When you're being throttled by someone you fell in love with or a family member who is a sibling or a parent or who swears they love you, especially if you have been raised with a subservient mindset such as the church can deliver or a controlling, abusive parent, the last thing on your mind at that moment is fighting back. The FIRST thing on your mind is minimizing the damage to yourself by either hiding, cow-towing, shielding yourself, begging, pleading, etcetera. It is the pattern. It's the only thing you know and every way feels like potential death.
You think about calling the authorities, going to the hospital, telling a friend, a friend's parent, a teacher, a neighbor ... but you know they've seen the bruises before, even asked about them, but looked the other way. They've even begun to avoid you and you become grateful so that you are no longer embarrassed about your appearance and no longer have to lie about your condition ... or your life.
Once it's over and you have wiped the blood away, donned the bandages and pancake makeup or put the pajamas on and everyone's in bed, your attacker asleep and quiet, finally vulnerable ... *then* your mind engages into some dark places no one wants to admit are there.
You begin to think that you will, at some unprovoked, unpredictable moment, die at the hands of this person. You begin to wonder how much longer you'll live and how exactly they're going to kill you.
You fantasize about running, but have no place to go as the nature of the abuser is to isolate his/her victim. Even if you think you know somewhere you can go you realize that reality means they will not be able to hide you forever unless they whisked you away somewhere - and even then, more danger. You fantasize about your attacker having some epiphany which will end the torture and realize it just isn't going to happen, which of course it never does.
Finally, you consider what would be worse - to continue living like this or going to prison or dying at the hands of justice? If you are either shady on the answer or think the last two options are far better, the thoughts become dark. You begin to think of ways to make the abuse stop via the only means you think is possible and know the only time you'll have the courage to do it is the only time your attacker is vulnerable - when they're asleep.
If you're lucky, an angel will stay your hand. If you're not, then you will be persecuted as being a bloodthirsty monster who sought revenge in a cowardly way. And whether your attacker lives or dies, and whether you live or die ... You're Screwed.
I'll pray for her deliverance, for I was lucky.