Drinking Jokes!

[Rynocerous]

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Cheers,

Ryan

 

[ppko]

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Cheers,

Ryan

Nice very funny:rofl: :cheers:

 

[BrandiJo]

haha i should tell my dad to have some of his buddys do that keep him outta some trouble

 

[KenpoTex]

:lol: very good :lol:

don't remember if I've ever posted this one but it's pretty good.


Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, some and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later.." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

 

[Rynocerous]

That's a good one, here's another one for you.

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."

Cheers,

Ryan

 

[Rynocerous]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

Cheesy, I know!!!

Ryan

 

[Rynocerous]

I'm sure that most women can relate to this one!

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her. He says, "Say, honey. . . I'd really like to get into those pants o' yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "but I've already got an a****** in there."

Cheers,

Ryan

 

[Rynocerous]

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK[/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.​

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]asleep clothed ... hmmm?

Roseanne looks good.

That damned pink elephant followed you home again.[/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]

You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]and the opposite sex.

Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.

Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]out your birthday candles.

Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka. [/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]

You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes [/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]made with Jim Beam.

Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the s[/font]
[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]hape of a bottle.

Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" [/font]

You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not
a personal challenge.

You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.

You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when
others don't understand you.

and this is my personal one from an actual experience... !


The doorman asks for your ID so he knows where to tell the cabby
to drop you off.
Unfortunatley I had my old ID and I woke up on the front lawn of my old apartment. LOL good times



Cheers,

Ryan

 

[Raewyn]

* You fall asleep taking a dump.

* You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center.

* Beer ads make sense.

* You wake up in the gutter, spit our several broken teeth, haul yourself to your feet, rush yourself off, and think, "****, this is no way for a Bishop to behave..."

* You explain to your bank manager that you spent your overdraft mainly on beer and women; the rest you just wasted.

* When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.

* You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.

 

[Raewyn]

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

 

[Sarah]

You know you're drunk when:

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. You fall off the floor...
13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger...screw dinner!
15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
16. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
17. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
18. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed...hmm.
19. The whole bar says "Hi" when you come in...
20. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
21. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
22. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
23. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
24. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
25. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
26. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Honolulu.
27. The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.

 

[MA-Caver]

A guy is being asked by the bartender to go home after a bout of drinking heavily at the pub:drinkbeer . Good naturedly he nods in agreement and gets off the bar-stool he's on and falls... flat on his face. :drink2tha
He pushes himself up with his hands and looks around. He climbs/crawls/claws his way back to standing position on the stool and steadies himself on the bar. Takes aim at the door and moves to take a step and falls... flat on his face.
Sighing to himself he crawls his way over the floor and climbs up the door til he is standing again. He opens the door and falls ... flat on his face. At least he's outside. He climbs/pulls/claws his way back up the door and points himself towards the sidewalk, and falls... flat on his face.
Looking up he spies a lamp-post nearby. He crawls his way over to it and climbs, claws his way up the lamp post and steadies himself then orients himself to the street that he lives and takes a step and falls ... flat on his face.
Resigning to the fact that it's just possible that he is a wee bit too drunk to walk home. Since it's only a couple of blocks he crawls all the way to his front door step.
Climbing/clawing and reaching his way to his front door he manages to get it open before he falls inside... flat on his face. With his free hand he shuts his front door and climbs/claws/crawls his way up it to lock it. Getting that task done he turns to go up the stairs to his bedroom and falls ... flat on his face.
Sigh. So he just crawls his way up the stairs and at the top climbs back up to stand again and points himself to his bedroom down the hall and falls... flat on his face (bet cha thought down the stairs huh? )
So crawling to the bedroom door he manages to open it without standing because this time he needs to be quiet so not to wake the wife. Crawling over to the bed he lays on the floor and manages to get undressed before climbing up the end-table and points himself to the bed and falls... flat on his face on the mattress/pillow and passes out.

Next morning he awakes bleary eyed and hung-over and spies his wife standing over him arms crossed and that nasty old scowl. "So," she snaps at him, "you's were out drinking last night again I see!"
Sheepishly he grins at her and tries to get out of it innocently... "N-no I's didn't... w-What m-makes y-yo-yous th-thhhink th-at?"

