Confession booth

[girlbug2]

About 2 months back I posted about a pretest in which I performed poorly (or so I thought) and cried toward the end. My ego took quite a blow. Many people on this board responded with advice and comfort, for which I am grateful. Imagine my surprise later when I found out that I had actually passed the pretest, and will now be eligible for the "real" test this spring.

The thing is, I have been going about my training since then feeling like a fraud. Sooner or later, I am convinced, a training situation will arise that exposes my weaknesses as a martial artist and people will realize that I don't really deserve the rank that I have. Not that I'm in it for the rank--really, I care so much more about learning and experiencing martial arts. But I don't want to be the one to ruin it for the school, lower the bar so to speak. The standards are really high, and whatever my rank, I want to do right by my instructor and our school.

So, how to take the pressure off and train to catch up to where I think I should be. The real test is looming ahead--it's hard to concentrate on perfecting a technique and deepening my understanding of principle, when in the back of my head all I hear is, I don't deserve to be in this advanced class.

How to get the head right!!

 

[jks9199]

Stop comparing yourself to anyone else, and stop worrying about whether you're "really" whatever rank. Train. Practice. And don't worry about what others think. The only opinion of your skill at this stage in your training that matters is what your instructors think.

 

[Flea]

We don't do ranking in my MA but from what I've read here it sounds like they wouldn't have allowed you to test if they didn't think you were ready. Am I correct? If so, have faith in your instructors' judgement.

As far as exposing your weakness eventually, of course it will happen. You are weak. We all are. If we weren't, we wouldn't need martial arts to make us stronger and better people. It's a given that eventually your weaknesses will be exposed. Your opponents will inevitably have their weaknesses exposed too. Ultimately that's a beautiful truth, because it's what makes us human.

Better yet, failure is the best teacher. It's a gift. When those weaknesses come out, forgive yourself and then explore the dimensions of the situation. You can always learn from it.

I know you'll kick ***. Have fun.

 

[Bruno@MT]

We all have weaknesses. It's the fact that you don't give up despite your doubts that proves that you have what it takes. But we all have our strengths as well. Just because they're different from other persons strengths does not mean that you are more or less worthy than them.

Let me share with you an anecdote from my college years.
One of the girls in my class (Master in Engineering) always felt like you describe. Always convinced she didn't have what it took, convinced she'd fail, feeling that she shouldn't go to the exams because she'd fail, etc...
When she took exams, she'd ace them. Her math skills were much better than mine and she'd score A+es. But more often than not she didn't take the exam because of her self doubt, convinced she'd fail. Eventually she dropped out. Which was a shame because she really was good.

So while you might feel that you are not worthy of where you are now, perhaps you are not the best qualified to make that call? I don't really think that your teacher would let you test if he didn't think you had it, and I don't think you'd have passed the pre-test if you didn't.

 

[Cirdan]

At least you know you have weaknesses, imagine how hard learning is for someone who does not know this.

Let the intructor worry about who is worthy of being in class, you keep going do your best and enjoy the good MA.

 

[Carol]

You're not a fraud girlbug. Not at all. You sound like a perfectly normal student to me :asian:

I have been sick for 10 days so if I am not making sense, just holler.

You are learning something that is absolutely critical to your continued success in the art, and critical to your chances of using your skills successfully in a live situation.

In 1987, I moved to Boston to attend Berklee College of Music. Just arriving was a shock. I had been among better musicians in my high school, but I discovered that being one of the best musicians in your town or school means very little when you're at a school like Berklee and surrounded by the best from all over the world.

Our first week there we had to go through several evaluations, one of which was a placement audition on our primary instrument. Mine was guitar. Berklee attracts a lot of guitarists, so there was a good crowd of us in the halls by the guitar classrooms waiting our turn.

I did my audition, and didn't do as well as I thought. I was kind of angry at myself. I knew the elements of the audition (sight reading, performing a prepared piece), and had prepared well but I didn't deliver anywhere near as well as I thought I would.

