Improper touching.

[Ironbear24]

So there is this woman at my friends kenpo dojo that I go to every few times a week. (Free trail) and she often grabs my *** and I don't know what to do about it. At first it was funny but the 10 times after that it just gets degrading and makes me feel embarrassed.

I asked her to stop a couple times and she just doesn't listen plus I'm ashamed to tell the head sifu about it. This isn't a problem most guys have and I'm afraid they would say something like "and this a problem why?"

Under normal circumstances it would not be a problem, but these are not normal circumstances, this is a co instructor that is doing this and I feel that it's inappropriate to do in a place where I am sweaty and have to sometimes get into akward wrestling/grappling positions with her.

It's bad enough she is attractive and I don't want to have any mishaps below the belt happening as we are tumbling around or when she grabs me inappropriately. I don't know what I would do If that were to happen, that would just be too embarrassing.

This makes me afraid to go back because bow uncomfortable and anxiety inducing this is.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

Sexual assault is sexual assault. Doesn't matter which gender the offender happens to be. Ask to speak to the owner and explain in private what is happening. If nothing is done, you can choose to file a police report or simply stop going to the training facility.

Just consider what action you would take if you had a daugher who came home and told you the same story about a male instructor touching her like that. Would you do something about it? I sure would. So there you go.

 

[JowGaWolf]

Yeah I would bring this up in private with the owner or the Sifu. Things like this would make their school look bad and put them in legal trouble so they would be more than willing to put an end to the behavior.

I'm not sure how she's finding time to grab you during class, where everyone can see what's going on. But if it's happening in plan view then I'm sure other people are noticing the sexual assault too. You have nothing to lose as you are already thinking about not going back. Like Bill has pointed out, you have multiple solutions that are available to you.

 

[Aiki Lee]

If you told her to stop, she should stop. If she doesn't, you must discuss it with your teacher. If your teacher blows it off, leave the school.

 

[hoshin1600]

While the best advise has already been given, here is a question ...is it possible she is interested in you and trying awkwardly to let you know this? While men are constantly reminded of harassment I think it doesn't cross many females minds. She may feel your resistance is cute.

Personally if it was me I would tell her if she keeps it up, expect the same in return.. eye for an eye,, butt grab for a butt grab

 

[Tez3]

While the best advise has already been given, here is a question ...is it possible she is interested in you and trying awkwardly to let you know this? While men are constantly reminded of harassment I think it doesn't cross many females minds. She may feel your resistance is cute.

Personally if it was me I would tell her if she keeps it up, expect the same in return.. eye for an eye,, butt grab for a butt grab

That's not awkward that's harassment and women know perfectly well what it is. It is not a woman's preferred method of courtship, she is either trying to harass him or intimidate him. On no account should he say that to him, it will exacerbate the situation because she will then report him for harassment.
Nope, tell the instructor.

There is a chance that if she's doing this while grappling it isn't a sexual interest but is trying to fight dirty. She may think it will give her the advantage because you will be afraid to touch her, she 'wins' the grappling easily then. There's a chance that she wouldn't if you are stronger than her, even if it's this still tell the instructor.

 

[Kenpoguy123]

Quite honestly this is my main problem with society. If you did that to her you'd be kicked out or in serious trouble but with her doing it people just laugh. If it's a rule for 1 gender it's a rule for the other. Tell the head instructor because first If it's making you uncomfortable your more anxious about that and not enjoying training, second it makes the school look bad what if visitors from other clubs or potential new students come In to watch and see that it'll give your club a bad reputation

 

[drop bear]

Yeah hot chicks grabbing my bum.

Sorry not a problem i have.

 

[JowGaWolf]

That's not awkward that's harassment and women know perfectly well what it is. It is not a woman's preferred method of courtship, she is either trying to harass him or intimidate him. On no account should he say that to him, it will exacerbate the situation because she will then report him for harassment.
Nope, tell the instructor.

There is a chance that if she's doing this while grappling it isn't a sexual interest but is trying to fight dirty. She may think it will give her the advantage because you will be afraid to touch her, she 'wins' the grappling easily then. There's a chance that she wouldn't if you are stronger than her, even if it's this still tell the instructor.

