How does one teach proactive self defence without it becoming paranoia

[Lisa]

So as a parent, I often have to remind my daughter that the world is not a safe place to wander aimlessly in. She has a responsibility to herself and those that love her to take simple steps to protect herself no matter where she is or where she is going. She needs to constantly be aware of her surroundings, who is walking towards her, etc. Now that she has started to drive and soon will be getting a full license and driving by herself there is a whole new set of self protection rules that I am trying to teach her.

My biggest worry is that I am coming across as paranoid and perhaps thinks some of my methodologies a bit "over the top." What I am trying to teach her is to be proactive instead of reactive. Avoid instead of trying to find a way out.


So my question is, how do you balance for yourself and your loved ones getting the important proactive self defence tactics across without coming across paranoid. Is it possible and if so, how?

 

[Jonathan Randall]

So as a parent, I often have to remind my daughter that the world is not a safe place to wander aimlessly in. She has a responsibility to herself and those that love her to take simple steps to protect herself no matter where she is or where she is going. She needs to constantly be aware of her surroundings, who is walking towards her, etc. Now that she has started to drive and soon will be getting a full license and driving by herself there is a whole new set of self protection rules that I am trying to teach her.

My biggest worry is that I am coming across as paranoid and perhaps thinks some of my methodologies a bit "over the top." What I am trying to teach her is to be proactive instead of reactive. Avoid instead of trying to find a way out.


So my question is, how do you balance for yourself and your loved ones getting the important proactive self defence tactics across without coming across paranoid. Is it possible and if so, how?

Good question with many answers.

One I have, is ask her to be ABSOLUTELY PARANOID FOR TWO WEEKS. Meaning, after she walks through a parking lot, she is able to describe five minutes later the cars, colour and type, the people in the lot and WHAT they are doing, etc. Before she walks into ANY building or store check it out through the window (at an angle so that those inside don't see your full profile. One of the victims of the McDonald's 1984 Massacre was shot through a window when he looked in). Have her sit in corners - never her back to a crowd or door, etc.

After two weeks of TOTAL COMMITMENT and training of all her senses - eyes, ears, smell, etc. it will become a habit that should not be cumbersome and will help protect her for many years. She needs to keep a journal during this time documenting and reinforceing the program.

Also, she should OBSERVE how her friends, classmates and aquaintances treat those they don't want or need anything from. That will tell her their true character.

Practical and applied exercises such as this, will, IMO, have a greater payoff than constant reminders and lectures - although they're needed as well, sometimes.

 

[shesulsa]

One of the first things I do is tell the girls that awareness is not the same thing as paranoia. I also tell them that fear, nervousness, paranoia are all tools ... much like pain is a tool to tell your body something is wrong, you're injured, you need something or you're getting too much or gone too far.

Paranoia, as the term is often used in our vocabulary and as defined in Websters new standard dictionary, connotes mental illness and delusions of grandeur. I think it's important to explain the difference between paranoia and vigilance.

The key to getting anything important across to other people is finding out what makes them tick and using parallels in teaching and in seminar. So as an artist sees the world with the eye of a painter (for example) that person sees the world as shapes, focus points, colors, impressions, conveyed moods, etcetera. This is how we see the world from the eyes of someone who trains in self-defense ... we think, casually, about potential situations and different responses.

I've noticed that when I tell the girls in advance I'm going to attack them and see what they do (towards the end of the seminar), they usually get right to it. If I don't tell them and catch them relaxed, they just lose everything, can't respond, scream and giggle. So I tell them ... you are targets. Assume you're going to be attacked and watch for where they're gonig to get you from.

It's different with each crowd and the age. Communication is the key. My girls in scouts and my kids see how I'm relaxed but notice things and they've picked up on it - of course, I get to spend more time around them than girls who spend four hours with me.

 

[bobster_ice]

Lisa, I may not be a parent but I know one thing, if you act paranoid when talking to your daughter about safety and stuff, she would most likely think your a paranoid mess(and probally not take in everything your saying to her). If you talk to her and act normal instead of paranoid she will listen more, im not sure this makes any sense as im only after an exam and my classroom is absolutely roasting,

Bobby.

