Friendship

[stickarts]

Someone I have known for a long time has been upset recently because he or she feels they don't have a close friend. Those of us that have known this person can clearly see what the problems are given their behavior and are amazed that he or she just can't understand it.

This got me interested in hearing others viewpoints: What do you expect from a friend and what do you feel are YOUR responsibilities to be a friend? Do have any lifelong friends and how important is it to you to have close friends in your life?

What is your philosophy on what makes a good friendship?

Got any good stories about how a friend has helped you or hurt you?

Are most of your friends martial artists?

 

[mrhnau]

great thread topic

This got me interested in hearing others viewpoints: What do you expect from a friend and what do you feel are YOUR responsibilities to be a friend?

What I expect from a friend is fairly limited... Don't let a friendship be one-sided, with one person always making the effort or being the only giver. Like all healthy relationships, it takes a healthy amount of give and take. Patience and some degree of understanding has always been important. Those I consider closest to me I'd ask a bit more...

on the one-sided thing, suprisingly, that has cost me more friendships than anything. I'd always be the one person calling, inviting over, inviting out to eat or hang out. Occassionally I'd not ask, see if the person would make the effort. Sometimes they would not. Wind up not hearing from the person for years... guess it was a bit one-sided

Do have any lifelong friends and how important is it to you to have close friends in your life?

well, I've had a few since high school, and a few from college. I'm still relatively young, so the scale for "lifelong" is a bit ambiguous. It's important. It stinks to lose friends, and most of the time you lose friends, its over something that is relatively trivial, at least that seems to be the case. I am glad I do have one life-long friend though, that being my wife

Are most of your friends martial artists?

no, not been in MA that long, and not met -too- many people I'd consider a close friend.

 

[MA-Caver]

For me, in simplest terms... Patience, Love, and Understanding.

To expand: Patience; Time to build trust and confidence. Not everyone is going to BE your friend and you can't be friends to those who do not wish to have you as one. But for those who do or who are willing "to give you a try" (though they may or may not come right out and say it aloud) it'll take time. Realizing that some folks have been burned, sometimes badly by someone who they "thought" was a good friend... then YOU come along and end up doing (unknowingly) the exact same thing... but your intentions are honorable ... but they don't know that... yet! So patience and lots of it.

Love; 1. Accepting who they are unconditonally. 2.Being there for them in times of need or at least letting them KNOW you're there for them. 3. Also enjoying (honestly) their company. 4. Speaking well of them to anyone who asks and defending them fairly and judging them as fairly should you hear of them doing something that disappoints you.

Understanding; That they're human and just as prone to screwing up as YOU are. Understanding that their best efforts are exactly that their best. Don't like it? Then understand that it's YOU not them that is dealing with it in that way (see Love #1 ). Being just a good a listener as they are ... and more so.

Obligations? Well, gee like the cliche' says: "What are friends for?" If you can then you can help out... if you can't then you can't; accepting YOUR limitations is equally as important as accepting THEIRS. But you do because you WANT to, friends don't owe. But friends remember and try to recipricate best as they can whenever. May not be exactly what they did for you but it's of equal (or more) "value" or meaning as what they did for you. To me that's not really an obligation it's a relationship. Give and take equally. Just not necessarily the exact same thing. A friend loans you money to get out of debt or trouble or whatever! You recipicate by helping paint their house or watching their kids or house(sit), or help them out with their car... whatever! There should never be a sense of "owing" just a sense of willingness to do because they need your help (and vice-versa).

:idunno:
There are several different levels of friends in terms of closeness. And that is another post.

 

[Carol]

A local, and much beloved, Boston radio personality and Boston University professor passed away a few years back - David Brudnoy. He was perhaps the most interesting people in the Boston media, if you can imagine a person with the personality of a librarian - that was openly gay, had AIDS, and was agnostic - doing a conservative radio talk show.

He sounds like the kind of person that would have enemies all over the place...yet he was one of the most endearing people in Boston radio. In his final interview, he was asked how he had so many friends.

David's response was "To have a friend, you must be a friend". Those words have resonated with me ever since. I try to be a friend, don't always succeed, but its a goal I try for.

As far as what being a friend is...well, to me it means someone that cares and someone that listens when you need an ear...but to me it also means sharing the same interests and values to a certain extent. It's really hard for me to stay friends with people that I have nothing in common with and/or repeatedly do something that I think is terribly wrong.

 

[RED]

Carol thats so true,"to have a friend you must be a friend". I have 4 friends I've known most of my life. I'm 40 this year. The one is a TKD Black Belt. I have a lot of repect for the guy. He has volunteered to return to Iraq for the 4th time.

Memories are important. Sometimes you can't remember to call, although talking and listening are important, you will alwayes have memories. I go through the photo album often to remember the glory days. If you don't have good things to remember then make some glory days.

 

[bushidomartialarts]

well, there are friends, and then there are Friends.

i expect all my friends to be supportive (understanding that 'support' also means calling me on my bull***), honest and not boring. but that's about it. i try to fulfill my side of that little contract and we go around having a nice time.

Friends, on the other hand, are family without the blood. What's the old saying 'friends will help you move. Friends will help you move a body." perhaps not literally, but it expresses the level of trust, faith and support I mean. i'm willing to put pretty much all of me on the table for my Friends, and i don't really let them that close if i'm not confident they'd do the same.

 

[stickarts]

Thanks for the GREAT replies! Anyone else?
You find out who your true friends are and just what they mean to you during the tough times.

 

[JBrainard]

I met my best friend, a Japanese exchange student, in high school. After high school and some college here in PDX, he started traveling the world and I wouldn't see or hear from him for months, even years. He now lives in London. The point of all of this rambling is, everytime he comes back to visit, it's not awkward at all. It's like he's never been gone. I guess that's my definition of a best friend: You always click, even if you haven't seen each other in years.

 

[zDom]

I used to have idealistic expectations for friendship and, predictably, was horribly disappointed on many occasions.

Nowadays I have several people who are closer than what I would call "just an acquaintance" so I guess they are "friends."

But there are definitely limits on how much I trust "friends." It prevents me from being disappointed in them.

 

[MA-Caver]

I used to have idealistic expectations for friendship and, predictably, was horribly disappointed on many occasions.

Nowadays I have several people who are closer than what I would call "just an acquaintance" so I guess they are "friends."

But there are definitely limits on how much I trust "friends." It prevents me from being disappointed in them.

Yeah I know what you mean. It's sad that your trust get abused by someone you thought was a good person. However that shouldn't be a reason for not trying again... and again and ... dammit again!
Friends are our life blood in this crazy world. We need them, we'd be lost and so alone without them. A quote I like goes something like: "Freinds are God's way of letting you know you're never alone!"

Yes you may have to develop a guard to protect yourself from being burned (it's called...umm, I think... experience). But it should NEVER... NEVER let it stop you from making a new freind.
You can decide how long it takes of course for someone to be close to you, but by doing that you're depriving THEM the experience of YOU. Don't take forever.

Like I said, I've been burned before and a few times very badly by those whom I had befriended. But I knew that it is not a reason to alienate the rest of the world. It was THAT particular individual not the rest of the world that burned me. I can choose NOT to associate or have anything else to do with that person and move on to the next. I'm of mind of "burn me once... shame on you, burn me twice shame on me!"
But again, remember that people do screw up, you just have to decide just how badly they did. If it's not really (honestly do self-searching here) that bad then give it time to heal over and start over. If it IS that bad then disassociate. You decide... but FOR that individual.

:asian: