Blonde Joke To End All Blonde Jokes

This blonde was watching tv, she saw an outdoor sports special about ICE FISHING. The thought to herself- I could do that. So, she bought a small ice tent , stool, tip up and went out on the ice to try it. She started to auger a hole in the ice when a voice from over head said "there are no fish under the ice there" Thank you" she says and moves further out on to the ice and starts to auger another hole- again the voice booms- "There are no fish under the ice there". "Are you God" she asked- "No" the voice returned- "I'm the ice rink manager"
 
A blonde was so afraid of horses she never learned to ride one. So, one day she gets up on a horse and while holding the reigns with both hands she rode, after a little while she felt more comfortable and waved with one hand as she held the reigns with the other. Just then , she fell off the horse with her foot caught in the stirrup. Her head was hitting the ground as the horse went on and on- just then , Bill, the Walmart greeter saved her life- he turned turned the machine off.
 
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,explains to the
woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from
this store on a regular basis and would like some
more "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any".

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks
the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and getit."
She returns with the container and hands it to
the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back

and reads out loud from the container.........



" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
 
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times
 
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles.
The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
 
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my ****. I can splash it in my eyes."
 
a blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun with blonde, He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Roommate rolled her eyes and said ... "HELLLLO" Dont be stupid "First....You need to roll up all the windows"
 
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again:
"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
 
A blonde woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger
 
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 
A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.

"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer. The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"
 
Cop stops blonde for speeding.

Blonde: geez, officer, can't you give me a break? I'm pregnant and I going home to rest.

Cop: OK, I'll let you go. By the way, how far along is your pregnancy?

Blonde: About a half hour, and I sure am tired.
 
A blonde comes home from a day of shopping and discovers that her house is on fire, so she calls the fire department on her cell phone.
"Please state the nature of your emergency," says the operator.
"Help! My house is on fire!" the blonde replies.
"Okay, where do you live?"
"In a house you silly billy!" the blonde replies.
"No,no! How do we get there?" the operator asks fustratedly.
"Duh! use your Big Red Truck with the hoses and ladders!!"
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cannot figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed................

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
 
There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.
Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.
"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
 
There was a brunett, a redhead and and blonde who were all taking an extreme lie detector test. If you lied the machine would kill u.
The brunett got into it and said "I think im the prettiest girl in the world"
And then the lie detector blew her up.

So the redhead got on it and said "I think i am the prettiest girl in the universe"
And she was also blown up.

Finally the blonde stepped up and said "I think..."
and she was blown up
 
3 pregnant ladies (2 brunettes, 1 blonde) go to see their doctor b/c they are going to find out the sex of their babies.

The doctor calls one brunette lady into his office from the waiting room, and asks her, "Were you on top or the bottom during conception?"

She says "Top," to which he replies, "Then you're having a girl."

The other brunette gets called in and is asked the same question.

She says, "Bottom," and the doctor tells her,"then it's going to be a boy."

The blonde is curious as to how these girls are finding out so fast because they were in and out of the office in just minutes.

The girls tell her, "the position you were in when you got pregnant determines what kind of baby you'll have. if you were on top, you'll have a girl, if you were on the bottom, you having a boy."

At that point, tears fill her eyes and she starts to head for the door.

The girls ask, "What's Wrong?"

She yells out, "I'm having puppies!!!!"
 
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