One of professors involved in the process stepped out of the classroom at the end, and said "So? How do you all think you did?" We gave a collective groan in response. A boy near me said "I play so much better at home..." My head snapped up and I confirmed what he said with a loud "Me too!", as did a few others.

The professor looked at the boy and said "What, you want us to bring your bed over? Your night stand? Maybe a teddy bear and your favorite blankie?" The prof had a smile on his face, and we all kind of chuckled, but his tone was serious enough to make the point that we all had to learn right away. As musicians, we would be performing when we were uncomfortable. When things weren't exactly right. When the surroundings weren't what we wanted. But we had to go with it! It is learning from those experiences that would hone the calibre of musicianship needed for a live performance, a studio gig, an audition with someone famous, or even pick-up work at a party.

Its the same with martial arts. To grow, your instrutor or coach has to make you uncomfortable. Coach can't push you so far so fast that you are constantly lost and frustrated, you'd never come back if that were so.

Yet retreating and backtracking does not make for progress. The secret to growth is in that middle ground, where you are out of your comfort zone and must perform. The lessons learned by fighting through that discomfort could be what saves our life someday.

Keep fighting

 

[Sukerkin]

:chuckles: Well done everybody! You left me with nothing to say as you covered pretty much everything I was going to contribute .

This is one of the harder things to do and so easy to give it as advice - just treat testing as extra practise. That is what I try to do.

Inevitably we all stress to one degree or another about gradings, despite our conscious selves telling us that it's foolish to do so .

From the sound of things, bug you have the right attitude with regard to rank - or at least it's the attitude I prefer people to have i.e. rank is not your motivation for practising. It's certainly the principle I try to adhere to.

My missus is much more 'overt' about my rank in iai than I am for example - she likes to frame my certificates and hang them up along with photo's of me in my kit . I'll tell someone my rank if they enquire, it's not a secret after all but that's about it.

I find that such a mindset helps you keep a sense of perspective on the subject ... and ameliorates the stress of testing .

 

[chrispillertkd]

The thing is, I have been going about my training since then feeling like a fraud. Sooner or later, I am convinced, a training situation will arise that exposes my weaknesses as a martial artist and people will realize that I don't really deserve the rank that I have.

If you have trained for any amount of time and haven't had your weaknesses as a marial artist exposed your training wouldn't be worth anything.

The training hall isn't a place to engage in escapism. It's a place to go to develop oneself. That means weaknesses must be exposed to yourself and overcome. Doing that doesn't mean you're unworthy of your rank, it means rather the opposite.

Pax,

Chris

 

[Gaius Julius Caesar]

Let me give you a very good line from Batman

" Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."- Thomas Wayne

 

[Aiki Lee]

I think everybody thinks the same thing from time to time, Girlbug. I know I do. But our egos tend to work in two ways. Either they tell us we are so great we don't need to improve or they tell us we suck so bad we have no business trying.

All great warriors recognize they have serious weaknesses. Don't doubt what you know you can do, everybody has crappy days where their technique looks sloppy or they have no focus. We've all been there.

Just because you are passing a test doesn't necessarily mean you have to have mastered the material right? It just means you get it and can do it.

The only way you can ever truly fail is if you give up.

 

[terryl965]

Girlbug when you feel like you just cannot get something step back and look at others and see if they are getting it. If some are walk over and say can you show me how you was able to get that tech, I am having trouble with it. Sometimes it is a matter of having someone besides your instructor to explain something. Even after forty year of doing MA I still need to ask color belts and people what am I doing wrong today. Nobody is perfect but everyone can do MA at a certain level. Keep pushing a head.

 

[Flea]

I want to thank everyone who's contributed to this thread ... it's been a well-timed shot in the arm for me too. Right now I'm very frustrated with other aspects of my life. I've been out of work for about three months and an endless succession doors are slamming in my face in my new chosen career. I think we all know the drill - nobody will hire me because I don't have a particular certification, and I can't get into that certification class because I don't already have a job. All of which, of course, has me in a financial tailspin that's getting worse and worse.

