Jokes

[KatGurl]

This is where you can show off your jokes. Here's mine:

Trading in your car is alot like breaking up, make sure you get the stereo.

 

[grimfang]

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

 

[Master of Blades]

You heard the one about the cannibal?



He wouldnt eat the clown because he tasted funny!

 

[Kirk]

Originally posted by Master of Blades
You heard the one about the cannibal?



He wouldnt eat the clown because he tasted funny!

Good joke, but your delivery was terrible ... "Two cannibals were
eating a clown .. one looks to the other and says, "does this
taste funny to you?"

 

[Bob Hubbard]

eww....

that one was bad.

heres a worse one:


The blonde test taker
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

 

[Ender]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his mother in law in the woods?

 

[Aikikitty]

Originally posted by Ender
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his mother in law in the woods?

LOL!!! :rofl:

Robyn

 

[Kirk]

What does a cannibal call a phone book? a menu!

-

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

-

Ever member here can bite me!
:rofl:

 

[Cryozombie]

How many Mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two if you can get em in the bulb...

 

[KatGurl]

Originally posted by Technopunk
How many Mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two if you can get em in the bulb...

Lol!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

[KatGurl]

There were three girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and
the were at the doctors office because they had all gotten
pregnant. As they were sitting there talking, the brunette
said "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top". The red
head said "Well I am going to have a girl because I was on the
bottom." The blonde starded crying hysterically and the other
two girls asked "What's wrong?" The blonde said "Oh no I'm
going to have puppies!"

 

[GaryM]

When they asked Jeffrey Dalmer why he was keeping testicles in his freezer he replied "... sometimes you feel like a nut..."*

* sung to the tune of mounds/almond joy commercial

 

[Kingston]

ok heres a couple of jokes

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

...he worked it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

....he got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the blind carpenter?

he picked up his hammer and saw.

what do you call a row of black men burried up to there necks in sand?

....afro turf.

 

[KatGurl]

One day a blonde named Susan came outside to check her mail. She opened the mailbox looked inside and started thumping her feet on the ground and screaming! The next door neighboor watched her. In a few hours, Susan came outside to check her mail again, when she looked inside she started screaming again. The neighboor watched her. The next day, Susan once again started a fit when she checked her mailbox. The next-door neighboor came up to Susan and asked.

"Why do you start a fit every time you check your mailbox?"

"Who ever said computers were smart? I was working on my computer, and it said 'You've got mail!'"

 

[KatGurl]

In an elevator...

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'.

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'

Call out 'group hug', and then enforce it.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

 

[Kirk]

Originally posted by GaryM
When they asked Jeffrey Dalmer why he was keeping testicles in his freezer he replied "... sometimes you feel like a nut..."*

* sung to the tune of mounds/almond joy commercial

Bravo, bravo!

 

[KatGurl]

How dogs are better than men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (okay, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

 

[Ender]

Ten things men know about women:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They got boobs.

 

[fist of fury]

More things to do in an elevator:

* Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your
head.
* Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
* Shave.
* Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
* Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
* When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by
themselves.
* Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
* On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go "plink" at the bottom.
* Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
* When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, I hate... motion sickness!"
* Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your
nose.
* Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say
"oops!"
* Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
* Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce
"You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the
elevator.
* Leave a box between the doors.
* Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button
for them.
* Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers
"through" it.
* When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that
your beeper?"
* Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce
to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
* Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
* If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad
touch!"
* While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide
it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

 

[fist of fury]

You know you work in the IT industry if.....

1. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
different companies.

2. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

3. The company's stockprice is keep going down and your CEO keep on telling
that its expected and good for the company.

4. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

5. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your
best jokes.

6. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

7. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than
all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

8. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

9. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

10. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

12. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

13. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the
hospital.

14. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

15. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly
say "Oh wow, thanks!"

16. Instead of payraise, you get new title and businesscard:
"You are now Senior Content Implementation Consideration Programmer"
"Thanks!"

17. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

18. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes,"
"in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an
opportunity for you."

19. Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you
get every January.

20. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers."

21. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their
pictures are hanging in your cube.

22. You read this entire list, understood it and added two more true statements
to this list before forwarding it to all your friends
(which accidently are the same as your businesscontacts).