Teaching your significant other

[d1jinx]

So, I learned along time ago, back in high school, that teaching your then girlfriend was a bad idea. It cause arguements because they thought you were being "too mean" or "acting like and ***". There was also a lack of respect often present that others showed, lacking from the significant other. Often refusal of doing things that they didnt feel they needed to do or was stupid....

So now I am older, and my wife wants me to "work out" with her and often asks why i dont teach her. I have been avoiding it because in the past, it has been always been a source of problems. Also, Its one thing if the person has trained before, but she has NO experience so she would be NEW and GREEN.

I was wondering, does anyone else have similiar issues or problems? what did you do to prevent problems at home.

 

[Stac3y]

I helped my husband learn his stuff during his brief time in karate. It worked out fine. He liked working with me, just not with the class.

 

[Touch Of Death]

So, I learned along time ago, back in high school, that teaching your then girlfriend was a bad idea. It cause arguements because they thought you were being "too mean" or "acting like and ***". There was also a lack of respect often present that others showed, lacking from the significant other. Often refusal of doing things that they didnt feel they needed to do or was stupid....

So now I am older, and my wife wants me to "work out" with her and often asks why i dont teach her. I have been avoiding it because in the past, it has been always been a source of problems. Also, Its one thing if the person has trained before, but she has NO experience so she would be NEW and GREEN.

I was wondering, does anyone else have similiar issues or problems? what did you do to prevent problems at home.

My problem, right now, is that I taught my girlfriend a move to use only in self defense, and she turned around and used it on her baby daddy the next day. Yes, he was attempting a sudden make up sexual act, but I have decided that she needs to seperate her self from dangerous situations; so, that is what I tell her. Perhaps she could be a good student one day, but she has already broke my trust in matters of when, where and why.
Sean

 

[dancingalone]

I was wondering, does anyone else have similiar issues or problems? what did you do to prevent problems at home.

I met my wife at an aikido dojo where we were both students. She was senior to me, being very near a black belt when I first joined, so she spent quite a bit of time helping me learn various techniques. We moved away from our teacher and as a result she now has her own school and I study with her, recently taking a nidan under her.

I don't think there's any real secret to making a student/teacher relationship work between husband and wife. I just understand that in her dojo she is the headmaster and I need to defer to whatever she says. As a yudansha, my feedback is of course valued, but she makes the final decision in all cases if needed. There is also a certain decorum needed in the dojo. In class, she is SENSEI and not my wife, so I call her 'Sensei' and not by her first name. Ideally, the other students shouldn't even know that we are married by our behavior in class.

At home, we're a normal couple like any other. We rarely talk about dojo business at home, but if we decide to make an impromptu practice with just the two of us, I defer to her. She is ranked higher and her aikido is better than mine, so why wouldn't I?

I guess the key is to remove the personal relationship when studying martial arts together. If one can't isolate the different roles between couples and teacher/student, then I think one shouldn't teach one's wife/girlfriend. I think a brutally honest conversation is in order.

 

[ATC]

Don't do it. Male teaching the Female = Bad bad bad.

However Female teaching the Male works often enough.

Females take things personal when it comes from their spouse or partner. I know it sound bad but it is true. The male and the female do not have the same approach or perception with many things. This again is of course coming from a partner/spouse point of reference. They can take the criticism and all that come with from someone other than you. They live with you and if you say that one thing that one day that they feel it is personal, well then you are done and everything will be seen as personal. Just the way it is.

It will start off great but as things get tough let someone else do the dirty work. You just say from the side, “You are doing great honey”. Even if she is not. She will take the criticism from someone other than you because she only sees them for what they are doing for her. She sees and deals with you daily and maybe you guys had an argument earlier and now she may feel you are only picking on her or getting back at her because of the argument. Best to have someone else teach her.

Now that is not to say you can’t work with her, you just can’t be the one trying to teach her. Just let her work on what she needs and encourage her is about all you can do. And depending on the type of person she is, you have the possibility to mess that up too.:rofl:

 

[Touch Of Death]

Don't do it. Male teaching the Female = Bad bad bad.

However Female teaching the Male works often enough.

Females take things personal when it comes from their spouse or partner. I know it sound bad but it is true. The male and the female do not have the same approach or perception with many things. This again is of course coming from a partner/spouse point of reference. They can take the criticism and all that come with from someone other than you. They live with you and if you say that one thing that one day that they feel it is personal, well then you are done and everything will be seen as personal. Just the way it is.

It will start off great but as things get tough let someone else do the dirty work. You just say from the side, “You are doing great honey”. Even if she is not. She will take the criticism from someone other than you because she only sees them for what they are doing for her. She sees and deals with you daily and maybe you guys had an argument earlier and now she may feel you are only picking on her or getting back at her because of the argument. Best to have someone else teach her.

Now that is not to say you can’t work with her, you just can’t be the one trying to teach her. Just let her work on what she needs and encourage her is about all you can do. And depending on the type of person she is, you have the possibility to mess that up too.:rofl:

Not that I am ready to try with my GF, but if you teach them what discipline is and how to use it on her self, then martial arts should be just as easy as teaching her anything else. Teaching her how you were taught is a whole other bag of worms.
Sean

 

[granfire]

it's a matter of the individuals involved.