None of which is meant to divert the thread or beg for sympathy. But the reminder that failure is a natural law and it's okay is really a balm for me this morning.

 

[Flying Crane]

I've spent most of my martial arts career feeling like a fraud. I'm very very dedicated to my training, but I've often doubted my real ability. I don't have opportunity to test it as I do not compete and I manage to avoid real conflict outside the dojo.

The thing is, it's not real. We just keep training and we love it and it's important to us so we keep going. My teacher felt confident to give me rank, and I just need to accept his judgement and go with it.

Unless you are sporting some seriously high rank, I think you don't need to worry about the fraud issue. I'd say some of the folks claiming the6th and 7th and 8th and 9th and 10th degrees, maybe a few of them ought to be worried about being a fraud. But the lower level black belts and the underbelts, nah. We're just people with a passion, working hard to develop a skill. We are where we are. If you are training hard and honestly, you are not a fraud, even when you feel like you've "failed" a test of some sort.

 

[Supra Vijai]

Gotta love the timing of some threads. I was about to post something very similar and in fact I just sent off an email to my instructor saying I had a sudden realisation yesterday where I seriously questioned my rank because we were covering some techniques in class that I thought I'd never seen before till I got home, checked over some notes and realised they were part of the 2nd grading I ever did, just with finer details covered.

 

[Rich Parsons]

About 2 months back I posted about a pretest in which I performed poorly (or so I thought) and cried toward the end. My ego took quite a blow. Many people on this board responded with advice and comfort, for which I am grateful. Imagine my surprise later when I found out that I had actually passed the pretest, and will now be eligible for the "real" test this spring.

The thing is, I have been going about my training since then feeling like a fraud. Sooner or later, I am convinced, a training situation will arise that exposes my weaknesses as a martial artist and people will realize that I don't really deserve the rank that I have. Not that I'm in it for the rank--really, I care so much more about learning and experiencing martial arts. But I don't want to be the one to ruin it for the school, lower the bar so to speak. The standards are really high, and whatever my rank, I want to do right by my instructor and our school.

So, how to take the pressure off and train to catch up to where I think I should be. The real test is looming ahead--it's hard to concentrate on perfecting a technique and deepening my understanding of principle, when in the back of my head all I hear is, I don't deserve to be in this advanced class.

How to get the head right!!

Lots of good comments on this thread already, I just have a small comment story.

Before my students test for Black Belt, I usually invite them over to watch some videos a week or two before the test. One of the video's I pull out is some old footage of my black belt test. (* which reminds me I need to get it moved from VCR tape to DVD format *) As they watch I cringe and laugh and they start to point out my mistakes and are surprised by them. I tell them we all go through it. I also tell them that they can pick out my mistakes as they pick out their own. It means we have more to learn.

I finish with, "... and remember I passed the test."

They usually realize at this point they have a chance and that they have to show and try and show us, but not stopping and making mistakes are part of the test.

Good Luck and best wishes

 

[girlbug2]

I am touched by the responses this thread has generated. There's a lot of compassion on this board :ultracool. It's good to be able to reality check oneself here.

 

[jks9199]

Gotta love the timing of some threads. I was about to post something very similar and in fact I just sent off an email to my instructor saying I had a sudden realisation yesterday where I seriously questioned my rank because we were covering some techniques in class that I thought I'd never seen before till I got home, checked over some notes and realised they were part of the 2nd grading I ever did, just with finer details covered.

That's training... That's how things go.

I constantly return to the most basic drills and techniques, and find new things in them or new ways to use them. I've got notes on techniques and drills and exercises that I just haven't had time to revisit and really work on...

Another comment -- it's a dangerous habit to try to compare how easily someone else is learning something. Especially a particular technique. You may have trouble with it, for all sorts of reasons from a quirk of your balance, to a mental blindspot. They don't. But, on the next technique -- your positions may be reversed. I've seen students struggle for weeks with something until some little piece or detail just clicks for them. That's just training!