 

[Hand Sword]

I'm not a parent, so, I'll give a general answer, one that I found helped me with regard to the topic. I would suggest that a person work in a security position in night clubs, or wherever you have to deal with groups of people. This way, they''ll always be on the lookout for trouble, in a casual manner, staying in the background. It will teach them to confront problems, sometimes just talking proactively, and diffusing most situations. Eventually, you'll get a feel of the "energy" of the crowds, or individuals, just by walking in to the scene. This will then become a part of you, or, will heighten the awareness part that you get from your training, and carry over to everyday life.

 

[MJS]

So as a parent, I often have to remind my daughter that the world is not a safe place to wander aimlessly in. She has a responsibility to herself and those that love her to take simple steps to protect herself no matter where she is or where she is going. She needs to constantly be aware of her surroundings, who is walking towards her, etc. Now that she has started to drive and soon will be getting a full license and driving by herself there is a whole new set of self protection rules that I am trying to teach her.

My biggest worry is that I am coming across as paranoid and perhaps thinks some of my methodologies a bit "over the top." What I am trying to teach her is to be proactive instead of reactive. Avoid instead of trying to find a way out.


So my question is, how do you balance for yourself and your loved ones getting the important proactive self defence tactics across without coming across paranoid. Is it possible and if so, how?

I wouldn't say that you have anything to worry about. It seems to me that you're telling your child to exercise good common sense, good judgement...all things that a good parent does for their child! I'd say paranoid would be more along of the lines of what JR described: taking an extended period of time to analyze every single little thing, pulling into the parking stall and not getting out of the car for 10 min until you can do a full scan of the area, constantly looking over your shoulder, etc.

 

[MartialIntent]

So as a parent, I often have to remind my daughter that the world is not a safe place to wander aimlessly in. She has a responsibility to herself and those that love her to take simple steps to protect herself no matter where she is or where she is going. She needs to constantly be aware of her surroundings, who is walking towards her, etc. Now that she has started to drive and soon will be getting a full license and driving by herself there is a whole new set of self protection rules that I am trying to teach her.

My biggest worry is that I am coming across as paranoid and perhaps thinks some of my methodologies a bit "over the top." What I am trying to teach her is to be proactive instead of reactive. Avoid instead of trying to find a way out.


So my question is, how do you balance for yourself and your loved ones getting the important proactive self defence tactics across without coming across paranoid. Is it possible and if so, how?

Lisa,
I think it comes down to the perception kids have of themselves as invincible. Obviously the older they get, the less they believe they are beyond harm [mine are only 4yo and 2yo so they're happy to jump off wardrobes or put their fingers in the door hinges and all that good stuff]. So I don't think it's a question of paranoia but of a child's not taking a situation entirely seriously because of that inherent "invincibility" they possess.

So the question then is how to make a dangerous situation real for a child. Well, as I say, mine are too young for me to comment specifically but if I could give you 2c worth of my own notes, it would be to explain the danger but try to determine the best means to allow your daughter to discover *for herself*.

For me, that's easy. I'm happy for my 4yo to run his finger perpendicular to the steak knife while I'm holding it. I'd rather that than have him go poking in the drawer to see what I'm making such a fuss about. I'll open the oven door and give him the chance to put his hand close to feel how hot it gets rather than have him open it up when my back is turned to satisfy his curiosity. I think if we invite kids to experience the danger first hand it's a spur to get them to think on why really, they actually *don't* want to.

Our situations are obviously different but I wonder can you put your daughter "in" the dangerous situation by talking it right through lock stock and barrel [the more careful with your detail the better]. I know from my own 4yo that he gets the thing straight in his mind when I can get him to actively imagine himself in the situation. For me it's different - choking on peanuts or falling downstairs are easy to play act! But maybe the premise is the same regardless??

Ok, I'm not too sure how clear any of that is but I think ultimately we can show and tell but in the end, the assimilation has to happen at the level our kids are at. However, there's a more important point that all of us parents should take heart in and it's that kids have a far far greater logical reasoning ability than we sometimes will permit them to have in our own minds. Yeah, I *do* think we have to let them be "in" a dangerous situation for themselves [even metaphorically speaking] for their reasoning to start up but just because they don't have our experience of a situation doesn't preclude their ability to reason through that situation themselves.