"The pub called..." she said, "... yous' forgot your wheelchair again!"

 

[pakua]

Two Scots on holiday in Italy, go into a pub in Rome. Bartender askes what they want- one guy asks "Well, what's the Pope drink?" Bartender says "Creme de Menthe". Guy says "Fine, we'll have twa pints o' tha then Jimmy"

Next morning they wake up in a doorway somewhere, totally wrecked.

Blearily one of them says to his mate "Jee-zus Mon, no wonder they carry him aroond in tha' wee chair!"

 

[Rynocerous]

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]THE BARTENDER[/font]
​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]This guy goes into a bar, says to the bartender, "I'll bet you [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]50 [/font][font=Courier New, Courier, mono]dollars I can bite my eye."

So the bartender, wanting to see this anyway, lays down 50 [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]dollars. The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it. He [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]then says, "OK, I'll give you another chance, I'll bet you [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]50 dollars I can bite my other eye." So the bartender thinks, [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]he can't have two glass eyes, and lays 50 more down on the bar.

The guy then takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]The bartender is upset, so the guy says, "OK, I'll bet you double or nothing you can slide a shot glass the length of the bar and I can run along side and pee in it without spilling a drop."

The bartender thinks, I have to see this...so he slides a shot [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]glass the length of the bar and the guy misses completely and [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]pisses all over the bar!

The bartender is so happy he won, he proceeds to jump up and [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]down cheering. Just then, a guy at the back of the bar stands [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]up and curses and kicks the bar stool.

As the guy is paying the bartender, the bartender asks, "Gee, [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]wonder what's his problem?"

"Oh him? I bet him a thousand dollars I could piss all over [/font]​

[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]the bar and make the bartender happy about it!"[/font]​

​

Cheers,​

​

Ryan​

 

[Flatlander]

:rofl: Priceless!!!!

Good one, Ryno!

 

[OUMoose]

An englishman, irishman, and scotsman all sit down in a pub, and all 3 are served a pint of ale. Just by coincidence, 3 flies buzz down and land in the ale, once in each pint.

The Englishman throws the pint back at the bartender, demanding another pint and making a scene.

The Irishman looks in, picks out the fly, shrugs, and downs the pint.

The Scotsman looks in, picks out the fly, and starts shaking it, yelling "SPIT IT OUT YA WEE BASTARD SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

:asian:

 

[shesulsa]

Guy walks into a pub, seats himself at the bar and notices that a couple of seats over is a guy just finishing his beer. He watches the guy put his empty glass down, take something out of his shirt pocket, look at it, shake his head, put it back in his pocket, then order another beer.

Our friend orders his favorite ale and onobtrusively observes this fellow repeat the routine over and over again, getting steadily drunker until his curiosity gets the best of him. He picks up his mug, walks over to the guy and addresses him. "Say, friend, I notice you keep looking at something in your pocket then shaking your head, then ordering another beer and I just had to ask you -"

"Wait a shecond ..." the now drunk man interrupts. He takes a final swig from his mug and once again, removes the item from his pocket. Our friend sees that it is a picture of a woman. The man now smiles, nods and says, "Yup! Time to go home now."

"Wait a second," says our friend, "why is it time to go home now? What have you been doing?"

"What I always do," says the drunk. "Every night I sit here, drink a beer and look at the picture. When the woman in the picture starts to look good, I go home."

"Who is the woman in the picture?" asks our curious man.

The drunk replies, "My wife!"

 

[Adept]

Three very drunk men are standing on top of the pub, each with a beer in their hands. The first guy says "This beer is so good, its magic!'

The other guys look at him. 'In fact,' he continues 'I bet it could make me fly!'

He downs the rest of the beer and leaps of the building. Sure enough, he takes of into the sky, does three laps of the building and lands again.

The second guy stares at him, then looks at his beer. He gulps down the rest of his glass and leaps off the building. He falls four stories, screaming the whole way, and crashes on top of a car.

The third guy looks across at the first one. 'You can be a real prick when you're drunk, superman.'

 

[Rynocerous]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Cheers,

Ryan

 

[Rynocerous]

Here are a few quotes...

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser."

"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!" (OOOHHH How very true)lol


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya' see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."