hardheadjarhead
Senior Master
Did you hear about the Eskimo who rubbed noses so indiscriminately that he contracted snyphilis?
------------------
Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'"
-----------------
A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event
downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was
no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in
attendance. One of them approached the colonel for
conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering
you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and
enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and
quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since
1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."
--------------------
And on the technology newsfront this just in: Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and beat him within an inch of his life.
----------------
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his
morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said,
"well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level
high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he
was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard."
He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian
bread but ME?
----------------
There are two French Foreign Legion soldiers who have been lost in the Morrocan desert for days and days and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Francois" says the first man "Ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"You're right, mes ami!" says Francois. So he goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Francois.
"Francois! Francois! What is go-eeng on?"
With his dying breath Francois calls out, "Ugh, run, my friend, run! Ees not a Bacon Tree! Ees a... Ees a..."
"Yes, Francois? Ees a what..?"
"Ees... a... ham bush."
------------------
Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'"
-----------------
A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event
downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was
no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in
attendance. One of them approached the colonel for
conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering
you?"
"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation,
said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and
enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and
quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since
1955, isn't that a little extreme?"
The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."
--------------------
And on the technology newsfront this just in: Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and beat him within an inch of his life.
----------------
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his
morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said,
"well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level
high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he
was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard."
He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian
bread but ME?
----------------
There are two French Foreign Legion soldiers who have been lost in the Morrocan desert for days and days and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Francois" says the first man "Ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"You're right, mes ami!" says Francois. So he goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Francois.
"Francois! Francois! What is go-eeng on?"
With his dying breath Francois calls out, "Ugh, run, my friend, run! Ees not a Bacon Tree! Ees a... Ees a..."
"Yes, Francois? Ees a what..?"
"Ees... a... ham bush."
