Some Canadian humor :D

[Andrew Green]

Signs You May Be A Canadian


1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
23. You read rather than scanned this list.

 

[Andrew Green]

From a transcript of a radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10 Oct 1995, between a US Navy vessel and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, divert YOUR course."

Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri. We are a large warship of the US Navy. DIVERT YOUR COURSE *NOW*."

Canadians: "We are a lighthouse. Your call."

 

[Andrew Green]

The Canuck Temperature Conversion Guide:

+15° C
Vancouverites try to turn on the heat.
Manitobans plant gardens.

+10° C
Victorians shiver uncontrollably and dig out their longjohns.
Winnipeggers sunbathe.

+5° C
Italian and German cars won't start.
Winnipeggers drive with the windows down.

Zero° C
Distilled water freezes.
Winnipeg's water gets thicker.

-5° C
Torontonians wear coats, gloves & wool hats.
Manitobans throw on a T-shirt.

-15° C
Quebecers begin to evacuate the province.
Manitobans go swimming.

-20° C
Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat.
Manitobans have the last cookout before it gets cold.

-25° C
People in Vancouver cease to exist.
Manitobans lick flagpoles.

-30° C
Calgarians fly away to Mexico.
Manitobans throw on a light jacket.

-40° C
Hamilton disintegrates.
Manitobans rent some videos.

-50° C
Mt. St. Helen's across the border freezes.
Winnipeg Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

-60° C
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-80° C
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Winnipeggers pull down their earflaps.

-100° C
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-200° C
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Manitoba cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-300° C
ALL atomic motion stops.
Manitobans start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-400° C
Hell freezes over.
The Winnipeg Blue Bombers win the Grey Cup

 

[BlackCatBonz]

im dying.....especially over the 2nd one

 

[arnisador]

I've heard the lighthouse one before...very funny!

 

[Flatlander]

God created Canada:


On the sixth day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."

 

[Flatlander]

If you are doubting if you are Canadian, take this quiz.

1. You like to drink beer when:
a) Watching hockey
b) Challenged to drinking games by friends
c) When the boss is not looking
d) Only on days that end in Y

2. You enjoy hockey:
a) Enough to sleep outide in an edmonton winter for stanley cup tickets
b) ALMOST enough to give up beer...Almost
c) As much to carry a hockey stick in you vehicle, just in case a game of shinney breaks out
d) So much as to hit anyone who says Wayne Gretzky is not Canadian

3. You will back out of going to your own wedding if:
a) You find out at the last minute your husband/wife hates hockey
b) You find out at the last minute your husband/wife hates beer
c) Your wedding is scheduled for game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs between 2 Canadian teams.



*If you felt compelled to choose more than one answer to any of these questions, have no doubt. You are Canadian.

 

[Flatlander]

40 Things seldom heard in Saskatchewan

40. I heard the bonspeil was going to be alcohol free
39. Did you hear Nicole Kidman was spotted in Prince Albert?
38. Duct tape isn’t going to fix that.
36. Come to think of it cancel that beer, I'll have a wine spritzer.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house
34. Is the seafood fresh?
33. Sorry can't help you, I don't know where you could find a vlt.
32. I think John Deere Green looks tacky
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe
30. I think it’s fair that Tereasa lost the idol competition, that little Albertan hobbit was just way more talented.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to P.E.T.A.?
28. So that's a tractor.
27. Perogies? What is that?
26. Why would we need beer? I thought we were just going fishing. (hunting, curling, across the street)
25. Honey, we don't need another dog
24. Who's Tommy Douglas?
23. So a Co-op’s a store? Is there one in this town?
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor
21. Could you give me a hand to draw this map. The top and bottom are just straight lines, what bout the sides?
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Canadian Tire today. :rofl:
19. Over here is our line of tofu meat products.
18. Aw Tim Hortons again, there’s a Starbucks down the street
17. Why would you need a big truck like that?
16. So that’s a Buffalo, what’s a Bison?
15. Did you remember to change your clock?
14. I was thinking of adding a spoiler to my lowered Honda.
13. Are you going to make it to Saskatoon for the gay parade?
12. I don't think the Roughriders have a chance this year.
11. I've got two cases of Corona for the Grey Cup
10. Could I please be served in French
09. I just don’t feel like Bingo tonight
08. Shame about Moose Jaw getting hit by that hurricane. (mudslide, earthquake, volcano, avalanche etc.)
07. So, what phone company are you with?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Corner Gas" that we haven't seen
05. I don't have a favorite farm equipment brand.
04. It’s just over that hill. (or just around the bend in the hiway)
03. I’m just going to skip white tail season this year, I can't find any one to tape the View.
02. I'm rooting for the Eskimos to take it.
01. Nope, no more for me, I’m snowmobiling home

 

[Andrew Green]

Top 10 Reasons Canadians are jealous of America



1. You can have a woman president without electing her

2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

3. You can call Budweiser beer

4. You can be a crook and still be president

5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything

6. If you can breathe you can get a gun

7. You can invent a new public holiday every year

8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care

9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"

10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all

 

[Andrew Green]

Canadian News

http://www.thetoque.com/

 

[arnisador]

I'm sensing a beer theme here...

Actually, I'm not much of a beer drinker, but Molsons is my preference when I do...