear a horn. LOL
Sean

 

[harlan]

*shudders* I've heard this before...'church counseling'. Run very far and very fast if she does not agree to counseling with a licensed professional in this field.

As it would happen we are on our way to counceling through her church if we make it that far.

 

[Touch Of Death]

*shudders* I've heard this before...'church counseling'. Run very far and very fast if she does not agree to counseling with a licensed professional in this field.

I can't agree with this. We all know exactly what the church wants us to do, and that is comply to a model or ideal. Nothing to run from really.
Sean

 

[punisher73]

I would say if she isn't EXACTLY what you would want in a wife, or has that potential then get out now. Things will only get worse with time, and she isn't going to change and you aren't going to change.

Dating people with kids is a real challenge and you have to take into account how you get along with their kids and vice versa, but I also think it is very important to get along with HOW they raise their kids (spoken from experience). If you don't like how she raises her child than get out. It doesn't mean she's a bad mom or that you know better. It just means that it will only lead to a lot of hard feelings if you don't agree on that issue.

 

[shesulsa]

Well, I'll speak my piece and then shut up.

1. Since you are new in this relationship (relatively) you're going to have to understand what the nuances are and special behaviors exhibited by children due to this kind of situation. It is *highly* unlikely that you will *ever* date a woman with children who will accept you with open arms, no fear, no resentment, no misplaced blame and anger or acting-out behaviors. To them you are a natural enemy. If you ever hope to marry a woman with children you hope to form some kind of relationship with, you will have to fight that battle with love, not attitude. And it will test your patience beyond what you think your limits are ... in fact, at least twice beyond that length.

2. She (the girlfriend) is likely also experiencing a reptilian need to defend and protect her child. She's likely also embarrassed that she didn't do better - that or she doesn't care. THAT is a conversation for adults. You will need to decide where you fit in that picture. Frankly, I don't think you have any business being around her daughter until you two decide on the seriousness of the relationship. If you already have, then you need to mutually decide on your role in this child's life.

3. Both of you need to accept that THIS CHILD IS THREE YEARS OLD. First her because if the child has unsupervised access to the street, the parent is not doing his/her job. Second, be prepared to repeat things to children a million times over before they get it. Sometimes the don't get it until after they've arrived in the emergency room. That's life. That's parenting. That's childhood. Get over it.

4. If you have to question whether you stay or go based on a child and the mother's parenting ability ... then you should go, no question about it. But if you ever intend to date another woman with children? You have some *serious* thinking to do.

 

[zDom]

Run for the hills. If she is string profanities at you this soon in the relationship, things aren't going to get any better. Maybe this is mean for me to say but maybe there is a reason that little girl's dad isn't around, maybe he got tired of being treated like that as well.

I second this opinion.

I wish you well, whatever you decide.

 

[CoryKS]

She broke up with me in between a string of profanities. Should I stay or should I go?

Am I missing something, or has that decision already been made for you?

 

[Sukerkin]

Some very good points made above.

The deciding factor has to be whether you reckon you can live with this woman, ToD. Apart from that nothing else matters because it subsumes being able to handle all the side-issues and keep the relationship going.

In your heart and mind you have to put aside all the details that can clutter your view on this. Most particularly when a relationship is new, you have to be able to discount the physical side of things because nothing clouds your judgement quicker or more completely than that.

What can help (oddly enough having just said its what you feel that counts ) is talking it through with your close friends. I don't mean that you have to take on board what they say in response to you but what you say whilst describing things can be very telling.

 

[Andy Moynihan]

Go. Quickly and rapidly. Don't just burn the bridge, ****in' DYNAMITE it, feed the remains through a wood chipper and dissolve all that remains in a vat of acid which must then be buried at the bottom of the ocean.

 

[Mr G]

Run, Forest, Run!

 

[MJS]

I know I should just dump her and be done with it, but My new girlfriend doesn't have any control of her three year old daughter. I yelled for her not to run into the street last night and was in big trouble for yelling. Although we fought about it last night, we again experienced her running off this morning. This time I made no effort to correct the situation and I even pretended none of it was happening. My girlfriend said she could still tell I was upset, and had no right to be so. I said, all I can do is "show" no concern, but she me demands "having" no concern. She broke up with me in between a string of profanities. Should I stay or should I go?
Sean

She most likely yelled at you because she probably feels that you don't have any right to, if this child is not yours. However, out of concern for the childs well being, I don't blame you for telling her not to run into the road. I'd have done the same thing. If she doesn't see this, then shes missing something. I also get the impression that had you said nothing and something happened, she'd have yelled at you for not attempting to prevent the child from running.

The problem is with her and she needs to accept that. If she has no control over the kid, she has to ask herself why? She's obviously doing something wrong, but not admitting to it.

IMHO, I don't see the counceling working...unless everyone, but mostly your gf, is willing to make it work. Give it a shot for a while. But, set a timeframe. If after a fee weeks or a month things havent changed, head for the hills and don't look back.

 

[14 Kempo]

Like I always say, "There is usually a reason somebody is single" ... I think she just showed you why she is. If this is a "new" relationship and it started out liek this, then take the advice of those that say run. I also agree with the fact that the decision was made, you state that she broke up with you in-between shouted profanities. If you stay, you place yourself in passive position and it will undoubtedly get worse as she becomes more and more dominant. Relationships need boundaries, and it is my belief that those boundaries should be set early. She is setting them. If you comply, expect more of the same. Good luck!

 

[Drac]

Should I stay or should I go? Sean

Been in ALMOST the exact situation..GO NOW!!! Do not delude yourself as I did into thinking things will improve, they don't...