The sooner the instructor knows about it, The sooner the instructor can watch for it the issue to happen. I'm with Tez3 on this one. If the OP returns the favor with inappropriate touching it'll definitely put the OP in a bad position that could make things worse. Right now the OP has 1 problem and there's no need to make it 2.

have to sometimes get into akward wrestling/grappling positions with her.

This is what wrestling is all about. sweaty akward positions. My question would be does she only do this to you or is this just something that you uncomfortable with all the way around due to the nature of wrestling /grappling? I'm only asking because of this statement.

Now if she's doing this to you then. Then she should definitely stop, regardless of her intent.

 

[hoshin1600]

I think posters here may be going overboard on this,, we do not know the situation and the environment. I am not condoning bad behavior but we are only going by the OP post. We need to know more of the context before we have a witch hunt and trial on this woman.

 

[WaterGal]

Quite honestly this is my main problem with society. If you did that to her you'd be kicked out or in serious trouble but with her doing it people just laugh. If it's a rule for 1 gender it's a rule for the other.

People laugh because they think women are weak and don't take them seriously as a potential source of harm to another person. So, the sexist reasoning goes, if a man complains about a woman assaulting or harassing him, it must be because he's so weak and "not a real man", rather than because she's violent or a jerk.

Anyway, the OP should definitely talk to the school owner/sifu about this, and try to not be embarrassed.

 

[hoshin1600]

That's not awkward that's harassment and women know perfectly well what it is. It is not a woman's preferred method of courtship, she is either trying to harass him or intimidate him. On no account should he say that to him, it will exacerbate the situation because she will then report him for harassment.
Nope, tell the instructor.

There is a chance that if she's doing this while grappling it isn't a sexual interest but is trying to fight dirty. She may think it will give her the advantage because you will be afraid to touch her, she 'wins' the grappling easily then. There's a chance that she wouldn't if you are stronger than her, even if it's this still tell the instructor.

You may be right Tez but what I do know after teaching for many years is that people are very strange and very weird.

 

[JR 137]

I hate to ask, but are you wearing a cup? If not, shouldn't you be wearing one, regardless of the current situation?

I don't have much to add to what's been said. It's obviously bothering you. Speak with the higher ups. If you don't like the response, don't go back.

 

[Ironbear24]

It happens before class, and after class. The instructor doesn't see it becuase she doesn't do this when he is there. My complaint isn't during the wrestling drills because obviously yeah, it's wrestling and stuff happens. I am just scared of getting an erection during said wrestling and I am supposed to wear a cup but I haven't yet bought one.

She is attractive and all and it makes it worse when she does stuff like this. I don't want such a relationship with a co instructor, for many reasons. When asking her to stop she makes light of it by saying things like "I just can't help it" or "its so magnetic." It was funny the first few times but I really feel like she missed out on good touch bad touch lessons during adolescence.

 

[Monkey Turned Wolf]

She is attractive and all and it makes it worse when she does stuff like this. I don't want such a relationship with a co instructor, for many reasons. When asking her to stop she makes light of it by saying things like "I just can't help it" or "its so magnetic." It was funny the first few times but I really feel like she missed out on good touch bad touch lessons during adolescence.

Make sure she realizes that it legitimately bothers you and you don't consider it flirting. If you tell her that you'll talk to the Sifu about it she'll probably get, but if you feel too awkward to either tell her that or talk to the Sifu you'll have to figure something else out that you are comfortable doing.

 

[Tames D]

I follow a general rule:
If shes a babe = Acceptable
If shes not a babe = Unaccepable

 

[Tez3]

You may be right Tez but what I do know after teaching for many years is that people are very strange and very weird.

That is so true! it gets to the point where nothing surprises me these days.


Ironbear, imagine if I or any of the other ladies here had posted up what you have, what would be your advice then?

