I was wondering if anyone else has social problems, and if so, how it affects your training. I find it difficult to bring myself to attend class more than once a week, because I just don't feel comfortable around everyone. I have been with my Sifu for 3 years, and I even feel weird talking to him sometimes. Everyone is nice, and I don't dislike any of my fellow students or anything, but dealing with small talk and such really stresses me out. I want to be a better student, but I'm unsure how to overcome this hurdle. Any experiences or advice is greatly appreciated.
social anxiety
- Thread starter Anuka
- Start date
ks - learning to fly
Senior Master
..although I can't completely relate, I can say that I have always been a bit shy as
I grew up with a stutter so maybe this will help..for me, when I'm in a large group
of people I don't know - I start with one person..maybe someone that appeared
to be friendly or who had tried to help me with a technique and I talk to them, relate
to them, get to know them...and as I do, I figure out who they get along with.. and
the connections start to grow.. Basically, no one is saying you have to get to know
everyone all in the same day - just start small - then, as your comfort level grows..
maybe so will your attendance.. I hope that is helpful...
just an afterthought.. I also think the muscle memory on your techniques will
improve if you're able to attend class more than once a week..
I grew up with a stutter so maybe this will help..for me, when I'm in a large group
of people I don't know - I start with one person..maybe someone that appeared
to be friendly or who had tried to help me with a technique and I talk to them, relate
to them, get to know them...and as I do, I figure out who they get along with.. and
the connections start to grow.. Basically, no one is saying you have to get to know
everyone all in the same day - just start small - then, as your comfort level grows..
maybe so will your attendance.. I hope that is helpful...
just an afterthought.. I also think the muscle memory on your techniques will
improve if you're able to attend class more than once a week..
Welcome to MT, I hope you will feel able to post here and enjoy the conversations.
I'm not sure I have any words to help but I will say that I think you have actually done really well so far with your martial arts feeling the way you do about being 'social'. For some people going to any class, martial arts or not is about socialising, chatting and making new friends, for many though it's not, it's about learning, listening and practising. Many people don't want to chat in a class for them the time for chat is after or before not during, I understand though that for you these times will be difficult but I wouldn't worry about appearing 'anti social' during class as I said many people prefer not to chat, I'm a gregarious person, will chat to anyone but I like quiet during a class.
I'm sure there will be people here on MT who can advise you better than I can, I just wanted to say hello and well done, three years is a long time and I'm betting you've made good progress, the fact you want to make more is brilliant. Anyway welcome again to MT.
Danny T
Senior Master
Hi Anuka, welcome to Martial Talk and hope you enjoy being associated with the people here.
Everyone has some issues. We are all strange in our own ways.
I also have little appreciation for small talk but will be first to say hi and shake someone's hand. When is comes to just talking tell what you have to say & let's get on with it. I would much prefer the short version of any conversation. Dislike talking just for the sake of talking. Though there are others who are far better than I in the social issue business my advise is just smile, say; hi, thank you, please, your welcome... and you'll do well.
All the best.
Hi Anuka,
I definitely have experience with this in other contexts, but I've been able to overcome it for the most part. So, I hope that I can offer some helpful advice.
I do find it strange that you have this problem in Martial Arts, though. For me, getting together and training with fellow martial artists is one of the most comfortable social contexts I engage in on a regular basis, because we all share a common interest. I have a deep personal interest in martial arts, and I enjoy being able to discuss it with other people who equally interested. It takes the focus off of you as an individual, and allows you to both discuss something external. Moreover, most instructors and even fellow classmates are very receptive to anyone who expresses a genuine interest in the art. Don't be afraid to ask questions or discuss your observations -- as long as you're humble about it, people will almost always welcome the discussion.
So, for me at least, it's easiest to connect with people by focusing on a shared goal or interest, and talking about that. I think that's generally the case - so don't be shy in this regard. You don't even need to worry about yourself or the other person, just discuss that interest which you share.
More importantly though, and I think this is the most important advice I can give you:
Accept yourself for who you are. Know who you are, and embrace that.
There's nothing wrong with being introverted, or even shy.
There's nothing wrong with not enjoying, or not being able to make small talk, even.
You don't have to socially outgoing if that's not who you are. Thinking that way will only make you feel inadequate, and more awkward. But, that's a mistake. The truth is, you're simply judging yourself by the wrong standards. Einstein had a great saying: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it's stupid."
Like you, I'm terrible at small talk. And, I'd be surprised if you could find anyone more introverted than I am. Yet, I really enjoy getting out, training, and even socializing (at least, for as long as my social battery holds out) with other martial artists. And more and more, I'm coming to enjoy interacting with people in other contexts as well. This is mainly because I just shifted my focus: I stopped being concerned so much with other's standards and how they might be thinking of me, and I started focusing more on my own standards and values, and just being myself, whoever that person is. I find that I'm actually very personable when I do this, because I allow myself to be authentic, and be relaxed about it. When I'm not worried about being something - "interesting," or "entertaining," or "outgoing," I can be what I actually am: thoughtful, curious, open-minded, and unassuming. And as a result, I enjoy myself more, and people enjoy being around me more.
