Sapper6
3rd Black Belt
Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern *** Whuppin ...
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ***
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Ida Jo, Bobby Sue, Luther,
Tammy Lynn! , Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to
kick your ***
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's *** whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke, OR a Co-Cola. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an *** kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll
kick your ***.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally,
we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al
Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We
are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in
order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
his/her ***.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet
and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle,
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone
Mountain Georgia and complain about the carving,
we'll kick your ***.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick
your ***.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with red eye
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your
***.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot! And you will get
your *** kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your *** on home before it gets
kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ***.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll kick your *** all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into
your *** just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ***.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our
barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ***.
Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they
know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ***
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Ida Jo, Bobby Sue, Luther,
Tammy Lynn! , Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to
kick your ***
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's
called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's *** whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.
Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke, OR a Co-Cola. Accept it.
Doing otherwise can lead to an *** kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty,
Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer.
Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll
kick your ***.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally,
we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al
Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We
are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in
order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
his/her ***.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet
and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle,
you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone
Mountain Georgia and complain about the carving,
we'll kick your ***.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just
spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick
your ***.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know
that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with red eye
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your
***.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot! And you will get
your *** kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago,
and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your *** on home before it gets
kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we
don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we
are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go away and leave us
alone, or we'll kick your ***.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes
or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty,
we'll kick your *** all the way back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into
your *** just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or
Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ***.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to
cook barbecue. This will get your *** shot (right after it is kicked).
You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our
barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ***.