I could not never ever teach my husband anything. He is the type who takes the tools out of my hand when I start a home improvement project (I did not mind when the toilet replacement included removing the drain pipe tho)

I ride (or used to) and I am dreading the day we should get a horse and I will have to tell him what to do and not to do around the barn. I am not even imagening MA training with him!

I suppose it can work. But it seems that most instances of one spouse teaching the other the student teacher relationship starts well before the romantic involvement.

maybe it's the place I live in, but men don't take well to instructions from their wives...superficial observation though.

 

[Dan Anderson]

I was wondering, does anyone else have similiar issues or problems? what did you do to prevent problems at home.

I taught my ex-wife up through 3rd degree black in karate and 4th degree black in arnis. This worked out okay but as she and I were competitive, we didn't train much together.

I taught my current wife with great success. The key points are these:

1. She needs to know up front what is expected in the martial arts class from the instructor. She needs to know she is there on the same terms as every other student.
2. BOTH of you need to separate out the 'hats'. While in class, you wear the 'hat' of the teacher and she wears the 'hat' of the student'. At home, you are no longer teacher/student but are husband/wife or whatever. Those are different hats. THE HATS CANNOT CROSS OVER.
3. In conjunction with #2 above, what happens in the dojo stays int he dojo and what happens at home stays at home. Interesting example is I have been teaching my daughter, Amanda, for 9 years. It is only within the last 6 months has she EVER asked me anything about karate at home. She is working on her Junior black belt. Up til then I never once mentioned anything about her karate once away from the school. She trains under the Professor but went home with Dad. We both really kept the separation of hats in.

If you both do the above, the training and home life with be a whole lot better than if you don't. This has been a successful action for me.

Yours,
Dan Anderson

 

[Brian R. VanCise]

I have taught my wife for years and it has always been a lot of fun for both of us. Inside or outside of a class either private or with the group! As long as both people are mature and understand the teacher/student relationship then it should be great!

 

[Sukerkin]

Aye, that's the simple 'key' at the end of the day, Brian.

 

[ralphmcpherson]

My wife has recently started tkd but for a couple of years before starting she would get me to teach her some stuff. I found when I was a lower belt it could be difficult as she would question things here and there but after I got my black belt and she saw first hand just how hard I had to work to get it she started to have a lot more respect for what I showed her. Now that she trains at the same club she constantly uses me as a source of info when she needs to.

 

[Gorilla]

Don't do it. Male teaching the Female = Bad bad bad.

However Female teaching the Male works often enough.

Females take things personal when it comes from their spouse or partner. I know it sound bad but it is true. The male and the female do not have the same approach or perception with many things. This again is of course coming from a partner/spouse point of reference. They can take the criticism and all that come with from someone other than you. They live with you and if you say that one thing that one day that they feel it is personal, well then you are done and everything will be seen as personal. Just the way it is.

It will start off great but as things get tough let someone else do the dirty work. You just say from the side, “You are doing great honey”. Even if she is not. She will take the criticism from someone other than you because she only sees them for what they are doing for her. She sees and deals with you daily and maybe you guys had an argument earlier and now she may feel you are only picking on her or getting back at her because of the argument. Best to have someone else teach her.

Now that is not to say you can’t work with her, you just can’t be the one trying to teach her. Just let her work on what she needs and encourage her is about all you can do. And depending on the type of person she is, you have the possibility to mess that up too.:rofl:

My experience is more like yours ATC...and I would agree that its is my observation that this is the more common way of things...I have observed Husband-Wife martial artists and have noticed a definite respect issue can arise...it is very hard to train your spouse...

 

[d1jinx]

It makes me feel a little better to know my concerns are warranted and others have had or observed the same problem or issue.

We have a great relationship... and i want to keep it that way. I try not to put myself into situations that can create problems between us. I just cant seem to think that maybe this would, but I dont know unless I try. but do I want to try?????...............

 

[Gorilla]

So, I learned along time ago, back in high school, that teaching your then girlfriend was a bad idea. It cause arguements because they thought you were being "too mean" or "acting like and ***". There was also a lack of respect often present that others showed, lacking from the significant other. Often refusal of doing things that they didnt feel they needed to do or was stupid....

So now I am older, and my wife wants me to "work out" with her and often asks why i dont teach her. I have been avoiding it because in the past, it has been always been a source of problems. Also, Its one thing if the person has trained before, but she has NO experience so she would be NEW and GREEN.

I was wondering, does anyone else have similiar issues or problems? what did you do to prevent problems at home.

If you have reservations don't do it...that is your subconscious telling you it is a bad Idea...I know that it would not work for my 19 year marriage...I think the few that it works for are far outweighed by those that it does not work for!!! If you do move forward set ground rules and stick to them...

 

[terryl965]

It will be 20 years in July and we have always trained together, it does work for us but we are not the normal people out thier I am sad to say. We have had so many couples try and do this and it does not work for the majority. Best of luck and listen to yourself.

 

[ATC]

My experience is more like yours ATC...and I would agree that its is my observation that this is the more common way of things...I have observed Husband-Wife martial artists and have noticed a definite respect issue can arise...it is very hard to train your spouse...

Yeah, I know that I could not do it. But if it works for others then it works. I guess you could make it work if you do not every chose to single them out for any reason. Just let assistants do the correcting or criticizing.