For me, I just aim to be personable and approachable. I'll occasionally comment on things that I'm left thinking about, or am curious of, and that often leads to very interesting discussions. I just share my thoughts when I feel like doing so, and don't worry about it (or try to come up with something to say) when I don't. If you're putting any pressure on yourself at all trying to find something to say or contribute to a conversation, you're hindering your actual ability to do so.
As a last piece of advice, you may want to really get to know yourself and how you think, as well as a better understanding of how others think. People's personalities, aptitudes, and approach to life vary greatly, and it can be helpful to know how you fit into that picture. I've found Myers-Briggs / Jungian Functions to be very helpful in this role. If you look into typing yourself accurately (by actually digging into, and exploring the psychological functions, and not just taking one of the many silly tests that are out there - though, feel free to start with one just for fun, as long as you take the results with a shaker full of salt), you may find that it really forces you to become honest with yourself and start differentiating between who you tell yourself you are, and who you really are -- digging underneath the layer of assumptions that you may hold, or things that you may have attributed to yourself which may or may not accurately reflect who you are. It may sound funny, but a lot of people don't have a very accurate perception of themselves. Really digging down and discovering who you are is an important step to actually accepting yourself for who you are, and being comfortable being that person.
Anyway, I know I got rather long-winded and rambly, but hope at least some of that was helpful!
I definitely have experience with this in other contexts, but I've been able to overcome it for the most part. So, I hope that I can offer some helpful advice.
I do find it strange that you have this problem in Martial Arts, though. For me, getting together and training with fellow martial artists is one of the most comfortable social contexts I engage in on a regular basis, because we all share a common interest. I have a deep personal interest in martial arts, and I enjoy being able to discuss it with other people who equally interested. It takes the focus off of you as an individual, and allows you to both discuss something external. Moreover, most instructors and even fellow classmates are very receptive to anyone who expresses a genuine interest in the art. Don't be afraid to ask questions or discuss your observations -- as long as you're humble about it, people will almost always welcome the discussion.
So, for me at least, it's easiest to connect with people by focusing on a shared goal or interest, and talking about that. I think that's generally the case - so don't be shy in this regard. You don't even need to worry about yourself or the other person, just discuss that interest which you share.
More importantly though, and I think this is the most important advice I can give you:
Accept yourself for who you are. Know who you are, and embrace that.
There's nothing wrong with being introverted, or even shy.
There's nothing wrong with not enjoying, or not being able to make small talk, even.
You don't have to socially outgoing if that's not who you are. Thinking that way will only make you feel inadequate, and more awkward. But, that's a mistake. The truth is, you're simply judging yourself by the wrong standards. Einstein had a great saying: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it's stupid."
Like you, I'm terrible at small talk. And, I'd be surprised if you could find anyone more introverted than I am. Yet, I really enjoy getting out, training, and even socializing (at least, for as long as my social battery holds out) with other martial artists. And more and more, I'm coming to enjoy interacting with people in other contexts as well. This is mainly because I just shifted my focus: I stopped being concerned so much with other's standards and how they might be thinking of me, and I started focusing more on my own standards and values, and just being myself, whoever that person is. I find that I'm actually very personable when I do this, because I allow myself to be authentic, and be relaxed about it. When I'm not worried about being something - "interesting," or "entertaining," or "outgoing," I can be what I actually am: thoughtful, curious, open-minded, and unassuming. And as a result, I enjoy myself more, and people enjoy being around me more.
For me, I just aim to be personable and approachable. I'll occasionally comment on things that I'm left thinking about, or am curious of, and that often leads to very interesting discussions. I just share my thoughts when I feel like doing so, and don't worry about it (or try to come up with something to say) when I don't. If you're putting any pressure on yourself at all trying to find something to say or contribute to a conversation, you're hindering your actual ability to do so.
As a last piece of advice, you may want to really get to know yourself and how you think, as well as a better understanding of how others think. People's personalities, aptitudes, and approach to life vary greatly, and it can be helpful to know how you fit into that picture. I've found Myers-Briggs / Jungian Functions to be very helpful in this role. If you look into typing yourself accurately (by actually digging into, and exploring the psychological functions, and not just taking one of the many silly tests that are out there - though, feel free to start with one just for fun, as long as you take the results with a shaker full of salt
), you may find that it really forces you to become honest with yourself and start differentiating between who you tell yourself you are, and who you really are -- digging underneath the layer of assumptions that you may hold, or things that you may have attributed to yourself which may or may not accurately reflect who you are. It may sound funny, but a lot of people don't have a very accurate perception of themselves. Really digging down and discovering who you are is an important step to actually accepting yourself for who you are, and being comfortable being that person.Anyway, I know I got rather long-winded and rambly, but hope at least some of that was helpful!