Respects!

 

[frank raud]

The analogy I use is driving, so the timing of your question is perfect. When people first are learning to drive, they swing wide to avoid parked cars, get nervous when there is another car on the road, merging onto a highway causes high blood pressure, etc.

With practice and experience, the awareness one requires to drive becomes second nature. Most people can handle traffic, a conversation and a radio going at the same time. What started out as appearing paranoid(over re-acting to other cars, pedestrians, etc)becomes routine, but you can switch to heightened levels of awareness quickly in case of accidents, bad weather etc.

Proactive self defense is the same thing. I was out with a friend of mine who has an interesting background, as we are walking down the street, he pointed out things that I hadn't noticed. The couple coming towards to us for a few blocks away with a large man behind them. He wasn't just walking behind them, he was a bodyguard, looking casual but alert. The couple were a high level politician and friend. The man walking down the street with his hand cupping something. He had a knife palmed in his right hand. Walked right past us, which was good.

We teach our children to be proactive about self preservation from the beginning(look both ways, don't play with electricity or fire). self defense is just a continum.

 

[Bigshadow]

So as a parent, I often have to remind my daughter that the world is not a safe place to wander aimlessly in. She has a responsibility to herself and those that love her to take simple steps to protect herself no matter where she is or where she is going. She needs to constantly be aware of her surroundings, who is walking towards her, etc. Now that she has started to drive and soon will be getting a full license and driving by herself there is a whole new set of self protection rules that I am trying to teach her.

My biggest worry is that I am coming across as paranoid and perhaps thinks some of my methodologies a bit "over the top." What I am trying to teach her is to be proactive instead of reactive. Avoid instead of trying to find a way out.


So my question is, how do you balance for yourself and your loved ones getting the important proactive self defence tactics across without coming across paranoid. Is it possible and if so, how?

Lisa,

If she is quite young you might want to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gaven DeBecker. This book will give you great insight into awareness, environment, and those subtle clues we often overlook that lead up to danger. Then you should teach her to recognize these things. If she is old enough to read a book at that level and understand those concepts then maybe she should read it.

IMHO being proactive is first being aware of those subtle signs, feelings, clues, that are natural alarms of impending danger. It has been my experience that one cannot go about staring everyone down and "trying to spot that clue of danger", but one must relax and go about their business and those clues will naturally present themselves. IMO that is the front line defense. Obviously, if one has to resort to physical defense, one has missed a whole host of signs and clues.

As for physical SD, that depends on her age and understanding of various physical and spatial concepts related to physical human conflict.

Sorry I couldn't be more specific.

Just my .02 cents worth.

 

[Robert Lee]

Anything can happen at any time. AND most people will be caught off guard. Learning self respect proper judgement. Vision of gut instinct that you are not in the right place. Girls /women are more prone to be harmed. They are seen as a weaker target. And of coarse as a preditors target. Take time to circle a parking lot park in a well lighted area. Do not get into an other persons car that you do not know well. meet people where there are other people around. Trust in the world but know to that being over trusting can lead to a bad situation. Try to talk with other people on subjects that relate to your feelings about things. You learn to know that person more Learning self defence Will not do any good with out making sure you the person goes and does things that do not put you in a danger zone. even just locking the car doors is being safe. Now days cell phones hand held alarms and such are ready to use at most times. Also learn that if in a postion act nervous throw up pick your nose something that can turn off a preditors actions heck even carrying a fake card saying you have Aids can save you. But good common sence and knowing what is best to do to keep safe is the best defence weapon for most every one.

 

[Kacey]

I agree with the previous posters - she needs to understand the difference between paranoia and awareness. Demonstrate for her the difference that awareness can make, in terms she understands. You said she's just starting to drive - there are plenty of statistics about awareness and driving which could give you a good place to start. Here's an example: a good friend of mine, who is a careful driver (10+ years without a ticket), took his eyes off the road for a second to look at something (he doesn't remember what). When he looked back, the SUV in front of him was braking, he was too close, and he rammed into it, totalling his car (luckily, no major injuries in either vehicle)... and all it took was a few inattentive seconds.

