Hanging's too good for him - Chavspeare

tellner

tellner

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That high pitched whirring you hear from Holy Trinity Church, Stratford-on-Avon is the Bard rotating at about 1000 RPM.

According to the Telegraph Martin Baum has abridged fifteen of Shakespeare's plays in "yoofspeak" including:

ALL’S SWEET THAT ENDS SWEET, INNIT
AMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK
ANT AND CLEO
AS YOU LIKES IT
DE ‘APPY BITCHES OF WINDSOR

Amlet, Prince of Denmark

Dere was somefing minging in de State of Denmark which was making Amlet all uncool. First, his Uncle Claudius had married his muvva, de main ***** Queen Gertrude. Then de Norwegian Fortinbras massive was freatening to invade de Danish turf and finally, and quite unexpectedly, de rank ghost of his nutty farva was spooking de crap out of him. De minging ghost told Amlet he was poisoned by Claudius and wanted him to do somefing about it. Amlet said “Aiii,” and reckoned de best way was to pretend to go all loony toons to make everyone fink he was barking, including Ophelia, de fit ***** he wanted to be all jiggy jiggy with.
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More excerpts can be read, if you really must, on his website.
 
Godawful to be sure. However, on this site, some people have translated Pulp Fiction into Shakespearian language.
Thusly:
JULIUS:

What mean'st thou now?

JAMES:

Thou think'st I am an ear of maize, which to
consume one with cold butter must anoint.
I ken the quality of mine own goods;
'tis I who them procure on market-day.
When fortune doth compel me to remain
within, and send my wife instead to seek
the roasted bean I crave, then--faugh! I trow
the swill infusèd thus is foul indeed.
But come, thou knave, and leave behind this talk
of coffa, and of how regard'st my board:
Consider now the moor who, lately killed,
Doth occupy my very carriage-house.

JULIUS:

Dear James--

JAMES:

Dost not thou see that my lips move?
I beg, sirrah, that thou try to recall
whether a sign-post haply struck thine eye
upon thy entrance hitherto, i'faith,
emblazoned with a legend, reading thus:
"Ye May Reposit Lifeless Moors Within"?

JULIUS:

Dear James--

JAMES:

I do entreat thee, answer it.
Didst thou espy a sign-post which announced:
"Ye May Reposit Lifeless Moors Within"?

JULIUS:

In sooth, good sir, I saw no such.
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J: Your pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: Thou sayest thou dost hail from distant What?
I know but naught of thy fair country What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
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English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
 
Oh come on, you mean you never surfed the web through the Jive Filter? This could be a lot of fun! Probably helps to understand British yoofspeak, though. Or Shakespeare.
 
To many I think Estuary English and Shakespearian English are equally mysterious! I think the 'yoof' English described here is almost only found in the London/Essex area, (the media always forgets there's more to the UK than London lol) Northern English youth talks differently though equally incomprehensively! Nearly all Londoners of any age add "innit" to the end of a sentence. The most annoying thing to me, right, is adding, '"right" to every sentence several times, right! I could scream, right, every time I hear it, right.
 
Tez3 said:
To many I think Estuary English and Shakespearian English are equally mysterious! I think the 'yoof' English described here is almost only found in the London/Essex area, (the media always forgets there's more to the UK than London lol) Northern English youth talks differently though equally incomprehensively! Nearly all Londoners of any age add "innit" to the end of a sentence. The most annoying thing to me, right, is adding, '"right" to every sentence several times, right! I could scream, right, every time I hear it, right.
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Like, I know what you like mean. Like it's like really like annoying
 
well
on the one hand, if it motivates someone to read the material, thats a good thing

on the other hand, reading it in those terms make my brain bleed.

I dont know

*walks away muttering*
 
'Little Britain' usually brings out the Grumpy Old Ranter in me but in this case the documentary footage of the devolution of British youth was warranted :D.
 
Sukerkin said:
'Little Britain' usually brings out the Grumpy Old Ranter in me but in this case the documentary footage of the devolution of British youth was warranted :D.
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Chavs are my bete noir I'm afraid! that and the education standards lol!
 
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