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Welcome aboard, my friend. We all got our thing, and when you see someone who doesn't, it's just because it isn't obvious.
You shouldn't have to talk, no need to put that pressure on yourself. Maybe try being quiet and when necessary, say, "I have a difficult time socially, I'm not really comfortable interacting with people." This puts the onus on them and they'll either leave you alone or go out of their way trying to figure out what to say to you. Either way, it might be fun. Especially if you go stand near them. (are my devil horns showing?)
Does your anxiety prevent you from asking any questions you might have to your Sifu? If so, write them down and hand him the paper, I'm pretty sure he'll understand. Just keep going, Anuka. And maybe try to squeeze in a second class every third week or so.
You shouldn't have to talk, no need to put that pressure on yourself. Maybe try being quiet and when necessary, say, "I have a difficult time socially, I'm not really comfortable interacting with people." This puts the onus on them and they'll either leave you alone or go out of their way trying to figure out what to say to you. Either way, it might be fun. Especially if you go stand near them. (are my devil horns showing?)
Does your anxiety prevent you from asking any questions you might have to your Sifu? If so, write them down and hand him the paper, I'm pretty sure he'll understand. Just keep going, Anuka. And maybe try to squeeze in a second class every third week or so.
I've been thinking about this and one thing I would say is please don't over think this and please don't think you have to 'go in therapy' and all that type of thing, I think Buka's wise advice is spot on.
- Thread Starter
- #10
I'd like to thank all of you for making me feel welcome here, and for all of the kind words and advice. My school is relatively new, and although I still think of myself as a beginner, I am one of the more advanced students in class. Someone told me they look up to me last week, and I think all of your advice can help me be better for my fellow students. I look forward to being part of this community
Orange Lightning
Purple Belt
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@Argus - You nailed it Argus. Just nailed it. Not much I can add after that.
I've also had to overcome social anxiety. Past it now. Still have, as Argus puts it, a "social battery". Good term for it.
Anuka, can I ask if you're anxious about practicing amongst people you aren't comfortable with? Or is it just the small talk that bothers you?
By the way, I can't help but feel like this other thread relates somehow.
Have you learned any thing MartialTalk.Com - Friendly Martial Arts Forum Community
I've also had to overcome social anxiety. Past it now. Still have, as Argus puts it, a "social battery". Good term for it.
Anuka, can I ask if you're anxious about practicing amongst people you aren't comfortable with? Or is it just the small talk that bothers you?
By the way, I can't help but feel like this other thread relates somehow.
Have you learned any thing MartialTalk.Com - Friendly Martial Arts Forum Community
donald1
Senior Master
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Nice to meet you! Thought id jump in and say hi, maybe cause some problems or give some friendly advice. I can see where your coming from. Try not over thinking it. Im sure you will overcome this. Maybe some extra confidence. For starters it might help to tell yourself "I can do this, I know I can" and think of the things you have accomplished eventually you can add this to the list
Orange Lightning
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Oh I didn't realize you were a new member! Welcome!
It also occurred to me that martial arts will probably help you with social anxiety. Definitely the hobby to have if you're looking to build confidence.
But like Argus said, don't feel like you need to participate in all the small talk or equal other people's extrovertedness. Just be natural. You're likely among friendly, like minded people. At least to some degree.
It also occurred to me that martial arts will probably help you with social anxiety. Definitely the hobby to have if you're looking to build confidence.
But like Argus said, don't feel like you need to participate in all the small talk or equal other people's extrovertedness. Just be natural. You're likely among friendly, like minded people. At least to some degree.
- Thread Starter
- #14
I suppose it's more of talking to people, most of which is small talk. We do partner exercises a lot, and I usually try to keep conversations about technique, but I just feel awkward. To be honest, it's taken me several months just to join this forum, and a few days after that to feel okay with posting my question.
Orange Lightning
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Hm. I know a few people that have that level of anxiety. I never had it quite that bad, but the nature of it was different too I suppose. Still bad at small talk though.
Can't tell you how happy I am that you reached out and joined though. That's great. I get how much that can take for a person with these sorts of issues. I believe that reaching this sort of point is a great start for moving past anxiety. A great step in the right direction.
Please be comfortable.The best and brightest quite probably have questions and thoughts or likely have had questions and thoughts like your own at some point. Even if they hadn't, that doesn't make them invalid. Some might say insightful. Astute even.
And don't be afraid of being wrong either. If you are, then you'll learn something and be better off than you were before anyway. Plus, anyone with a similar viewpoint will learn too. Being wrong is normal. So is being right. Kind of subjective as to which is which though. xD
In any event, wrong or right, choosing to know which it is is always right. I'm happy you made it to this point.
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