Gender is no excuse to harass someone, she doesn't get away with it because she is a woman, to be honest you should have stopped I the first time she did it, by letting it continue you have given her permission to carry on. However, you now either have to tell her very firmly that it is not appropriate, and she stops ( it will have to be very firmly), you tell your instructor and/or you leave. if you do this and stay you may have to deal with the backlash By not saying no before, she has now got it in her head that you don't mind, even like it. When you tell her no more she may feel that you are verbally slapping her in the face and get angry perhaps even vindictive depending on her nature. I would explain the whole situation as you have told us, everything, to your instructor first, tell him you are going to speak to her as well ( you will actually feel better if you talk to her, you will have 'owned' the situation rather than just let the instructor do it for you). The instructor should also speak to her, the situation should not happen again to anyone else. Whether you stay or go will be up to you.

 

[JR 137]

That is so true! it gets to the point where nothing surprises me these days.


Ironbear, imagine if I or any of the other ladies here had posted up what you have, what would be your advice then?

Gender is no excuse to harass someone, she doesn't get away with it because she is a woman, to be honest you should have stopped I the first time she did it, by letting it continue you have given her permission to carry on. However, you now either have to tell her very firmly that it is not appropriate, and she stops ( it will have to be very firmly), you tell your instructor and/or you leave. if you do this and stay you may have to deal with the backlash By not saying no before, she has now got it in her head that you don't mind, even like it. When you tell her no more she may feel that you are verbally slapping her in the face and get angry perhaps even vindictive depending on her nature. I would explain the whole situation as you have told us, everything, to your instructor first, tell him you are going to speak to her as well ( you will actually feel better if you talk to her, you will have 'owned' the situation rather than just let the instructor do it for you). The instructor should also speak to .

Sorry, but I think you're oversimplifying the situation a bit. Yes, it's a forum and we all are, including the OP.

I'm sure it took a couple of times for him to realize that this was no accident. A few more times to realize that she wasn't doing this in front of her supervisor, etc. Had he known that this wouldn't be a one time thing and/or an intentional thing, I'm sure he'd have handled it differently from the onset.

He's already confronted her in a way he's relatively comfortable. Not saying it's the best way or not, but he's handled it with her, and it didn't work.

All I really have is next time it happens (if he goes back for a next time), say in a firm but not threatening tone "I've asked you to stop." And speak with the supervisor.

If you feel like fighting the good fight, go back. If it's going to haunt you that you didn't end it on your terms, go back. If you'd just rather it stop and avoid more issues, walk away.

I don't envy your position. Honestly, I'd say F it and not go back. Not worth my time and aggravation. Plenty of other things to do and other places to train than let this get to me. Not a cowardly thing, just a not worth my time thing. But that's just me.

 

[Tez3]

Sorry, but I think you're oversimplifying the situation a bit. Yes, it's a forum and we all are, including the OP.

I'm sure it took a couple of times for him to realize that this was no accident. A few more times to realize that she wasn't doing this in front of her supervisor, etc. Had he known that this wouldn't be a one time thing and/or an intentional thing, I'm sure he'd have handled it differently from the onset.

He's already confronted her in a way he's relatively comfortable. Not saying it's the best way or not, but he's handled it with her, and it didn't work.

All I really have is next time it happens (if he goes back for a next time), say in a firm but not threatening tone "I've asked you to stop." And speak with the supervisor.

If you feel like fighting the good fight, go back. If it's going to haunt you that you didn't end it on your terms, go back. If you'd just rather it stop and avoid more issues, walk away.

I don't envy your position. Honestly, I'd say F it and not go back. Not worth my time and aggravation. Plenty of other things to do and other places to train than let this get to me. Not a cowardly thing, just a not worth my time thing. But that's just me.

Oversimplifying? Hardly. Yes it's a forum and we are all what?

From what the OP said it was very clear that it wasn't an accident not even the first time. He said he thought it was funny the first few times thereby setting the precedent she took to mean she could carry on doing it. he didn't say he thought it was an accident and that it took time to realise it wasn't. It took TEN times of it happening for him to ask her to stop, by that time she would have thought she was onto to a winner so to speak. I'm going on what the OP has posted.

 

[PhotonGuy]

Sexual assault is sexual assault. Doesn't matter which gender the offender happens to be.

As a matter of fact gender does matter. If the person committing the sexual assault happens to be male usually they will get in much bigger trouble. Sexual assault should not be tolerated by anyone but the police and the courts will usually come down much harder on a male aggressor.