 

[Touch Of Death]

Defensive driving is not paranoia. Make it a game of Identify, predict, decide, and execute. Just like with driving. Its just an act of taking personal responsibility for your own saftey. I say it beats the alternatives.
Sean

 

[Lisa]

Lisa,

If she is quite young you might want to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gaven DeBecker. This book will give you great insight into awareness, environment, and those subtle clues we often overlook that lead up to danger. Then you should teach her to recognize these things. If she is old enough to read a book at that level and understand those concepts then maybe she should read it.

IMHO being proactive is first being aware of those subtle signs, feelings, clues, that are natural alarms of impending danger. It has been my experience that one cannot go about staring everyone down and "trying to spot that clue of danger", but one must relax and go about their business and those clues will naturally present themselves. IMO that is the front line defense. Obviously, if one has to resort to physical defense, one has missed a whole host of signs and clues.

As for physical SD, that depends on her age and understanding of various physical and spatial concepts related to physical human conflict.

Sorry I couldn't be more specific.

Just my .02 cents worth.

I have heard of this book before, I am sure it has been mentioned elsewhere and I think I will check it out. Thank you so much.

Thank you everyone for your replies. The are greatly appreciated and I will look into them. Sometimes I play a game with my youngest regarding "what to do when" scenarious. I think they help her get the idea of how to walk to school safely, etc.

 

[Jonathan Randall]

I wouldn't say that you have anything to worry about. It seems to me that you're telling your child to exercise good common sense, good judgement...all things that a good parent does for their child! I'd say paranoid would be more along of the lines of what JR described: taking an extended period of time to analyze every single little thing, pulling into the parking stall and not getting out of the car for 10 min until you can do a full scan of the area, constantly looking over your shoulder, etc.

The exercise I mentioned was only for a specific time period to train good habits of awareness and compared (by total hours) to the amount of time spent in a dojo/dojang, going from white to first degree black belt, is miniscule - but with a potentially far greater self-protection payoff.

I think it is always a delicate balance between being aware and being paranoid, but I do believe that practical exercises are usually of greater utility than simple lectures about "being aware".

 

[searcher]

Give her the basics/skills she needs to defend herself along with the "Iam not a victim" mentality. Train the to seperately and together. If you want to help her not be a victim get her some adrenal-stress training. This will also see if she has paranoia starting to creep into her head. JMHO.

 

[Henderson]

I also tend to believe that victims are usual chosen in advance of assaults. One of the most important things that can be taught is confidence, especially in young women/girls. I have two daughters that will be 9 yrs old next month. I try to instill an air of confidence in them to avoid such situations. At their age this can be as easy as teaching them to make eye contact with the people around them, have them pay for items in stores while you observe from a short distance, have them politely ask a stranger if they know the time, etc. The shy, timid child who walks with their head down and hunched shoulders is a much easier target than the one who carries themself well and is aware of their surroundings. Awareness is never paranoia.

 

[liuseongsystem]

Lisa,

i might be approaching this from a slightly differenct perpsective than some which is entirely martial.

i do kuntao which is an extremely pre emptive art. now my art is considered by some to be 'hyper active/aggressive' with a background in a culture that has some 'different elements' in it.....and it is not really for young ladies, but it teaches a few things about mindset

it is very important that she be taught from the point of view of self confidence, ability, and intelligence. the intelligence is displayed as respect for dangerous people, places, and things.

i would not use fear as a motivator. fear grows. and she must train regularily in order to feel confident. if she is made aware of danger, but not taught how to deal with it, she will fear it. but if she has some measure of resolution, even if it be only running, or screaming than at least she will have some recourse, and this will be something for her to focus on if ever threatened.

fear is a perception about the nature of something....a bad first impression, as it were. what i am trying to say that fear is great subjective and the outlook is the prime determinant of the degree of 'paranoia' or fear relatively speaking.

the flight or fight response is a choice. you can fight or flee. another way to see this from a child's perspective is that you can freeze and panic or you can act.

sorry to be so psycho/esoteric but your post hit a chord with me immediately. i have a fifteen month old daughter.

for self defense? teach her evasive stepping, moving off angle against everything.

thanx.

 

[thescottishdude]

I don't think it's something you can drum into people as they will think you're overreacting. unfortunatly they won't take it seriously until they are attacked on the street.