K
Kirk
Guest
Cartoon Laws
----------------
Cartoon Law I
=============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look
down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second
per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot
pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their
momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac
Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
surcease.
Cartoon Law III
===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes
this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it
unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
=============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or
an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward,
usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a
flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of
a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in
flight.
Cartoon Law VI
==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is
common as well among bodies that are spinning or being
throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication
only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve
the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
===============
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when
he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a
problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine
lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,
splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they
cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity,
they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
=============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies
to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law XI
=============
If you punch an alligator real hard, it will fly up into the air, and
come back down as 3 suitcases.
Cartoon Law XII
=============
Owls must wear graduation caps at all times.
Cartoon Law XIII
=============
When sneaking up on someone, it must be accompanied by
plucking violin strings in a C major scale.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
=======================
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually
a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with
great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
=======================
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously
nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For
instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express
himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
=======================
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
=======================
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large
wavelengths.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a
canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to
fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its
torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As
the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will
resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the
ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
=======================
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in
which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the
universe which postulated that the tensions involved in
maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from
nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and
unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces
generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see
Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are
able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-
spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of
dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
----------------
Cartoon Law I
=============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look
down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second
per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot
pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their
momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac
Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's
surcease.
Cartoon Law III
===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes
this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it
unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
=============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or
an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward,
usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a
flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of
a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in
flight.
Cartoon Law VI
==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is
common as well among bodies that are spinning or being
throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication
only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve
the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
===============
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this
theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when
he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a
problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine
lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,
splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they
cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity,
they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
=============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies
to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law XI
=============
If you punch an alligator real hard, it will fly up into the air, and
come back down as 3 suitcases.
Cartoon Law XII
=============
Owls must wear graduation caps at all times.
Cartoon Law XIII
=============
When sneaking up on someone, it must be accompanied by
plucking violin strings in a C major scale.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
=======================
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually
a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with
great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
=======================
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously
nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For
instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express
himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
=======================
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
=======================
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large
wavelengths.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a
canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to
fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its
torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As
the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will
resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the
ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
=======================
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in
which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the
universe which postulated that the tensions involved in
maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from
nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and
unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces
generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see
Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are
able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-
spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of
dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
), I do still watch these cartoons...mostly Roadrunner vs. Coyote (meep meep!) and the cartoon seems to pretty much manifest all of these rules. I love 'em!
